Friday, July 24, 2015

being really pregnant at night

10pm - Get tired but avoid going to bed because bed is torture. Watch Parks and Rec and dabble on Pinterest to distract from that heavy belly feeling. Research potty training methods, cognac boots, and stair runners.
12am - Go to bed because staying awake is getting overwhelming and belly is very heavy and tired.
12:15am - Get up and go to the bathroom. 
12:45am - Get up and eat 1/2 a banana because whoa whoa hungry. 
1:00am - Ugh heartburn stupid banana. Take a Tums. Sing Tums song.
1:15am - Wide awake. Stare into the abyss. 
1:30am - Bathroom again. Trip over a giant man shoe on your way. Why does stupid husband insist on wearing shoes!!!! He put them there on purpose. Feel very thirsty but ignore it because water is what got you into this mess in the first place. 
2:00am - Tummy rumbles so eat other half of banana. Do not drink water!! Water is the devil. 
2:15am - Heartburn. $&#@?! banana.
2:30am - Realize you should have taken a Benadryl earlier!!! Duh!!! Yay for drowsiness!
2:45am - Realize you gulped down too much water (it was so good) when you took the Benadryl and now have to use the bathroom. Water is the devil!!!
3:00am - Stare at husband angrily. His stupid sleeping face is infuriating and he is obviously sleeping that peacefully on purpose to ruin your life. Plus don't forget he wears shoes and it's RUDE. 
3:15am - Think about something sad and cry.
3:30am - Realize that true madness has set in.
4:00am - Wake up with sudden and insane leg cramp!!!! Banana you had one job to do!!!! Potassium is a sham. Mentally write a strongly worded letter to banana farmers! Are bananas on farms? Who cares everyone is the worst including farmers!! Fall asleep with relief when cramp finally subsides.
5:00am - Sleepily attempt to roll over, but it proves difficult as there is a bowling ball buried beneath the tummy skin. Mumble something hateful about potassium and bowling shoes and fall asleep.
8:00am - Wake up for good. Spot peacefully sleeping husband's beautiful stupid face again. Decide to hate everyone. Especially the peppy and the skinny and those with well-tweezed eyebrows. But maybe will not hate that cute baby that lives upstairs and the cute baby that lives under the tummy skin and maybe cute husband even though they are all big fat sleep ruiners. Crap I love them. Cry about it. Good morning!