Thursday, July 10, 2014

clean freak

What is this stuff for? I do not know.

Oh lookie here, baby stops fussing when I run the vacuum cleaner. She likes the hum of it. She’s a weirdo. An adorable little weirdo, and I love her to bits. She loves me, too, I think, but this I know: She loves the vacuum. This is God’s way of saying, I’M SERIOUS CAROLINE, CLEAN YOUR HOUSE. Because I am very passive about the whole thing. Like, bleh, I have a baby, so people say I don’t have to clean! And sometimes that advice is spot on, and sometimes I know I’m milking it. Because I complain about cleaning a lot for a person who owns machines that do all the hard work. Like washing dishes. I despise it. First I have to put them in the dishwasher (BLECH! Such effort required) and then later, I have to take them out. (This is the worst part). And sometimes I just CANNOT do that last part, so I just leave them there until I can’t remember if they're clean or dirty. GOOD NEWS guys, they make a dishwasher magnet for that now, so that bums like me do not forget! Unless you forget to flip over the magnet. Which I guarantee I will do if I purchase that magnet. So I won’t. Unless it’s on sale somewhere. Or exceptionally cute. Probably with the right polka dots I will buy a few of them.

I feel bad for the dishwasher actually. What a thankless job. We should not even discuss the time when I came close to demanding that my husband buy me a Roomba. Like, yes, I know the vacuum cleaner is doing all the actual dirt-sucking, but I have to WALK IT AROUND everywhere, and sometimes the automatic cord thing gets tangled, and I cannot deal. Here, Amazon, take $600 and give me a machine that can walk itself around. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO EMPTY IT EVERY DAY. I will never remember this. Forget it Amazon, you trickster. Call me when there’s a machine that walks itself around my house to pick up dirt and can ALSO walk itself to the trash can and empty itself. CALL ME THEN. No, no, nevermind, call me when the machine can do all that AND move the clothes from the washer to the dryer because THAT, that moving of the clothes, that is true suffering.

Maybe if I wait long enough maybe my baby will grow up, and I’ll be forced to teach her responsibility by giving her chores to do. Yes, because see it’s not a passive aggressive way to get out of doing these things myself. It’s PARENTING. Good parents like me know that what kids today need is a hard day’s work! To learn some good old fashioned responsibility and develop a work ethic! Otherwise we’ll be left with a bunch of lazy bums who depend on their iPhones to do their work for them. I mean, KIDS TODAY.

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