Friday, March 7, 2014

40 weeks

Even though neither Princess nor her counterpart has ever been accused of being “punctual,” they still expected their daughter to magically develop this trait, especially since they have learned from society that placing unrealistic expectations on your child is the norm. Nevertheless, she is showing NO signs of hurrying, and doctor wouldn't be surprised if she was a “42-weeker,” a.k.a. a tortoise. Slow and steady wins the race, Adelaide, but it also annoys people. JK, girlfriend, we are totes not annoyed, but isn't it fun to pretend to be annoyed with a baby who is guaranteed to be cuddly and cute and make her mother cry big fat tears of joy?

Anyways, Princess’ household is just sitting around waiting on the little lady, and it brings out strange things in people. Princess has kept herself together pretty well throughout the pregnancy, but as soon as she hit 40 weeks yesterday, the tables turned on her. She entered what is known medically as the “hot mess” stage of pregnancy. Random nausea, poor hand-eye coordination (which she lacks in the first place), excessive ice crunching, and unexplained sinus issues have left her with one perpetually tearing eye, the inability to hold on to anything for longer than 5 seconds (including thoughts), and the compulsion to stay indoors so as to not scare small children since this would not be good for her almost-new-mom self esteem. Husband has been all like “I am your birthing partner” and “we are in this together” and “I feel what you feel” and “it’s our nausea” (Arrested Development) and “we need a nap” but then he’s also like “the doctor says you’re doing great so I don’t know why you’re walking so slow.” The dogs have been like “WE PERCEIVE IMMINENT CHANGE AND FEEL THE NEED TO BARF ON THINGS” and also “LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME WHY AREN’T YOU LOOKING I WILL BARK UNTIL YOU DO” and finally “WHY DOES THIS BABY TOY NOT BELONG TO US.” 
Gold dotty things waiting to greet Adelaide
Earlier this week, Princess was like “CLEAN EVERYTHING” and she probably doesn't need to explain how that snowballed into buying a new rug which now needs to be returned. Then Princess and Husband tried to set up the Pack and Play, and guess what, that entire instruction manual makes you feel like you are setting up an infant death trap, and the whole thing was so unsettling that they just went to bed. Later Sister and Princess tried for 45 minutes to put together the car seat, which Princess had gutted so as to be a good mom and wash/disinfect it piece by piece (DO NOT DO THIS), but then when they went to have the car seat inspected, the sweet ladies were totally bamboozled at how Princess and INDUSTRIAL ENGINEER Sister could have screwed something up so badly. Sister was like “well I could only find the instructions in Spanish,” and they were like “el Diablo,” and Princess was like “Do you set up Pack and Plays, too?” and they were like “Adios, chicas.” No bueno.

Anyway, she’ll be here when she gets here, and Princess and Husband will be ECSTATIC, and dogs will probably be irritated. Wahoo!!

1 comment:

  1. Don't feel bad about the pack and play. I have one for my grandkids and it took me a LONG time to figure out how to work the darn thing. If I don't use it often enough, which I don't anymore, then I have to re-learn every time.

    Praying for you and Luke and Adelaide.

    ReplyDelete