Wednesday, February 12, 2014

rage-eating bagels

Today in between rage-eating bagels, Princess realized something. (Note: This sentence can be read in two ways—“rage-eating” being an adjective that describes the bagels or “rage-eating” being a verb. Princess means the latter but kind of wants to draw a picture of the former. Okay fine, she’ll do it. And oops she accidentally wrote "donuts" instead of "bagels," and she apologizes for this accidental discrimination of hole-y foods.)








Anyway, between rage-eating (v.) BAGELS (not donuts), Princess realized that she is SO MAD. First of all, she wants to punch the weather in the face. Big dumb stupid weather needs a PUNCH IN THE FACE. Because the series of almost not-quite snow days has made Princess’ teacher heart ice cold. Second of all, Princess’ baby REFUSES TO LET HER SLEEP. She’s a busy little thing, and she insists on practicing Jazzercise every night from 11 to midnight, and she follows this with kickboxing from midnight to 1 a.m. Princess is like, “Mmmmkay Baby, let’s just chill out on the fitness because I need to log in all the hours I can before your infancy,” and Baby is like “UGH MOM YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME” and Princess is like “I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH SO I CAN LECTURE YOU ON TALKING BACK,” and Baby is like “Whoa girl for real you need some sleep because you just hallucinated a convo with your unborn child and invented an attitude problem,” and Princess is like, “Well okay, you’ve got a point,” and Husband is like, “Will you two pipe down I’m trying to sleep,” and then Princess and Baby are like, “MIND YOUR BUSINESS.”

So the lack of a snow day and the lack of sleep are creating crabbiness that Princess did not bargain for, and it was certainly unfair to the bagels. This happened today:

Princess: Stomps into teacher workroom, crams bagel down throat, says “THIS SUCKS I AM SLEEPY” to confused coworkers, and stomps back to classroom as the next class piles in.
Students: Hello, teacher!
Princess: No, no, no. I can’t do this. I need another bagel.
Princess: Stomps into teacher workroom, crams bagel down throat, says “I’M NOT KIDDING I AM SLEEPY WHERE’S THE SNOW I NEED BLUEBERRY CREAM CHEESE,” and stomps back to classroom where the children await.
Students: Hello, teacher!
Princess: Marcel! Come here!
Marcel: Yes, teacher?
Princess: Marcel, look. I just crammed two bagels down my throat out of rage. I need you to do something very serious. Can you handle it?
Marcel: Yes, teacher.
Princess: Marcel, I am not kidding you. Here I have in my hand $1.25. I need you to take this down to the Coke machine downstairs, and I need you to return with a Dr. Pepper. This is not a drill, and if you come back with a Diet Dr. Pepper or any other substance, you will ruin everything. Do you understand?
Marcel: Yes, teacher. I can do it.
Princess: Thank you, Marcel. I believe in you.

Once Princess had a few sips of the Dr. Pepper, the rage subsided somewhat, and she taught the children with her usual cheer. But weary confusion accompanied the cheer that replaced the rage, and Princess found herself having conversations like this:

Princess: The main thing people always seem to remember about Poe is that he married his 13-year-old cousin when he was 28. But that’s a bummer because it’s better to remember his writing.
Students: HE MARRIED HIS COUSIN?!?!
Princess: Yes. Oops. I always forget that it’s better to not mention that because then you tune everything else out.
Students: HE MARRIED HIS COUSIN?!?!
Student 1: Was she hot?
Princess: Does it matter?
Student 1: Yes.
Princess: Yikes.
Student 1: I have a hot cousin.
Princess: Hmmm. Let’s move on.
Student 1: But she lives in Michigan.
Princess: That doesn’t make it better.
Students: HE MARRIED HIS COUSIN?!?!
Princess: I’m sleepy.

Then she had this conversation:

Student 2: Teacher, will you be mad if your baby comes out black?
Princess: I think I will probably be confused.
Student 2: Why?
Princess: Because I’m not black and neither is my husband.
Student 2: So would your husband be mad?
Princess: I mean, I think he’d probably be mad at me.
Student 2: Yeah but it could be like really, really, really recessive. Like a long time ago, someone in his family was black.
Princess: Hm. I don’t know. I don’t teach science. Let’s talk about Poe.
Student 2: Didn’t he marry his cousin?
Princess: Yes. He also wrote short stories occasionally.
Student 2: Okay, well, I think your husband seems like a reasonable human being. I don’t think he’ll be mad at you.
Princess: This conversation is so odd. I hope it ends soon.

And then there was this conversation:

Princess: The story takes place beneath the narrator's Palazzo, which is an Italian word that means mansion. That's easy to remember because it looks like what word in English?
Student 3: PIZZA!
Princess: No. Like...no.
Student 3: Yeah, PIZZA!
Princess: No. I mean... I have asked this question of every class for the last four years, and kids always, always say "palace."
Student 3: I think pizza.
Princess: K.

And then this one:

Princess: The story begins during the Carnival celebration. Carnival is kind of like Mardi Gras. It's a big celebration where people tend to go a little berserk before they have to give up meat for Lent. It's easy to remember this because Carnival comes from two root words, "Carn" and "Val." "Val" means "farewell," and what word does "Carn" remind you of?
Student 4: CORN!!
Princess: No. Like...no.
Student 4: Yeah, CORN!
Princess: No. I mean... I have asked this question of every class for the last four years, and kids always, always say "carnivore."
Student 4: Yeah, but what about corn, as in corn beef? Like saying farewell to corn beef?
Princess: I need a bagel.

Then after school, Princess found herself taking a picture with a lampshade on her head in public, and then later she finally took a much needed nap that was kind of ruined because D2: Mighty Ducks was on in the background and Princess had weird hockey dreams and because UGH THAT TEAM FROM ICELAND. And this is what it’s like to be Princess and 37 weeks pregnant. The end.