|Burt looks over his domain with sparkling and majestic authority.|
Yesterday Princess and Husband had an argument. Princess had brought home a white sequined deer head and put it on the wall. Husband was like NO NO NO THIS IS TERRIFYING NO NO and Princess was like IT SPARKLES YOU NEED TO BACK OFF. Husband was all IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT SPARKLES IF IT HAPPENS TO BE TERRIFYING. So Princess said WHY DO YOU LET ME HAVE ALL THESE CERAMIC HANDS EVERYWHERE AND YET YOU WON’T LET ME HAVE A SPARKLING DEER HEAD? And Husband was like THE CERAMIC HANDS ARE FUNNY. And he’s right. They are.
Then Princess was like YOU HUNT REAL DEER AND GUT OUT THEIR INSIDES AND THIS IS WAY LESS GRUESOME and Husband didn’t have anything to say to that because Princess is totally right. So Princess feigned compromise and said IT REPRESENTS BOTH OF US BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO HUNT DEER AND I LIKE THINGS THAT SPARKLE and husband said FINE I LIKE GUNS AND YOU LIKE PINK SO LET’S PUT A PINK GUN ON THE WALL and Princess had nothing to say to that because it’s the worst and ugliest idea ever and yet appeals to her sense of logic.
The deer head, which Princess has temporarily named Burt after the Law and Order episode where Cynthia Nixon plays a faux schizophrenic murderer, currently remains on the wall but only because its existence has fallen out of Husband’s goldfish memory until it inexplicably resurfaces when Husband remembers it while he’s mad about something else. Oh, Burt.
There are about five trillion times a month where Princess and Husband look at one another like, “I like you but I am confused why because you are super weird and we have nothing in common.” If Princess and Husband were both on Match.com, they would never get paired up ever. If Princess likes a movie, Husband hates it and vice versa, and yet they still both really want to watch a movie together.
It’s called being stuck between a rock and a hard place, otherwise known as a hard place and another hard place or the stupidest saying of all time. And Husband is like STOP OVERTHINKING STUFF and Princess is like WE MUST STOP PERPETUATING IDIOTIC CLICHES and also WAS THIS PHRASE IRONICALLY RESONATING IN THE MIND OF THAT GUY WHO GOT HIS ARM STUCK WHILE MOUNTAIN CLIMBING AS HE SAWED HIS OWN ARM OFF? And Husband is like “I forgot to listen to the stuff you’re saying again.”
And speaking of faux schizophrenic murderers (by the way, it takes great skill to incorporate faux schizophrenic murderers and ceramic hands and sequined deer heads and arm sawing into the same piece of writing), Princess’ blog is kind of schizty, too. (Is that a word? Now it is.) Last time she was really serious and people were really supportive. She’ll probably be deep again, but sometimes she swims in the shallow end of the pool because she’s kind of tired and wants to do the Martha Washington hair thing. Thank you for loving her no matter where in the pool she is located, but please grab her if she’s on the bottom. (Unless she’s having a tea party, in which case, please join.)
Upon reading this post, Husband said, "This is weird."