Monday, November 18, 2013

Christmas Carol's New Glasses

Today some dumb things happened. When Princess got home, she decided to take the laundry out of the dryer like a good wife. Upon opening the dryer door, she realized that the entire contents of the dryer were a strange reddish hue. Upon investigating the rouge pile, Princess realized she had left a tube of lipstick inside her DIY strawberry sweatshirt. (It should be noted that the matching strawberry hat was previously devoured by her dogs within seconds of it leaving Princess' cranium.) After spending a near 10 minutes calmly spraying all of the contents with stain remover and then washing them again, Princess proceeded into the kitchen where she placed her sunglasses on the counter per usual. She let her dogs out and pet them and reminded them how much she loved them. After unloading the dishwasher and a completing a few other wifely duties, Princess proceeded to the bedroom so she could change for the concert she was attending that night with her mother. When she was finally dressed, wearing the ridiculous combination of a neon yellow blazer, a giant leopard scarf, huge hair, glitter nail polish, and a neon pink purse, Princess saw something in between Uzi's teeth. "What is that you have there, little friend?" Princess asked. Uzi did not answer because he's a dog and is unable to speak. When Princess analyzed the object more closely, she realized it was her sunglasses, a gift from her husband many years ago that probably cost him a pretty penny. The lenses magically disappairated, and the glasses were completely destroyed. They would only work on Princess' face if she looked like the character, Christmas Carol, she invented last year when her face was distorted in an iPhone panoramic disaster. See below. God bless us, every one. 

Princess had to take a few deep breaths and then remind herself of the mantra she has been learning at church in the series entitled "Radical Generosity." "It's not my stuff!" she said herself. "It's not my stuff!"

The logic behind this mantra is to remind us that everything that we own belongs to God. But Princess is a snarky individual, so she corrupted the phrase and decided to turn the tables on God. (Always a mature and effective choice, no?) "God, why did you leave YOUR lipstick in the dryer?!?" Princess fake raged as she shook her fist at the heavens. "God, why did you leave YOUR Ray-Bans on the counter?!" she squealed. "Didn't you know your dumb dog would eat them?" 

God said, "This is unfunny, even for you." 

The end.

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