Saturday, October 26, 2013

put the baby in a basket

So Princess is having a baby, and frankly, the experience has been the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to her, including the time she was pantsed by a mime. Recently she’s been feeling the baby kick and has simultaneous feelings of teary, giddy BLISS and terror because it’s like I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE. (She also realizes that this is the only time ever when it is considered adorable for a child to kick his/her parent. Normally that kind of behavior warrants some significant discipline with some kind of spoon. Am I right?) The whole thing is overwhelming.

And, as has previously been reported, the baby experience has been making Princess weird weird WEIRD. Once out of an intense craving, Princess scarfed down ½ a pack of sour straws, then decided she hated them forever, then experienced a sugar rush so extreme that she told many jokes through delirious tears, then was told “you are slurring your words,” then needed a nap and felt moody. WHAT? And then earlier this week, Princess, who has had no morning sickness to report, smelled something weird and promptly and dramatically barfed in the sink, yelled at her husband, and then really wanted some orange juice. Understandably, Husband is terrified. And Princess kind of is too because she DID NOT KNOW she was capable of this level of weirdness, and she does not know what she will find herself doing when the baby gets here. Here’s a list of Things People with Babies/Pregnant People Do That Princess Has Always Thought Is Weird (But Now Is Unsure Because She Is Apparently Capable of True Lunacy):
  1. Put baby in a basket on top of a dresser. Step away. Take picture. Pretend this is a normal location for a baby. Upload picture to Facebook.
  2. Put baby on the porch with a sign that says “Special Delivery.” Step away. Take picture. Pretend this is a normal location for a baby. Upload picture to Facebook.
  3. Refer to oneself in the third person as “mommy.” Mommy loves her baby! Pretend this is a normal way to discuss oneself.
  4. Get excited over a pile of future poop collectors (diapers) designed to look like a tasty treat (cake)! Do not connect the dots or you'll never eat cake again.
  5. Take pictures of naked belly next to a window and do not forget a wistful expression. Ignore the fact that there is no other point in your life when you would do this same thing.
  6. CHALKBOARD CHALKBOARD CHALKBOARD. Sit that baby in front of a chalkboard, stick that belly in front of a chalkboard, whatever you are doing INCORPORATE A CHALKBOARD, and are you kidding me, whiteboard, you are acid wash denim disgusting and we will never use you for the purpose of recording our child’s age or the fruit our unborn child somehow resembles. Get out. (Side note: Princess already used a chalkboard to announce the baby name, and she almost felt like she was lured to do so by demonic forces from Pinterest. Nevertheless, she liked it.)
  7. Become so excited about bodily functions that you rename them adorable names. (Princess and her siblings still cringe when they remember that their mother used the word tee-te—OH MY GOSH PRINCESS CAN’T EVEN FINISH THE WORD OR SHE WILL BARF IN THE SINK AGAIN.)
There’s probably more, but Princess can’t focus right now because she needs a Coke icee and feels like rearranging the furniture. If you have committed one of the acts on the list, do not fear. There is no judgment here. In fact, Princess understands you better than ever. Certainly we all have our Pinterest demons and chalk dust to battle. Cheers to you, naked belly poop cake basket baby weirdos!

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