Saturday, October 26, 2013

put the baby in a basket

So Princess is having a baby, and frankly, the experience has been the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to her, including the time she was pantsed by a mime. Recently she’s been feeling the baby kick and has simultaneous feelings of teary, giddy BLISS and terror because it’s like I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE. (She also realizes that this is the only time ever when it is considered adorable for a child to kick his/her parent. Normally that kind of behavior warrants some significant discipline with some kind of spoon. Am I right?) The whole thing is overwhelming.

And, as has previously been reported, the baby experience has been making Princess weird weird WEIRD. Once out of an intense craving, Princess scarfed down ½ a pack of sour straws, then decided she hated them forever, then experienced a sugar rush so extreme that she told many jokes through delirious tears, then was told “you are slurring your words,” then needed a nap and felt moody. WHAT? And then earlier this week, Princess, who has had no morning sickness to report, smelled something weird and promptly and dramatically barfed in the sink, yelled at her husband, and then really wanted some orange juice. Understandably, Husband is terrified. And Princess kind of is too because she DID NOT KNOW she was capable of this level of weirdness, and she does not know what she will find herself doing when the baby gets here. Here’s a list of Things People with Babies/Pregnant People Do That Princess Has Always Thought Is Weird (But Now Is Unsure Because She Is Apparently Capable of True Lunacy):
  1. Put baby in a basket on top of a dresser. Step away. Take picture. Pretend this is a normal location for a baby. Upload picture to Facebook.
  2. Put baby on the porch with a sign that says “Special Delivery.” Step away. Take picture. Pretend this is a normal location for a baby. Upload picture to Facebook.
  3. Refer to oneself in the third person as “mommy.” Mommy loves her baby! Pretend this is a normal way to discuss oneself.
  4. Get excited over a pile of future poop collectors (diapers) designed to look like a tasty treat (cake)! Do not connect the dots or you'll never eat cake again.
  5. Take pictures of naked belly next to a window and do not forget a wistful expression. Ignore the fact that there is no other point in your life when you would do this same thing.
  6. CHALKBOARD CHALKBOARD CHALKBOARD. Sit that baby in front of a chalkboard, stick that belly in front of a chalkboard, whatever you are doing INCORPORATE A CHALKBOARD, and are you kidding me, whiteboard, you are acid wash denim disgusting and we will never use you for the purpose of recording our child’s age or the fruit our unborn child somehow resembles. Get out. (Side note: Princess already used a chalkboard to announce the baby name, and she almost felt like she was lured to do so by demonic forces from Pinterest. Nevertheless, she liked it.)
  7. Become so excited about bodily functions that you rename them adorable names. (Princess and her siblings still cringe when they remember that their mother used the word tee-te—OH MY GOSH PRINCESS CAN’T EVEN FINISH THE WORD OR SHE WILL BARF IN THE SINK AGAIN.)
There’s probably more, but Princess can’t focus right now because she needs a Coke icee and feels like rearranging the furniture. If you have committed one of the acts on the list, do not fear. There is no judgment here. In fact, Princess understands you better than ever. Certainly we all have our Pinterest demons and chalk dust to battle. Cheers to you, naked belly poop cake basket baby weirdos!

Thursday, October 24, 2013


Some days I walk around with my eyes closed. (Figuratively, of course. What are you, an idiot?) I’m very good at staying inside my happy place of glitter and fluffy dogs and Coke ices. On those days I worry about what I should wear, feel guilty for not wanting to cook dinner (bleh), and pretend my dogs are people. This suits me just fine.

When I look around on my glitter days, I see the cashier who can’t work the register at Hobby Lobby and the kid that never remembers to turn in anything and the driver who don’t seem to remember he has a blinker and the girl who can’t stop Instagramming pictures of her own face, and I think, “Ugh. People are the worst.”

But other days I can see. And I see things that pierce my soul. A high school girl who asks, “What if I just want to date him so I’ll feel like someone thinks I’m pretty?” Twitter accounts sharper than any knife, designed to slice into people’s hearts with secrets and judgments, some painfully false and some painfully true. A woman who had to sit in silence while someone said, “Look at her. Why would anyone want her?” A group of students who hear irrefutable truth—truth they desperately need—and disregard it with a jaded and flippant silence. The flicker of a heartbeat in an ultrasound that makes me realize in a new way that life is undeniably precious yet horrifyingly unprotected. A middle school girl who desperately wants someone to listen to the story of her parents’ divorce—the fact that Mom moved to another state, and Dad is devastated. She told me yesterday, but she needed someone to listen again.

And on those days, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to start. I see a world trying to crush beautiful people, people created in God’s image, people who are dearly loved and yet don’t know it. People who make me realize that I—not the cashier or the driver or the excessive Instagrammer—I, am the fool. Because I base my life around a God who is in the business of loving people, and half of the days of my life I miss his most basic command:

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:7-8

Do we know God? Then let us love. Because “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8), and our sins and the sins of others are crushing us—turning tenderhearted girls into bitter women (let this not be me!) and vibrant boys into cold and calculating men. We must not remain unseeing. We must do the hard thing: we must love.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

secret life

While many students believe teachers live at school, Princess (based on this idea from Pinterest) convinced her students that she has a secret life, and she asked them to write about what they thought this secret life entailed. Most predictions included puppies, violence by cupcakes and/or spoons, sketchy white vans, and/or general grossness. So, yeah, Princess is concerned. A few memorable details:
  • “She’s been on My Strange Addiction. Her addiction was petting homeless people. She’s still addicted.”
  • “She lives in her parents’ basement and all her friends are stuffed animals.”
  • “Her husband Luke is a cow. Her dogs are the dictators of Cuba and Spain. Her mom and dad are owners of a queasy butter factory.”
  • “Every night Mrs. Saunders would dress up like a creepy clown and drive a white van that says ‘Free Puppies.’”
  • “Mrs. Saunders is Belle from Beauty and the Beast. The beast is her dog, Uzi. At midnight, Uzi turns into Luke. She reads books nonstop. Whenever she jumps into the nearby fountain, she lands in her 8th grade classroom.”
  • “Mrs. Saunders is secretly a blueberry. At midnight, when there’s a full moon, she wells up like a big purple ball.”
  • “Mrs. Saunders likes to kidnap children, and she puts them in cages made for birds. She only feeds them paint and crayons because she is trying to make a rainbow army.”
  • “The biggest secret of Mrs. Saunders’ life is that she actually has kids. She turned her children into dogs so she doesn’t have to send them to school. Her dogs are her children who just want to become humans again, but she put a spell on them.”
  • “Mrs. Saunders is an overweight hobo who robs donut stores. She is known for stealing all the donuts and running slowly away.”
  • “Her diet consists of cupcakes and poo; however, sometimes she devours puppies with plastic spoons.”
  • “I think when Mrs. Saunders is not at Briarcrest she likes to collect toenails.”
  • “She is nice when she doesn’t eat skin off of her toes. When she takes her shoes off it looks like she colored her feet red with a marker.”
  • “One time I saw Mrs. Saunders unpacking a big box from a truck. She opened the box and there stood a wardrobe. She opened the door and climbed in. When she did, I decided to go after her, thinking it was like Narnia. I climbed inside and found…Mrs. Saunders, crammed in a wardrobe, playing with Narnia toys. It was freaky because she was cutting off the toys’ heads with a spoon.”
  • “She sells old people’s band-aids on Craigslist.”
  • “She washes her hair with frosting and runs up and down the streets throwing cupcakes at people.”
  • “Mrs. Saunders has a jet that carries millions of puppies dress in poofy, frilly, neon prom dresses.”
P.S. All of these predictions are actually true.
P.S.S. This is Princess' 100th post. So she's wasted everyone's time on 100 different occasions. Go, Princess! (Please be my friend.)