Thursday, September 12, 2013

help help my baby makes me weird


Many people have approached Princess making strange observations like, “You are so much weirder now that you’re pregnant.” Isn’t this interesting? Princess’ baby is making her weird! Princess cannot figure out what exactly inspires such observations, but she has noticed an overwhelmingly popular philosophy called “Blame All Things on Baby.”

Princess wants Pop Tarts? That baby is so demanding!
Princess cries? The baby made her do it!
Princess is frustrated? Stop that, baby.
Princess grins? Baby glow!
Princess thinks you’re stupid? No, no, don’t be mad. The baby is making her hate you.
Princess says something very strange. (How out of character!) Baby, you got her again.

Princess gets confused about how to handle this. If she’s happy, how can she tell if she’s baby happy or just normal person happy? And if she wants a Pop Tart, how can she tell if the baby demands Pop Tarts or if it’s her own out-of-control cravings elated to have an excuse? If she’s upset, is it fair to simply dismiss her as an emo preggo? (Side note: This term always reminds her of waffles, and then she wants waffles, and dang it baby, that’s you again, isn’t it?!)  

Good news—this philosophy is actually very helpful parenting advice that Princess can use for years to come! Why take responsibility when I birthed a child to do that for me? Kids are the best!

Anyway, the power is going to her head! Princess is completely relieved of all responsibility thanks to this adorable monster who has taken over Princess’ will to do his/her evil bidding! Here’s a list of things Princess is planning to do while she has opportunity to blame someone else:
  • Eat maaaaany pretzels
  • Dropkick an innocent bystander for no reason
  • Plan a heist
  • Find Amelia Earhart, tell no one
  • Tickle grumpy people
  • Pretend it’s Christmas
  • Rage in the checkout line at Hobby Lobby
  • Color on the walls
  • Take a nap under her desk
  • Wear white after Labor Day
  • Pants someone and run away
  • Pizza!

Princess is open to further suggestions. Thank you for your time.

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