Friday, September 13, 2013

siri is ruining my life

Do you ever have that person in your life who just hates you for no reason? A dirty lying scoundrel who pretends to be your friend and then tells other people that you said something YOU CERTAINLY DID NOT SAY? Who sometimes purposefully gives you bad directions so that you end up late and looking a fool?

In celebration of the new iPhone, Princess felt this was the time to speak honestly about her relationship with Siri. In truth, Princess has been bullied and slandered. Siri puts words in her mouth that were never there and makes Princess look like an idiot in front of everyone. What about when Princess tried to say “What the heck??” and Siri changed it to “What the gecko??” THAT WAS WEIRD. WHAT THE GECKO, SIRI, YOU ARE CRAZY.

Sometimes Siri doesn’t understand you and she’s like, “YOU MEAN SNORBG” and you’re like “NO ONE EVER MEANS SNORBG ARE YOU INSANE. SNORBG IS NOT A THING.”

Sometimes Siri eavesdrops from inside your purse and hears you say “I’m hungry” so she’s like “HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED” and you’re like “SIRI MIND YOUR BUSINESS YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.”

Other times Siri is like “Do you want me to say that this girl is your husband?” and you’re like “SIRI WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.”

Other times she know you’re trying to text your best friend’s new mother-in-law and she totally sabotages the whole thing to say nonsensical grossness.

And then sometimes she just doesn’t listen at all and tries to tell people that your dog has melanoma and other weird stuff that doesn't make any sense. NO SIRI YOU ARE THE WORST.

 In conclusion, if Siri was a real person, Princess would punch her in the face. The end.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

help help my baby makes me weird

Many people have approached Princess making strange observations like, “You are so much weirder now that you’re pregnant.” Isn’t this interesting? Princess’ baby is making her weird! Princess cannot figure out what exactly inspires such observations, but she has noticed an overwhelmingly popular philosophy called “Blame All Things on Baby.”

Princess wants Pop Tarts? That baby is so demanding!
Princess cries? The baby made her do it!
Princess is frustrated? Stop that, baby.
Princess grins? Baby glow!
Princess thinks you’re stupid? No, no, don’t be mad. The baby is making her hate you.
Princess says something very strange. (How out of character!) Baby, you got her again.

Princess gets confused about how to handle this. If she’s happy, how can she tell if she’s baby happy or just normal person happy? And if she wants a Pop Tart, how can she tell if the baby demands Pop Tarts or if it’s her own out-of-control cravings elated to have an excuse? If she’s upset, is it fair to simply dismiss her as an emo preggo? (Side note: This term always reminds her of waffles, and then she wants waffles, and dang it baby, that’s you again, isn’t it?!)  

Good news—this philosophy is actually very helpful parenting advice that Princess can use for years to come! Why take responsibility when I birthed a child to do that for me? Kids are the best!

Anyway, the power is going to her head! Princess is completely relieved of all responsibility thanks to this adorable monster who has taken over Princess’ will to do his/her evil bidding! Here’s a list of things Princess is planning to do while she has opportunity to blame someone else:
  • Eat maaaaany pretzels
  • Dropkick an innocent bystander for no reason
  • Plan a heist
  • Find Amelia Earhart, tell no one
  • Tickle grumpy people
  • Pretend it’s Christmas
  • Rage in the checkout line at Hobby Lobby
  • Color on the walls
  • Take a nap under her desk
  • Wear white after Labor Day
  • Pants someone and run away
  • Pizza!

Princess is open to further suggestions. Thank you for your time.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Things Students Say (Again)

The kids continue to be weird. Here's a recent list of things overheard, like today:
  1. Wizards are so overrated.
  2. There's jello in the hallway.
  3. It smells over here. Can I move?
  4. He licked my geometer.
  5. Student 1, thoughtfully drawing a picture of a character in a short story: She likes to steal old people's boogers. Student 2: DUDE STOP COPYING ME.
  6. It smells over here. Can I move?
  7. Don't worry Mrs. Saunders. If you have your baby in a car and I'm there I'll tie the umbilical cord with a string.
  8. It smells over here. Can I move?
  9. Student, reflecting over descriptive writing: You'd have to have really big lips for that. Teacher: No, no. Not a HICKEY tree, a HICKORY tree.
  10. Want to try on my retainer?
The end, till tomorrow.