Wednesday, August 21, 2013


The thing about sports is that Princess doesn’t really understand them. Like put the ball in the hoop, yes, sure, let's do that. But like, why must it go in the hoop? Why are we all trying so hard to do that very tedious action over and over again? Why does everyone look mean? When do we get to leave and go out to eat? KEEP BOUNCING THE BALL AND DO NOT STOP unless you are going to throw it to someone else because if you just get tired or confused and want to stop for just a second, a very mean person in an aggressive stripe will whistle at you like you are a huge idiot and make strange motions that you’ll never understand.

In Princess’ mind, sports are kind of like being at stoplights. Like, okay red means stop, but no one else is here, and Princess feels like a big dummy for letting a light bulb boss her into doing something nonsensical. Take soccer for example—we were JUST DOWN THERE, and now someone has kicked the ball BACK to where we JUST WERE, and we all have to run back. It’s INEFFICIENT. And also DON’T TOUCH THE BALL except for SOMETIMES when some ancient person randomly decided it’s okay. Not very consistent. And most importantly, after we’re done with all this wasteful running, when do we get the cooler full of Capri Sun? WE WERE TOLD THERE WOULD BE CAPRI SUN.

As a result, Princess can’t catch anything but a cold (and honestly, she isn’t that good at cold-catching because she happens to have a very good immune system because of maybe orange juice or something). Also, Princess heard that lacrosse originated when Native Americans tossed around shrunken heads, and surely we can’t expect her to NOT envision a tiny shriveled head being thrown at her! Wouldn’t you scream and duck also?

Once, in a golf tournament of nine girls, the fourth place girl left early and fifth place Princess got her trophy! That was clear evidence of Princess' natural athletic abilities, but once the wonder of playing with a neon pink golf ball started to dim, it was back to ballet and memorizing songs from musicals. What a waste of a natural gift.

Princess is really honest about her blasé attitude towards sports, but she gets a lot of heat for it. Like one time, she was trying to be into football like everyone else, and asked for some simple vocabulary help.

Princess: “I don’t think I know what a fumble is.”
Everyone: “WHAT.”
Princess: “I mean, fumble sounds like tumble and bumbling idiot, so I’m assuming it’s when they drop it.”
Everyone: “OH MY GOSH.”
Princess: “Okay, so am I right?”
Everyone: “HOLY CRAP.”
Princess: “I just need to clarify that a fumble is when they drop it and then somebody has to jump on it first because then it’s that team’s ball. Will someone just tell me if I’m on the right track?”

I mean, that’s rude. Princess once said to her husband, “Those guys should stop running right into that crowd. They never get past them, and I just feel like it’s really dense for them to continue trying the same thing over and over.” He just stared at her like she’s stupid, and Princess still stands by her comment. LOOK FOOTBALL PLAYERS, sometimes you can’t just keep running into the other guys. FIND A NEW THING TO DO. It’s only logical.

If you see Princess in person and want to talk sports, allow her reenact the time when she accidentally smacked her face on the basketball court two different times when then-new-boyfriend-now-hubby came to see her game. That’s the only thing of value she’ll have to add to the conversation. K BYE.


  1. I LOVE the new boyfriend-basketball-2 face smack story so much and repeat it to people you don't even know!

  2. Don't sell yourself short. Princess was once on the front cover of the Commercial Appeal for her golf achievements.