Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Ten Reasons We Have the Best Parents in the World

by Caroline, Phillip, and Adeline


  1. Dad said he’d never marry a girl that went to Ole Miss and he’d never live in Germantown. Mom was Miss Ole Miss and they currently reside in Germantown, Tennessee.
  2. When Mom is busy cooking, and Dad is busy eating what she’s cooking before it’s all ready, Dad says, “Let me know if you’re in my way.”
  3. Once Dad punished Phillip by grounding him and threatening military school. Phillip stayed grounded for almost an entire year driving Mom nearly insane until she begged Dad to end the punishment. Phillip is torturous, Mom is a trooper.
  4. Dad won’t watch any television in real time because commercials make him cantankerous. Mom grumbles about this, but always records the shows and waits because she’d rather watch TV with Dad than without him.
  5. They kiss in the kitchen and gross their kids out.
  6. When Caroline announced her bun in the oven via the icing on a cake, Mom and Dad couldn’t see the writing because they didn’t have their glasses on. Once they put their glasses on, they got teary eyed at the news of the newest kid to love, and it was one of the best moments of Caroline’s life.
  7. Before dinner, Mom always asks Dad if he wants a glass of water, and Dad always says no. During dinner, he’ll drink Mom’s water, and when she glares at him and sticks out her chin (trademark Mom move), he says, “Isn’t this our water?” This joke has likely been going on as long as their marriage.
  8. Mom and Dad love to bounce on sleepy morning monster Adeline in the wee hours. She hates being woken up more than going to the dentist, but she doesn’t mind this because she thinks her parents are cute.
  9. Mom won’t play Scrabble with Dad anymore because he takes approximately 900 years to play a word. This is likely a passive aggressive move because Dad knows Mom will school him.
  10. Once during a pontoon outing gone wrong, Dad dove in the water after Mom like a superhero, and all his kids remember that in the middle of something scary, Dad’s love for mom was the sweetest, most awesome thing they’d seen.
Happy 30 year anniversary, Mom and Dad! We love you!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

sports


The thing about sports is that Princess doesn’t really understand them. Like put the ball in the hoop, yes, sure, let's do that. But like, why must it go in the hoop? Why are we all trying so hard to do that very tedious action over and over again? Why does everyone look mean? When do we get to leave and go out to eat? KEEP BOUNCING THE BALL AND DO NOT STOP unless you are going to throw it to someone else because if you just get tired or confused and want to stop for just a second, a very mean person in an aggressive stripe will whistle at you like you are a huge idiot and make strange motions that you’ll never understand.

In Princess’ mind, sports are kind of like being at stoplights. Like, okay red means stop, but no one else is here, and Princess feels like a big dummy for letting a light bulb boss her into doing something nonsensical. Take soccer for example—we were JUST DOWN THERE, and now someone has kicked the ball BACK to where we JUST WERE, and we all have to run back. It’s INEFFICIENT. And also DON’T TOUCH THE BALL except for SOMETIMES when some ancient person randomly decided it’s okay. Not very consistent. And most importantly, after we’re done with all this wasteful running, when do we get the cooler full of Capri Sun? WE WERE TOLD THERE WOULD BE CAPRI SUN.

As a result, Princess can’t catch anything but a cold (and honestly, she isn’t that good at cold-catching because she happens to have a very good immune system because of maybe orange juice or something). Also, Princess heard that lacrosse originated when Native Americans tossed around shrunken heads, and surely we can’t expect her to NOT envision a tiny shriveled head being thrown at her! Wouldn’t you scream and duck also?

Once, in a golf tournament of nine girls, the fourth place girl left early and fifth place Princess got her trophy! That was clear evidence of Princess' natural athletic abilities, but once the wonder of playing with a neon pink golf ball started to dim, it was back to ballet and memorizing songs from musicals. What a waste of a natural gift.

Princess is really honest about her blasé attitude towards sports, but she gets a lot of heat for it. Like one time, she was trying to be into football like everyone else, and asked for some simple vocabulary help.

Princess: “I don’t think I know what a fumble is.”
Everyone: “WHAT.”
Princess: “I mean, fumble sounds like tumble and bumbling idiot, so I’m assuming it’s when they drop it.”
Everyone: “OH MY GOSH.”
Princess: “Okay, so am I right?”
Everyone: “HOLY CRAP.”
Princess: “I just need to clarify that a fumble is when they drop it and then somebody has to jump on it first because then it’s that team’s ball. Will someone just tell me if I’m on the right track?”
Everyone: “WE ARE STUNNED AND CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.”

I mean, that’s rude. Princess once said to her husband, “Those guys should stop running right into that crowd. They never get past them, and I just feel like it’s really dense for them to continue trying the same thing over and over.” He just stared at her like she’s stupid, and Princess still stands by her comment. LOOK FOOTBALL PLAYERS, sometimes you can’t just keep running into the other guys. FIND A NEW THING TO DO. It’s only logical.

If you see Princess in person and want to talk sports, allow her reenact the time when she accidentally smacked her face on the basketball court two different times when then-new-boyfriend-now-hubby came to see her game. That’s the only thing of value she’ll have to add to the conversation. K BYE.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

birthday dogs

WE TURNED ONE!!! YUH YUH!!

Our aunt got us this superKEWL cake WITH OUR NAMES ON IT that we gobbled up!! It was the BEST! 

Plus she gave us bowties for our birthday and we wore them and all the girls were like “bow wow you doods look goooood” and we were like “WE KNOW! CALL US!” But Mom won’t let us have a cell phone and we are SO MAD AT HER. When she is on her phone we love to bark our heads off so she can’t even hear. LOLZ, take that MOM. 

Here are some of our other hobbies now that we are practically grown up dogs:

Pushing furniture around using determination and our head (Ebenezer)

(HEEHAW the chair used to be where Ebenezer is sitting.)






Ignoring and sitting on top of couch-dwellers who yell “NO DOGS ON THE COUCH!!” (Uzi):





Wearing matching t-shirts:




Taking naps:



RIDING IN THE CAR!!!:



Showing our teef:



Being gross and licking feet:





PLUS MORE STUFF:

  • Having a bone but only wanting the bone the other brother has (Uzi)
  • Burying our head in our paws when everyone annoys us (Ebenezer)
  • Barking inexplicably (Uzi)
  • DIGGING!!!!!!!!!!! (Heehaw Mom thought she taught us not to do that but we REMEMBERED HOW! LOLZ.)

THAT’S IT! Be our penpal and leave us a note because we like to talk to our friends and we don’t have an iPhone like everybody else because our mom is MEAN. K BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. We are not fluffy yet but WE'RE WORKING ON IT and taking our vitamins. KBYE!