Saturday, July 13, 2013

the paper is due friday

Even though Princess loves being a teacher and always feels giddy over the promise of new school supplies and future student brilliance, she feels tension as the end of summer approaches. Sometimes that involves anxiety dreams like this:

Teacher Princess: Alright, so you need to finish this outline today, and then the actual paper is due Friday. Remember that it needs to be typed in MLA format. So—when is your paper due?

Teacher’s Pet: Friday.

Teacher Princess: Hey kid in the back, when is this paper due?

Kid in the Back: Ummm… I forgot.

Teacher Princess: It’s due Friday. When you forget to listen, try to look on the board for clues. It says right here that the paper is due on Friday. So when is it due?

Kid in the Back: Friday!

Teacher Princess: Great! So everyone take out your agendas and write down that this paper is due Friday. I want to watch you write this down.

Kid by the Window: Wait… what are we doing?

Teacher’s Pet: UGH we’re writing down that the paper is due Friday.

Kid by the Window: WHAT PAPER??!?

Teacher Princess: The paper that we’ve been discussing the entire class period. The one we’re working on an outline for.

Kid by the Window: Haha. Oh yeah. When’s it due?

Teacher Princess: Friday. The due date is written on the board and on your handout. You need to pay closer attention.

Kid by the Window: Oops, sorry.

Teacher Princess: Okay, does everyone have the due date written in your planner?

Students: Yes!

Teacher Princess: So when is this paper due?

Students: FRIDAY!

Teacher Princess: Great! Okay, make sure I have it. If you are the type that tends to turn your papers in late, aim for Thursday. Any questions? Yes—Kid Sitting Next to Teacher’s Pet, what is your question?

Kid Sitting Next to Teacher’s Pet: When do we have to turn this paper in?

Teacher Princess: Flips her desk over and quits.

Monday, July 8, 2013

how to have tons of friends

Want to have tons of friends and have everyone like you lots??? Here's how:
  1. Sing a lot. Like a lot, and make sure you are LOUD. Sing super cool songs like “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus and “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus and pretty much anything by Miley Cyrus except for things she has sung while wearing white spandex. Also when you sing be sure to put your hand to your ear as often as possible and always ask “Was that good?” to anyone who is around you. Everyone loves someone who sings all the time, so get ready for lots of friends!!!!
  2. Take pictures of your food. All your food. THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE EATING, and it’s really unfair to not tell the world what they want to know. So put those pics up on Instagram, but don’t call it “Instagram,” call it “Insta.” Then call all your new cool friends for a party!!!!!
  3. Ask everyone if you’re skinny. Probably do it every five minutes. Like “Does this Oreo make me look skinny?” and “Uh oh, I better not stand next to that twig or I won’t look skinny” and then wait for them to tell you that you ARE skinny, even next to a twig. People love to give compliments as long as you keep reminding them to give them to you. Yay for tons of friends!!!
  4. Tap dance whenever you can. People loooove tap dancers!!!!!!!!! If you have real tap shoes, carry them with you, and always act like you just got back from a really intense tap lesson. Be sure to talk about it at length and give lots of details so people realize what a serious tapper you are. Time to make room in your life for more friends!!!!!!!!!!!!
  5. Give people lots of compliments, but always make it a little realistic so they don’t get too conceited. For example, if your friend wears her hair curly tell her, “I loooove it when you wear your hair straight because you look so pretty and it really tames the frizz.” That way, she’ll know her hair looks good sometimes, but she’ll also know that it doesn’t look good all the time and she won’t start walking around like she’s in a Garnier Fructise commercial. High five for being a great friend!!!
  6. Tell everyone the calories in everything they’re eating. No really, they want to know, and how will they know the truth if you don’t tell them? Friends tell the truth, even when it’s really rude and depressing and makes them want to throw their hamburger in the trash. What kind of person lets their friends enjoy hamburgers that could potentially ruin their life forever? Follow this convo up with the advice in #3, and then get ready for lots of people to love you lots!!!
  7. Whenever a potential friend starts to act superficial and say things like “I really want to buy those shoes,” follow up with comments that will remind them not to be so shallow, like “Oh well I really want to buy shoes for homeless people, so….” They’ll realize that you are a super-great and giving friend and want to hang out with you all the time!!!
The end. Let me know if you need more advice!!!!! LYLAS