Saturday, April 13, 2013

the tale of the holy mole

This is the story of Beyoncé the mole.

Beyoncé the mole is a survivor. She lives in the backyard. She burrows and annoys and does other generally mole-y things. Today she was minding her mole business when suddenly, a giant furry face plucked her out of the ground.

“Let me down you curly monster!” Beyoncé wailed. “I am not a chew toy!” The monster ignored her.

Suddenly another curly monster approached. “DUDE gimme dat mole!” the second monster said. “Growl, growl,” said the other through his mole-clinching teeth.

The next thirty minutes were bonkers. When one monster was momentarily distracted by a squirrel or a pine cone or the urge to roll around in mud, the other monster would scoop her up before she could sing, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” She was slung about and argued over, gnawed on and pawed at. At one point a human came outside and reacted with such horror to the fact that Beyoncé was trapped in a furry mouth that the human gagged and made frantic phone calls. Beyoncé weakly kicked her weird little foot in an attempt to say, “I’m a survivor/I’m not gone give up/I’m not gone stop no/I’m gone work harder.” The human returned with a broom and a pinched face.

Finally the human’s broom antics entreated the dogs to return indoors without Beyoncé, who was thoughtlessly dropped into a pile of mud. Beyoncé kicked her little foot again and ignored the human’s poor control over her gag reflex.

Ten minutes later, the human looked out the window to check on Beyoncé—but she was gone! Had she really survived the clinched jaws of two furry beasts and retreated back to her mole hole? Or was she taken up to mole heaven on a fiery chariot like Enoch? Either way, Beyoncé is a survivor.

Beyoncé, you are one admirable mole.

Update: At the hand (paw) of two stealthy and fluffy beasts, Beyoncé is smuggled into the house. The human is forced to remove her with a dustpan. Afterwards, the human discovers a severed foot and says, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK." The human is forever scarred. She apologizes for the graphic nature of this post.

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