Tuesday, March 19, 2013

princess on trial


Scene: A sniffling Princess, looking forlorn and panicky, is seen sitting in the witness stand in a cold courtroom. Cory B. Trotz is the prosecuting attorney questioning her about the unfortunate demise of her blender, Miss Nancy Bobo.

Prosecuting Attorney: Princess, how long had you known Miss Nancy Bobo?

Princess: Seven years, sir. 

Prosecuting Attorney: That’s a long time. 

Princess: Yes, sir. 

Prosecuting Attorney: Describe the nature of your relationship with Miss Bobo. 

Princess: Well, sir, it was a very good relationship. I loved her very much. She was the most beautiful blender I’ve ever seen, and she was a birthday gift from friends. 

Prosecuting Attorney: Princess, is it true that you have made the comment on multiple occasions that you hate cleaning blenders? 

Princess: Um. Yes I suppose I have said that. 

Prosecuting Attorney: Explain why you would say that. 

Princess: Well, it’s just that there are so many parts to a blender…I find cleaning them to be a bit difficult.

Prosecuting Attorney: I see. So you viewed Miss Bobo as a difficulty. 

Princess: No sir! I mean, I suppose I view all blenders as a difficulty.

Prosecuting Attorney: So you are prejudice against all blenders, then.

Defense Attorney: Objection! Speculation. 

Judge: Sustained. 

PrincessI meant to say that it's a difficulty that certainly worth it since smoothies and milkshakes are delicious!

Prosecuting Attorney: Indeed. Princess, did you clean Miss Bobo well each time you used her? 

Princess: Um. Well. I mean, probably not. But if I could go back and change that I would! 

Prosecuting Attorney: I see. Tell me, Princess, do you consider yourself a good friend? 

Princess: Yes sir, I do. 

Prosecuting Attorney: In your opinion, do good friends abandon one another? 

Princess: No sir. 

Prosecuting Attorney: Then can you explain to me why Miss Bobo was left at your parents’ house during the first five years of your marriage? 

Princess: Yes sir, I can! My husband and I were house-sitting… and it was only supposed to be for a year, so we didn’t bring any of our appliances! However, one year turned into more, and we weren’t in our own house for the first five years. 

Prosecuting Attorney: I see. So did you make any milkshakes or smoothies during that time? 

Princess: …Yes. Yes I did. 

Prosecuting Attorney: And how did you make these delicious treats if your dear friend Miss Bobo was miles away at your parents’ house? 

Princess: I used another blender. 

[The audience gasps.] 

Princess: I CAN EXPLAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Prosecuting Attorney: Please do. 

Princess: Well, we didn’t move our own appliances into the house because many appliances were already there. I used the blender that was already in the house. 

Prosecuting Attorney: And does that make it right? 

Princess: No sir, it doesn’t! I would change things if I could! 

Prosecuting Attorney: Princess, you are married, are you not? 

Princess: Yes sir, I am. 

Prosecuting Attorney: And if your husband is elsewhere, do you consider whatever male is present to be your husband? 

Princess: Absolutely not! I would never do that! I love him! 

Prosecuting Attorney: Yes, and we have also heard you say that you loved Miss Bobo. 

Princess: Forgive me, sir, but do you think that my relationship with my husband and my blender can be compared? 

Prosecuting Attorney: “He who can be trusted with little can be trusted with much,” Princess. It’s in the Bible. You should read it. 

Princess: Grumble. 

Prosecuting Attorney: That’s an interesting response for a Christian who claims to have loved Miss Nancy Bobo so dearly.

[The Prosecuting Attorney turns to face the judge.] 

Prosecuting Attorney: Your honor, I propose that Miss Bobo’s death was not an accident as Princess would have us believe. I believe that Princess maliciously and purposefully dropped Miss Bobo’s non-shatter proof frame onto the tile floor in cold blood! 

Princess: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Princess awakes in a cold sweat, screaming.

This post is angrily dedicated to Princess' husband who has accused her of murdering Miss Nancy Bobo because he knows she has a problem with guilt and personification and likes to frustrate her.

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