Tuesday, March 26, 2013

tuesday


If Tuesday were a person, she would be the quiet girl in the back that everyone forgets about. The one that you look at like, “You’re still here?” She has mousy brown hair, and you stepped on her in the hallway in high school but didn’t realize it. She’s hated you ever since. If someone mentions her name, you say, “She sounds vaguely familiar, but I just can’t place her.” 

Other days are different. We allow Mondays to push us around, Wednesdays we celebrate our halfway point, and Thursdays, we’re all “YAYYYY you’re not Friday, but you’re close, so we accept you!” But Tuesday…Tuesday is that shriveled up house plant you keep forgetting to water. She’s overlooked, and she’s angry. 

Once Tuesday’s presence is recognized, everyone is like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO we thought it was Wednesday!!!!” and Tuesday’s face burns red with fury and shame. The world wants to shove her out of the way. She’s mercilessly bullied, the doormat of the days. But she refuses. She stamps her feet and screams, “I’M HERE AND I WILL NOT BE OVERLOOKED!” Everyone stares for a second, and then continues on with their business, trying to avoid eye contact. But soon everyone is annoyed again: Tuesday breathes too loud. Tuesday smells funny. Tuesday wears horse t-shirts. 

Once, Princess was speaking to a quiet person that she underestimated, and she accidentally made him mad. He glared at her in silence as he broke a pencil with one hand. She backed away slowly, like, “We’ve got a Tuesday on our hands.” Tuesday is a loose cannon. 

Tuesday, Princess wants to be different from the masses. She wants to appreciate you for the beautiful day that you are. She wants to celebrate you and redeem you by inventing things like “Tap-Dancin’ Tuesday” and “Tickle Fight Tuesday.” She wants to make you feel like you belong. But here’s the thing: You are breathing too loud. You smell funny. We are ready to be done with this week, and you need to tap dance on out of here.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

an hourly account



6:30 a.m.

Cheers because she did not oversleep like yesterday! Accidentally deletes an email she needed. Smacks hand to face.

7 a.m.

Realizes she spilled old cherry tea all over the pile of papers to grade. Grumbles.

8 a.m.

“Mrs. Princess why is my paper all wrinkly and brown?” Frowns.

9 a.m.

Eats a banana. Distracts her students by ranting about banana peels: “No one has ever slipped on a banana peel! EVER!! And no banana peel would ever be so slippery as to send a car spinning out of control! I’ve never even seen a banana peel on the ground! Mario Kart is FULL OF LIES!” She leaves her banana peel on the ground in experimentation. “Someone is going to slip on that and sue you,” her students say. Princess leaves the banana peel as is, then thinks, “If my name was Sue would I appreciate my name being used as a verb in such a derogatory manor?” She feels bad for the Sues of the world. She names the banana peel Sue in honorarium.

10 a.m.

Princess’ students are brainstorming article ideas for their upcoming newspaper. “Mrs. Princess can my group interview your brother for a human interest story about the time he held up that giant poster of Uncle Jessie’s head at College Game Day and John Stamos tweeted about it?” She pats the student on the head. “Yes, yes you can, dear child.”

11 a.m.

Accidentally deletes an email she needed. Smacks hand to face.

12 p.m.

Slips on banana peel. Poor Sue. She scoops Sue up so as to not get sued and places her gently in the trash can. Goodbye, Sue.

1 p.m.

Wonders how her car is doing out in the parking lot and realizes Babs has not tweeted in a while. She may have given up Twitter for Lent. Wonders if Babs is Catholic.

2 p.m.

Accidentally tells her class about the time she was on the phone with Tia and Tamara and fell out of her chair and became entangled in the phone cord. “Phones can have cords?” they say. She almost mentions the strange and inappropriate thing she inadvertently said to Carrie Underwood’s publicist. She stops herself just in time. She reminds herself also to stop telling people that her dad calls Ms. Underwood “Scary Underwear.” She reminds herself that generally, she should stop saying a large percentage of the things she says and also to stop tying any ribbon she finds around her head. She can’t recall a single birthday party or shower where she did not leave with a giant bow on her head. 2 p.m. is the hour of regret.

2:30 p.m.

Mumbles to herself, “It’s tooth-hurty! Time to go to the dentist!” followed quickly by “Please stop telling that joke.” 2 p.m. remains the hour of regret.

3 p.m.

Googles “funny sentences” to prepare tomorrow’s Bell Work. LOLs at "Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes." Checks on Lil Wayne. Publishes a blog detailing her exploits.

The End.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

princess on trial


Scene: A sniffling Princess, looking forlorn and panicky, is seen sitting in the witness stand in a cold courtroom. Cory B. Trotz is the prosecuting attorney questioning her about the unfortunate demise of her blender, Miss Nancy Bobo.

Prosecuting Attorney: Princess, how long had you known Miss Nancy Bobo?

Princess: Seven years, sir. 

Prosecuting Attorney: That’s a long time. 

Princess: Yes, sir. 

Prosecuting Attorney: Describe the nature of your relationship with Miss Bobo. 

Princess: Well, sir, it was a very good relationship. I loved her very much. She was the most beautiful blender I’ve ever seen, and she was a birthday gift from friends. 

Prosecuting Attorney: Princess, is it true that you have made the comment on multiple occasions that you hate cleaning blenders? 

Princess: Um. Yes I suppose I have said that. 

Prosecuting Attorney: Explain why you would say that. 

Princess: Well, it’s just that there are so many parts to a blender…I find cleaning them to be a bit difficult.

Prosecuting Attorney: I see. So you viewed Miss Bobo as a difficulty. 

Princess: No sir! I mean, I suppose I view all blenders as a difficulty.

Prosecuting Attorney: So you are prejudice against all blenders, then.

Defense Attorney: Objection! Speculation. 

Judge: Sustained. 

PrincessI meant to say that it's a difficulty that certainly worth it since smoothies and milkshakes are delicious!

Prosecuting Attorney: Indeed. Princess, did you clean Miss Bobo well each time you used her? 

Princess: Um. Well. I mean, probably not. But if I could go back and change that I would! 

Prosecuting Attorney: I see. Tell me, Princess, do you consider yourself a good friend? 

Princess: Yes sir, I do. 

Prosecuting Attorney: In your opinion, do good friends abandon one another? 

Princess: No sir. 

Prosecuting Attorney: Then can you explain to me why Miss Bobo was left at your parents’ house during the first five years of your marriage? 

Princess: Yes sir, I can! My husband and I were house-sitting… and it was only supposed to be for a year, so we didn’t bring any of our appliances! However, one year turned into more, and we weren’t in our own house for the first five years. 

Prosecuting Attorney: I see. So did you make any milkshakes or smoothies during that time? 

Princess: …Yes. Yes I did. 

Prosecuting Attorney: And how did you make these delicious treats if your dear friend Miss Bobo was miles away at your parents’ house? 

Princess: I used another blender. 

[The audience gasps.] 

Princess: I CAN EXPLAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Prosecuting Attorney: Please do. 

Princess: Well, we didn’t move our own appliances into the house because many appliances were already there. I used the blender that was already in the house. 

Prosecuting Attorney: And does that make it right? 

Princess: No sir, it doesn’t! I would change things if I could! 

Prosecuting Attorney: Princess, you are married, are you not? 

Princess: Yes sir, I am. 

Prosecuting Attorney: And if your husband is elsewhere, do you consider whatever male is present to be your husband? 

Princess: Absolutely not! I would never do that! I love him! 

Prosecuting Attorney: Yes, and we have also heard you say that you loved Miss Bobo. 

Princess: Forgive me, sir, but do you think that my relationship with my husband and my blender can be compared? 

Prosecuting Attorney: “He who can be trusted with little can be trusted with much,” Princess. It’s in the Bible. You should read it. 

Princess: Grumble. 

Prosecuting Attorney: That’s an interesting response for a Christian who claims to have loved Miss Nancy Bobo so dearly.

[The Prosecuting Attorney turns to face the judge.] 

Prosecuting Attorney: Your honor, I propose that Miss Bobo’s death was not an accident as Princess would have us believe. I believe that Princess maliciously and purposefully dropped Miss Bobo’s non-shatter proof frame onto the tile floor in cold blood! 

Princess: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Princess awakes in a cold sweat, screaming.

This post is angrily dedicated to Princess' husband who has accused her of murdering Miss Nancy Bobo because he knows she has a problem with guilt and personification and likes to frustrate her.

Monday, March 18, 2013

a eulogy

Tragedy has struck the royal household. Irony has struck the royal household. The Princess mourns. 

Today Princess has been battling a stomach bug. She finally felt better this afternoon and ventured to Wal-Mart, where she never fails to select the wobbly cart. She spent quite a bit of time navigating the wobbly cart and procuring the proper ingredients for the mint smoothie she was craving after 24 hour saltine diet, which was not so much a diet as an everything-makes-me-feel-nauseous-and-DO-NOT-mention-Taco-Bell predicament.

Wal-Mart was out of several necessary ingredients for this particular smoothie, so after buying ingredients for several other smoothies, Princess tries again at Kroger. No luck at Kroger. Princess travels to Fresh Market. She is exhausted because she has not had anything to eat, so she asks for help. Fresh Market has two of the remaining ingredients, but not the third. Princess finally gives up and goes home, determined to make the smoothie work without peppermint extract, which is admittedly the entire essence of the mint smoothie. Princess opens her cabinet, and what does she see? Peppermint extract! “My how lovely and yet mildly frustrating to have the very ingredient I've been searching the ends of the earth for!” Princess says with feigned glee. 

“Ingredients, assemble!” Princess proclaims, as she visualizes the dancing eggs and cake batter from Sleeping Beauty. 

Once the ingredients are assembled (this required help from Princess as her food is not as magical as she would like), Princess opens the lower cabinet. 

“Why hello, Miss Nancy Bobo!” she greets her beloved pink blender. “How I have missed you! Come now, we shall make a healthy shamrock shake! Methinks the green will look lovely against your blushing pink skin!” 

Princess lifts Miss Nancy Bobo up with the uttermost care, and then watches as she begins to wobble.

“Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Princess gasps in slow motion. Miss Nancy Bobo tumbles to the floor. 

Smash. 

Miss Nancy Bobo lies in pieces. Princess looks down to see her hand is sliced open, as is her heart.


“Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Princess mourns without dignity. She bandages her hand and googles: Replacement parts for KitchenAid Blender. 

Parts no longer available...

The manufacturer has discontinued this item...

No substitute part exists...

“Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 

Princess mourns without dignity. Princess' stomach growls, and her heart hurts. There will be no more smoothies.

A eulogy for Miss Nancy Bobo: 

Here lies Miss Nancy Bobo, the most beautiful of blenders. 
With every whirl and churn, Miss Nancy Bobo made the world a smoother place. 
A moment on our counters, forever in our hearts.


Miss Nancy Bobo, 2006 - 2013
UPDATE: Miss Nancy Bobo lives!! Husband bought replacement parts on eBay. But then Princess broke those. But then he bought more. So we're good now.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

wherein Princess is not funny

Don't be like this Derby Pie.

This post is not funny. It's not really sad or anything either, but Princess just feels you should know that upfront before you start expecting to hear about how Princess' dogs "lose their manners" when they walk up the stairs (it's getting to be a real problem) or how Princess made a Twitter for her car (haha that was a joke oh wait no it wasn't she really did that how embarrassing run-ons are kewl no really follow her car on Twitter: @Babs_the_Beetle).

ANYWHO (Stick Stickly anyone?), Princess was sorting through some old documents on her computer, and came across a devotional she wrote for something-or-the-other, and instantly felt a little encouraged by the whole thing, and felt like she should share it, even though she's set this whole truffle-fluffy world up as a place to be ridiculous. But you know, sometimes, we don't need a post about how Princess can't stop pretending that bananas are phones (true) and just need to be encouraged. Sometimes life is hard, and people are mean, and often we are those mean people.

So here it is, an inspirational entry from a drama-drained peacemaker:

~“Mean girls never grow up,” my mother said to me with a sigh, frustrated with drama that had developed between women on her tennis team. 

At thirteen, I was painfully aware of the damage girls can do to one another. The older I got, the more I realized my mother, as always, was right. 

We’ve all seen it happen: The women in your church or Bible study or workplace are bonding and connecting, the birds are singing, and life is full of rainbows and sunshine. But then something happens. It may have been a misunderstanding or word of gossip—whatever it was, it destroyed something beautiful. 

What can we do? 

First, it’s important to know that there’s a difference between conflict and drama. Drama is turbulent, emotionally-driven, and typically stems from immaturity. (We’ve all seen an immature person become easily offended and tear the others apart over insignificant details.) Alternatively, conflict is a disagreement about something important. 

We need to know how to deal with both in a way that honors the Lord. Otherwise, the unity we so desperately want has little chance of survival. Here’s how to deal: 
  1. Prepare ahead of time with a daily quiet time to suit up for a day of battle (Ephesians 6:10-17). 
  2. Memorize scripture to prepare your mind with a quick defense for unexpected drama. For example, when you feel the urge to gossip, remember, “Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth” (Ephesians 4:29). Or, when someone makes you feel judged or insecure, repeat, “The King is enthralled by your beauty” (Psalm 45:11). 
  3. Pray continually. Send prayerful “texts” throughout the day and be open to how God may respond. Through communication, God is able to share his heart and make us wise (Proverbs 1:23). Additionally, you’ll be actively aware of God’s presence so you’re less likely to do or say something that goes against His nature. Remember, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay” (Deuteronomy 32:35). 
  4. Decide whether or not you need to be involved. Is this an issue that will do damage to the Kingdom of God? Can you base your answer on scripture? 
    1. If no: It’s just drama. Let it go. Be kind and loving, but don’t comment on it. Not every situation needs your input, even if the drama is directed at you. (2 Timothy 2:16). Furthermore, avoid divisive people! (Titus 3: 10-11).
    2. If yes: You’re got an actual conflict on your hands. Approach the situation with love (not revenge) and wisdom. We typically talk to everyone about our problems except the person who caused it. We all know how this goes—the problem only grows! Instead, speak directly with the person using the Biblical model for dealing with conflict in Matthew 18: “If you brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or tax collector.”
Make it a habit to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) to the women in your life. Loving, truth-filled words sound like nails on a chalkboard to that wretched Drama Llama—he’ll have no choice but to leave.

:::Read More::: 
Karen Kingsbury’s book A Moment of Weakness will force you to prayerfully consider the damaging nature of gossip and the importance of handling dramatic situations with godly maturity—I couldn’t put it down! 

:::About the Writer:::
Caroline Saunders married into ministry in 2007 and after a few deep breaths, she learned to love it. She teaches writing, and is acutely aware that her real job is to help her students to know the Living Word. She has an unhealthy relationship with Diet Dr. Pepper, nail polish, and her planner, which you are not allowed to write in, ever.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

frogs and dogs

Earlier today, with hand over heart, Princess accidentally said, “I pledge allegiance to the frog.” Then, with visions of patriotic frogs hopping in her mind, she couldn't remember the rest of the words to the pledge at all. Paranoid that her homeroom students would realize this flub and think she’s a big dummy, she whipped out the old choir trick and watermelon-ed her way through the rest of it. No one caught on that Princess wasn't being her usual patriotic self, and Princess feels she kind of deserves an Oscar. Or at least a nap. Now Princess cannot stop thinking about frogs, and suddenly feels that they’re really funny. AND Princess is wearing green right now, AND she kind of hopped in the rain this morning, which was pretty amphibious.

Also, the pups got fixed last week, and no, THEY DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. They are both supposed to wear cone necklaces so that they don’t lick the unlickables. Yesterday Princess came up to see her dogs and they were looking at her like this: 

Princess noticed Ebenezer was not wearing his cone of shame, and Uzi was hanging his head low, which is quite out of character for the proud creature. Upon further examination, Princess realized Uzi was a little weighed down because he had on TWO cones of shame. Confused by the whole situation, Princess rolled her eyes at his husband's strange logic that would lead him to remove Ebenezer’s cone and add it to Uzi’s neck. She texted Husband:

Princess: Hey dummy why is Uzi wearing two cones?
Husband: ???
Princess: Uzi is wearing two cones and Ebs is wearing none! Confused! Why you do that?
Husband: I didn't do that...
Princess: Ummmm

So then Princess looked at her dogs with bewilderment. How did Magical Ebenezer wriggle free from the cone of shame and make it reappear round the neck of his brother Uzi?

Princess had this conversation with them:

Princess: Magical Ebenezer! Explain yourself!
Magical Ebenezer: A magician never reveals his secrets bark bark.
Princess: Uzi! What say you regarding this confounding atrocity?
Uzi: Grr grr sad face.

That is all.

(P.S. Look below and you shall see little feedback squares that allow you to pat Princess on the back or crush her soul. Clickity click now, and DON'T CLICK THE WRONG ONE.)