Wednesday, February 20, 2013

the jan phenomenon

Last night while discussing Downton Abbey (!!!!!!!), the following comment was made: “Poor Edith. She’s such a Jan.” 

This statement was packed with so much truth that it smacked Princess right in the face. Princess dressed up as Jan Brady for Halloween one year after she became moderately famous for perfecting Jan’s dumb swingy-haired walk, and she feels that this makes her an expert on what she has dubbed “The Jan Phenomenon.” You see, everyone’s reaction to Jan is the same—like “oh poor thing, she is the clear reject of the group.” And the more Princess thinks about the Jans of the world, the more she realizes that every group has that one person—the person that you somewhat pity, and yet you also kind of want her to move to Switzerland or at least stop standing so close to you. This one person is the motivation behind the classic southern statement, “Bless her heart.” Like, “She breathes really loud, bless her heart.” Or, “She really loves her denim jacket, bless her heart.” She’s the person you tried to be really nice to in middle school because you didn’t want her to feel left out, but then she called you every day for a year and started dressing like you, and you had no idea how to handle it.

Princess has compiled the following list of Jans: 

  1. Edith 
  2. Spottie Dottie 
  3. Jessie Spano 
  4. The thimble in Monopoly 
  5. Claire Danes/Beth in Little Women 
  6. Molly, the American Girl doll 
  7. Mallory from Baby-sitters Club 
  8. Kimmy Gibbler 
  9. Howie from the Back Street Boys, Chris from NSYNC, and Justin Jeffre, also known as the only one whose name Princess can't remember and more importantly, THE ONLY ONE NOT PICTURED ON A SIMPLE GOOGLE SEARCH:


10. Also, this person, who posted the most depressing paragraph of all time on Ask.com: 

“I am really low on money the for christmas season this year and was thinking of selling some of my beanie baby's. I have over 200 most who are from the early 90's, they all still have their tags on and are in good condition. Does anyone know which ones sell for the most or know a website that list the rarest one?? Thanks!” 

Sad day. Where has this Jan been to even ask such a question—and on Ask.com of all places? I hope she still had a good Christmas. 

The other piece of The Jan Phenomenon is that all of us, at some point, are The Jan. Princess refuses to even publish her Janniest photo because JUST NO, but here's a photo of child Princess making her Jan face and wearing a very Jan outfit that included mary jane style Keds and purple socks:


OKAY FINE SHE'LL SHOW HER JANNIEST PHOTO:


Tuesday, February 12, 2013

tuesday is fat


Before Princess eats Chickfila: "I am sad because I'm not currently eating Chickfila."

While Princess eats Chickfila: "I am sad because this is almost over."

After Princess eats Chickfila: "I am sad that it is unacceptable for me to repeat everything I just did."

What a tragic way to live. Why can't Princess be more like Amy in Little Women? The orange Amy gets for Christmas makes her over-the-moon joyful. An ORANGE. The only orange that ever excited Princess was the one on the old Tropicana commercials where the guy sticks the red striped straw right into the orange, like "THAT'S HOW FRESH THIS STUFF IS." Swag. (Side note: You cannot drink orange juice like that, Princess has tried, and the straws with the swirly, red stripe are annoyingly difficult to find. ORANGE RAGE!!!)

Anyway Amy LURVES this orange, obsesses over it, and then, in a shocking turn of events, she has to give it to that family with the scarlet fever baby that kills Beth (ew, Beth). Though Amy parts with the dear orange begrudgingly at first, she eventually makes peace with sacrificing it for the greater good of the sad, ill neighbors/Beth-killers.

Amy is the bratty sister and STILL she handles her orange with more emotional maturity than Princess just handled her Fat Tuesday dinner. Get it together, Fat Tuesday Princess! Get it together.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

currently

Princess looooooves Emily from Jones Design Company and plans to copy everything she does. Soooo after reading what Emily's post today, Princess decided to embark on her plan immediately.


Princess is currently… 



loving: her new pen! What a great pen! PEN!



reading: Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn (her stay-up-too-late-because-it’s-so-exciting read) and Les Miserables by Victor Hugo (her let’s-appreciate-the-beautiful-description-but-also-suddenly-feel-sleepy read) 



waiting for: lunch. Always waiting for lunch. 



excited about: Lunch. But also excited about a low key weekend full of snuggles and more lunch. 



trying to: teach her husband about commas. He uses a comma when it “feels right,” and Princess, is, tired, of, editing, his, stuff. 



working on: getting all this quarter’s grading done (about 500 papers stand between her and spring break) without slipping into madness. She tricks her brain into not hating it by buying an awesome pen especially for the occasion and strategically mapping out when she'll grade what. (PRINCESS LOVES LISTS!)
Ew, #spellingprobs




enjoying: Diet Dr. Pepper 



using: MyFitnessPal app to track the calories. This is un-Princess-like behavior, but it must be done because there are pants, cute pants, high waisted pants, that feel a little snuggers. BUT, Princess does not tell her fitness pal ANYTHING that happens on the weekends. DRAMA



wearing: a sweatshirt with her puppies' faces on it. No really. It's pet day at school, but if Princess is honest with herself, she will wear this sweatshirt again.




planning: how to educate her unborn future children. Princess has inexplicably dedicated most of her recent thinking to this issue. Big plans in place, people. Big plans. In the market for a good math person willing to supplement her language arts plans and be booked like 10 years in advance. 



singing: “I’m Scared” by Duffy (Princess is not scared unless someone mentions Anne Frank--she just likes the song.)



needing: a nap. See Princess’ last post for the reason why… sheesh. 



learning: to play the guitar, ish. Her sis is totally on the ball about it, and Princess has always wanted to, so Sister’s motivation is motivating her. She’s totally freaked she’ll be bad, so she keeps attempting for like 10 minute chunks, gets scared someone can hear her, and bails. Hopefully this nifty invention will help ease her anxiety. First song on the docket: Adele’s version of “Make You Feel My Love.” 



listening to: The Band Perry, Hunter Hayes, Duffy, and Les Mis. Always Les Mis



wishing: technology was her true friend rather than one of those friends who says things like “Oh, so you’re going to wear that?” 



doing: well, helping her students through their research paper. This is always mildly traumatic, but never as traumatic as two years ago… 



dreaming of: being one of those people whose house is always clean and hair is always perfect. What is the deal with these people? Princess’ mom taught her a mantra to use whenever other people seem too awesome: “Oh yes, but they’re probably not really happy.” Use it like this: “Oh no! That girl ordered a salad, and I already ate the entire roll basket and ordered a burger! You know what, she’s super fit, but she’s probably not really happy.” 



Want to play along with Princess? YEAH GURL! What are you currently up to?

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

snoozy

Potato-face Princess is awoken by a wayward puppy.
Princess is befabbled. Many times she has come home from work like a sluggish slog, wanting nothing more than to fall into a big tub of ice cream, take a nap, and then eat her way out. But when she goes home and exchanges her pencil skirt for something decidedly stretchier, she is so THRILLED to be depenciled that she accidentally emerges from her sloggy fog and thinks, “THE POSSIBILITIES FOR MY EVENING ARE ENDLESS!!!!!!!!” and dances around the house with her puppies while thinking of 97 things she wants to do, like paint, read her book, learn songs on the guitar, go to the movies, organize her closet, PINTEREST, and go to bed early. The whole situation looks a little like this, except you can't tell how tired Princess is in the first picture because she was trying to be attractive (SELFIES Y'ALL):

So guess what happens then? She does like 5 of those things and forgets to do the last thing, the going to bed thing, which is the most important thing, because when she does not do that thing she wakes up back in her muddy haze, thinking to herself, “Surely I can press the snooze a few more times” and “Surely I will have time to grab some Starbucks” and “Surely I can get away with doing nothing to my hair” and "Surely I'll have time to make my lunch" and “Oops I’m late” and “Oops I must again face the 8th graders with no caffeine” and “Oops my hair looks weird” and "Oops I guess I'll have to eat pepperonis for lunch." Not good, people. Not good. So then she says, “Today I will be better. I will fight the urge to create random things!! I will go to bed! I will get up when the alarm tells me to! I will be responsible!” This never works. She's spent time the past two days painting this random piece of plywood and confusing herself and her husband. Does she even like the painting? She doesn't know, but she couldn't leave the plywood sitting in the backyard tempting her, could she??? The saga continues because there are STILL TWO PIECES OF PLYWOOD IN THE BACKYARD and she can't stop thinking about them. Oy.