Friday, January 11, 2013


Have you ever watched the National Spelling Bee on ESPN (YES IT’S A SPORT)? It is such a good use of time. Princess tries to watch it every June because SHEZ A GERD SPELER YAWL! JK, she’s average. She was in the school spelling bee in 4th grade (AND THE GEOGRAPHY BEE, so yes, she peaked intellectually at 9), but she got like 8th or something and wrote a melodramatic diary entry explaining the entire situation and her disdain for the word “initial.” (ITZ A HARD WERD, K?) Anywayz, the National Spelling Bee is totes hilar. One year, the winner was so pumped that she zoomed around the stage like a plane with her arms out and everything. Isn’t that the best? Yes, it is, and here is a video of how pumped she was (airplane action not shown, but the video is still pure gold). Princess wants to watch this magic in person! It is on her Bucket List along with "make a bucket list."

This year Princess was asked to be the caller at the prelim rounds of her school’s spelling bee. This did not go as well as Princess had planned. For one thing, she got shy because of the crowd and suddenly did not know how to pronounce obvious words. This made her feel dumb and insecure. Then unexpectedly everything felt funnier than it actually was… What was Princess supposed to do, for example, when this word crossed her path: pom·pa·dour [ pómpə dàwr ]? Giggle, right? Yes, so she giggled. Here’s how it went (please read using your best smug spelling bee announcer voice):

Princess: Your word is pompadour (smothered giggle). Pompadour (giggle giggle cough cough). Sorry. Pompadour.

Student: Pompadour?

P: Pompadour (giggle giggle cough).

S: Pompadour… Pompadour… Pompadour?

P: Pompadour (cough giggle cough).

S: Can I have the definition?

P: Yes. Pompadour: a man’s style of hairdressing (giggle) in which the hair is combed back so as to stand up straight (stifled giggle cough).

S: Pompadour… Pompadour… Can you use that in a sentence?

P: Sure. Pompadour: Chuck spent an hour in front of the mirror preening his pompadour.

At this point Princess starts cry laughing because all she can see is Chuck in the mirror preening his pompadour and it’s too much to handle. Everyone starts laughing, but it’s not because they can see Chuck and his pompadour preening, it’s because Princess is being awkward and they don’t know how else to respond. What a problem.

A google image search of the word pompadour may help you better understand what was going on in Princess' head.

This is what Princess would look like if she were in front of the mirror preening her pompadour and also happened to be in a British boy band called The Queen's Lads or The Crumpets or something:

Future album cover, right? So pensive and androgenous and irritating all at the same time. Remind Princess again why she does things like this and then makes them public?

Anyway, after pompadour the remaining words were similarly random and difficult (delicatessen, cauterize, baccalaureate, dystopia, planetarium, apotheosis, etc.). Then out of nowhere, this word: breakfast. BREAKFAST. Breakfast? "Breakfast" caught Princess so off guard that she went back to cry laughing and apologized again to the audience. It's not even very funny when she thinks about it, which just proves that Princess' bar for humor is TOO LOW and that she has NO FUTURE in the world of spelling bees and will never get to be one of the weirdo judges that watch the National Spelling Bee kids zoom around like airplanes and she wants to see them zoom like airplanes!!! Ah, Bartleby! Ah, Humanity!

And so with an unforseen giggle fit, all of Princess’ spelling bee dreams were crushed. In despair, she wrote this sentence to communicate her mood and the randomness of the word list that drove her to her chuckling doom (please view this picture while you read the sentence for the full effect):

Combing his pompadour with great care, Sebastian brooded over breakfast at the delicatessen and apathetically made plans to stop by the planetarium later that afternoon. 
The end.

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