Wednesday, January 9, 2013
If January were a human being, she would probably be a morning person who eats fruit for dessert and runs without an iPod. Her favorite quote is “You must do the thing you think you cannot” or whatever, and she grows vegetables and herbs in her backyard. You happen to know she has 6-pack abs because you stalked her vacation photos on Facebook, which made you want to stalk the rest of her photos, where you learned that she was valedictorian in high school. She probably dates AJ McCarron and is so superhot that no one even focused on his football game. Because, yes, January is stunning when you first see her, and you feel a bit inspired. But then you see her looking back at you, and her eyes are full of condescension because she knows about that Oreo you ate today. Were you really “being your best you” when you ate that Oreo? “No,” you respond with a sad shake of the head. Doesn’t your body deserve better than an overly processed cookie that gets stuck in your teeth and makes you look janky and homeless? “Yes,” you reply, red-faced and shamed. January is the worst.
Princess is peeling and chopping butternut squash for dinner, and she is not happy about it. Today she carefully planned and executed her grocery shopping and felt compelled to research “decluttering tips,” and she is not happy about it. She had planned on going to a spin class, but she missed it and is simultaneously happy and not happy about it. DARN YOU JANUARY FOR RUINING THE CHEER OF DECEMBER. HOW IS PRINCESS SUPPOSED TO FIX MEALS THAT ARE SUPER DELICIOUS AND SUPER HEALTHY AND SUPER ORGANIC AND USE COUPONS AND RUN AND PRETEND TO ENJOY RUNNING AND HAVE A SUPER CLEAN AND CLUTTER-FREE HOUSE AND MAKE THE BED EVERY MORNING AND GET SUPER SKINNY AND ACT SUPER NICE WHEN SHE’S NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY CAFFEINE OR CHOCOLATE? January, your bar is too high. January, you are the worst.