Wednesday, January 30, 2013

things students say

 
Working with middle schoolers continues to be interesting. Princess submits her most recent edition of “Things Students Say” for your reading pleasure:
 
Disclaimer: At least one of these is actually from a 3 year old at the school where Princess was once an admissions person. Princess snuck these in to demonstrate the similarities between 3-year-old speak and 13-year-old speak…
  1. “I can’t stand the number 4. It makes me want to puke.”
  2. “The bugs are coming out of my posterior.”
  3. “STUPID I CAN’T FIND MY TUBA MOUTHPIECE.”
  4. Student: “Oh. I thought you said ‘blow fart.’” Princess: “Why would I ever say ‘blow fart’?” Student: “I don’t know.”
  5. “I want to say something funny enough to end up on your blog.”
  6. “How much does your hair weigh? It seems like it weighs a lot.”
  7. Student: “I meant to ask where you got your sweater yesterday because it looks like it’s from J. Crew and everyone says you look like a J. Crew model.” Princess: "WHAT OH MY GOSH I LOVE YOU THAT’S THE BEST THING EVER YOU ARE MY FAVORITE STUDENT my sweater is from JC Penney."
  8. “Who is Putin?”
  9. Student: “You have a degree in B.S. Journalism?” Princess: “Well, not exactly, but I see your point.”
  10. Student 1: “Rodents are mammals because they give birth to live young.”     Student 2: “And they produce milk!” Student 3: “So what? Everyone can do that.”

But teachers say weird stuff, too. (And sometimes they have weird blogs.)
  1. “STICK YOUR HEAD IN YOUR LOCKER AND SNIFF IT.”
  2. In an email: “Mason has silent lunch today for making ‘passing gas’ noises.”
  3. “I’m praying for a drowned llama.”
  4. “He looks like a sad sloth.”
  5. “She’s just the weirdest kid, bless her heart.”

Friday, January 11, 2013

pompadour

Have you ever watched the National Spelling Bee on ESPN (YES IT’S A SPORT)? It is such a good use of time. Princess tries to watch it every June because SHEZ A GERD SPELER YAWL! JK, she’s average. She was in the school spelling bee in 4th grade (AND THE GEOGRAPHY BEE, so yes, she peaked intellectually at 9), but she got like 8th or something and wrote a melodramatic diary entry explaining the entire situation and her disdain for the word “initial.” (ITZ A HARD WERD, K?) Anywayz, the National Spelling Bee is totes hilar. One year, the winner was so pumped that she zoomed around the stage like a plane with her arms out and everything. Isn’t that the best? Yes, it is, and here is a video of how pumped she was (airplane action not shown, but the video is still pure gold). Princess wants to watch this magic in person! It is on her Bucket List along with "make a bucket list."

This year Princess was asked to be the caller at the prelim rounds of her school’s spelling bee. This did not go as well as Princess had planned. For one thing, she got shy because of the crowd and suddenly did not know how to pronounce obvious words. This made her feel dumb and insecure. Then unexpectedly everything felt funnier than it actually was… What was Princess supposed to do, for example, when this word crossed her path: pom·pa·dour [ pómpə dàwr ]? Giggle, right? Yes, so she giggled. Here’s how it went (please read using your best smug spelling bee announcer voice):

Princess: Your word is pompadour (smothered giggle). Pompadour (giggle giggle cough cough). Sorry. Pompadour.

Student: Pompadour?

P: Pompadour (giggle giggle cough).

S: Pompadour… Pompadour… Pompadour?

P: Pompadour (cough giggle cough).

S: Can I have the definition?

P: Yes. Pompadour: a man’s style of hairdressing (giggle) in which the hair is combed back so as to stand up straight (stifled giggle cough).

S: Pompadour… Pompadour… Can you use that in a sentence?

P: Sure. Pompadour: Chuck spent an hour in front of the mirror preening his pompadour.

At this point Princess starts cry laughing because all she can see is Chuck in the mirror preening his pompadour and it’s too much to handle. Everyone starts laughing, but it’s not because they can see Chuck and his pompadour preening, it’s because Princess is being awkward and they don’t know how else to respond. What a problem.


A google image search of the word pompadour may help you better understand what was going on in Princess' head.

This is what Princess would look like if she were in front of the mirror preening her pompadour and also happened to be in a British boy band called The Queen's Lads or The Crumpets or something:


Future album cover, right? So pensive and androgenous and irritating all at the same time. Remind Princess again why she does things like this and then makes them public?

 
Anyway, after pompadour the remaining words were similarly random and difficult (delicatessen, cauterize, baccalaureate, dystopia, planetarium, apotheosis, etc.). Then out of nowhere, this word: breakfast. BREAKFAST. Breakfast? "Breakfast" caught Princess so off guard that she went back to cry laughing and apologized again to the audience. It's not even very funny when she thinks about it, which just proves that Princess' bar for humor is TOO LOW and that she has NO FUTURE in the world of spelling bees and will never get to be one of the weirdo judges that watch the National Spelling Bee kids zoom around like airplanes and she wants to see them zoom like airplanes!!! Ah, Bartleby! Ah, Humanity!

And so with an unforseen giggle fit, all of Princess’ spelling bee dreams were crushed. In despair, she wrote this sentence to communicate her mood and the randomness of the word list that drove her to her chuckling doom (please view this picture while you read the sentence for the full effect):

Combing his pompadour with great care, Sebastian brooded over breakfast at the delicatessen and apathetically made plans to stop by the planetarium later that afternoon. 
 
The end.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

january


If January were a human being, she would probably be a morning person who eats fruit for dessert and runs without an iPod. Her favorite quote is “You must do the thing you think you cannot” or whatever, and she grows vegetables and herbs in her backyard. You happen to know she has 6-pack abs because you stalked her vacation photos on Facebook, which made you want to stalk the rest of her photos, where you learned that she was valedictorian in high school. She probably dates AJ McCarron and is so superhot that no one even focused on his football game. Because, yes, January is stunning when you first see her, and you feel a bit inspired. But then you see her looking back at you, and her eyes are full of condescension because she knows about that Oreo you ate today. Were you really “being your best you” when you ate that Oreo? “No,” you respond with a sad shake of the head. Doesn’t your body deserve better than an overly processed cookie that gets stuck in your teeth and makes you look janky and homeless? “Yes,” you reply, red-faced and shamed. January is the worst.

Princess is peeling and chopping butternut squash for dinner, and she is not happy about it. Today she carefully planned and executed her grocery shopping and felt compelled to research “decluttering tips,” and she is not happy about it. She had planned on going to a spin class, but she missed it and is simultaneously happy and not happy about it. DARN YOU JANUARY FOR RUINING THE CHEER OF DECEMBER. HOW IS PRINCESS SUPPOSED TO FIX MEALS THAT ARE SUPER DELICIOUS AND SUPER HEALTHY AND SUPER ORGANIC AND USE COUPONS AND RUN AND PRETEND TO ENJOY RUNNING AND HAVE A SUPER CLEAN AND CLUTTER-FREE HOUSE AND MAKE THE BED EVERY MORNING AND GET SUPER SKINNY AND ACT SUPER NICE WHEN SHE’S NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY CAFFEINE OR CHOCOLATE? January, your bar is too high. January, you are the worst.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

hipster


The following question has presented itself many times in the recent months: Is Princess a hipster? One has to be careful how one answers this question because every true hipster will obviously answer with an emphatic “NO” followed by a disgruntled chortle, but answering “YES” is a confusing confession since no real hipster would ever admit it unless he or she were doing so ironically. It’s a frustrating Catch-22.

Hipster accusations reached an all-time high when Princess tricked her students into enjoying poetry book presentations by having a “Hipster Coffee Shop” day.

During these presentations, Princess overheard one student describe a hipster as someone who “wears big glasses and doesn’t brush their hair.” Princess had difficulty wriggling out of this definition since she is guilty on both counts, but still, Princess believes herself to be the anti-hipster. She presents the following evidence to support her claim:
  1. Princess has giant glasses, but she got them like, yesterday. This was waaaaay behind the curve, and Princess doesn’t even care. She didn’t have them first, and YES, she shamelessly copied other people. A true hipster would judge her for this, and Princess doesn’t even have the heart to judge herself because the glasses help her see, distract people when she isn’t wearing makeup, and cost her less than $7. Thanks firmoo.com!
  2. She wears Uggs every day and loves them. LOVES THEM. Her fab mom finally replaced her old ones (which she wrote a poem about here) for Christmas, and her feet have never felt more snuggly or mainstream.
  3. Princess likes annoying music. She gets pumped up when she hears Justin Bieber, N*Sync, Wicked, Les Miserables, and Phantom of the Opera. You’ve heard of every single artist in her CD collection, and YES she still listens to CDs because she is too lazy to put them on her iPod (named Nanette), which she can’t find (sorry, Nanette), or her iPhone (Ida B. Wells), which she only likes when it’s wearing a cute case (sorry, Ida). She’s never, ever “discovered” a band or listened to them before they got popular because she’s too busy singing “Want U Back” by Cher Lloyd and remembering the “Oops I Did It Again” dance.
  4. She shops at really obvious places, like the mall, and has most recently bought clothes from Wal-Mart. WAL-MART!!
  5. She jumps on every bandwagon available. Princess read every Twilight book and went to every midnight showing, screaming her tiara-ed head off every time the crowd did. (Note: She still is unsure if she actually liked the books/movie or if she just liked the opportunity to be a part of mass joy.) She was even more spazzy about the Hunger Games (her spindly little arms were sore from the hours she spent perfecting her Katniss braid in preparation for the midnight showing) and TOTES CANNOT WAIT FOR CATCHING FIRE. She went to the Justin Bieber movie as a joke and then ended up being a Bielieber. She watched the Katy Perry movie and may have teared up a little bit. Bottom line: Princess loves being obsessed with stuff, and she thinks mainstream stuff is the best stuff. Current obsession: ANNE HATHAWAY IN LES MIS OHMIGOSH ARE YOU KIDDING SHE WAS SO GOOD. (Side note: Princess has felt bitter towards Anne Hathaway for years—probably stemming from the way people used to compare her frizzy-haired bespecktacledness to “the girl in Princess Diaries before she got pretty”—but after seeing Les Mis, she officially recanted all negativity towards Miss Hathaway and instead has placed all obsessive energies behind her total and complete brilliance as an ACTOR. ANNE HATHAWAY FOR PRES!!!!!)
Any arguments to the contrary will not be heard as Princess is eating chips and cannot hear above the crunching.

Happy New Year from the pups (modeling their Christmas sweaters from Wal-Mart followed by general fluffiness)!