Monday, November 18, 2013

Christmas Carol's New Glasses


Today some dumb things happened. When Princess got home, she decided to take the laundry out of the dryer like a good wife. Upon opening the dryer door, she realized that the entire contents of the dryer were a strange reddish hue. Upon investigating the rouge pile, Princess realized she had left a tube of lipstick inside her DIY strawberry sweatshirt. (It should be noted that the matching strawberry hat was previously devoured by her dogs within seconds of it leaving Princess' cranium.) After spending a near 10 minutes calmly spraying all of the contents with stain remover and then washing them again, Princess proceeded into the kitchen where she placed her sunglasses on the counter per usual. She let her dogs out and pet them and reminded them how much she loved them. After unloading the dishwasher and a completing a few other wifely duties, Princess proceeded to the bedroom so she could change for the concert she was attending that night with her mother. When she was finally dressed, wearing the ridiculous combination of a neon yellow blazer, a giant leopard scarf, huge hair, glitter nail polish, and a neon pink purse, Princess saw something in between Uzi's teeth. "What is that you have there, little friend?" Princess asked. Uzi did not answer because he's a dog and is unable to speak. When Princess analyzed the object more closely, she realized it was her sunglasses, a gift from her husband many years ago that probably cost him a pretty penny. The lenses magically disappairated, and the glasses were completely destroyed. They would only work on Princess' face if she looked like the character, Christmas Carol, she invented last year when her face was distorted in an iPhone panoramic disaster. See below. God bless us, every one. 

Princess had to take a few deep breaths and then remind herself of the mantra she has been learning at church in the series entitled "Radical Generosity." "It's not my stuff!" she said herself. "It's not my stuff!"

The logic behind this mantra is to remind us that everything that we own belongs to God. But Princess is a snarky individual, so she corrupted the phrase and decided to turn the tables on God. (Always a mature and effective choice, no?) "God, why did you leave YOUR lipstick in the dryer?!?" Princess fake raged as she shook her fist at the heavens. "God, why did you leave YOUR Ray-Bans on the counter?!" she squealed. "Didn't you know your dumb dog would eat them?" 

God said, "This is unfunny, even for you." 

The end.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

dog songs

Last night our mom and dad took us to Chick-Fil-A, and the drive-thru guy was like THOSE DOGS ARE SO FUNNY YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE THEIR EYES and we said THANKS GIRL then we realized… GIRL WE GOT FLUFFY AGAIN! Wut wut wut wut! And then we were like GIRL GIVE US SOME FRIES and then we were like OOPS YOU’RE NOT A GIRL SO WHY DO WE KEEP SAYING THAT? and he was all “It’s cool,” and Dad was like “stop sniffing my chocolate milkshake,” and Mom was like I WROTE A SONG:

Le de da de de
We are so fluffy
Can’t see anything
Barking at whatever we waaaant
This is our fur
This is our frizz
And it can’t stop…
And it won’t stop…
Can’t you see it’s we under these coats
Can’t you see it’s we behind these fros
Yeah yeah

One time Mom was having a big fat terrible day, and she was all “If I can just get home and eat my Cinnamon Toast Crunch I can successfully evade a nervous breakdown.” Then she got home and saw the cereal box on the floor all big fat empty, and that’s when she realized we had developed opposable thumbs that allowed us to open the brand new box and devour all the insides without making any mess. We thought she’d be proud, but she was flung herself onto the floor all MY LIFE IS RUINED AND I’LL NEVER GET OVER IT and we were like “yikes, drama.” And then she sobbed all the tears and wrote this song:

           They came in like a wrecking ball
           Ate up all the cereal
           All I wanted was to beat my dogs
           Uzi wre-e-ecked me
           Ebbie wre-e-ecked me

Finally we were like LOOK MOM STOP RIPPING OFF OUR GIRL MILEY, K? and she was like YOU PUPS ARE TOO YOUNG TO LISTEN TO MILEY YOU BETTER STOP and we were like WHO DO YOU THINK PLAYS THE RADIO FOR US and she was like “don’t tell Dad.”

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

sequined deer head

Burt looks over his domain with sparkling and majestic authority.

Yesterday Princess and Husband had an argument. Princess had brought home a white sequined deer head and put it on the wall. Husband was like NO NO NO THIS IS TERRIFYING NO NO and Princess was like IT SPARKLES YOU NEED TO BACK OFF.  Husband was all IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT SPARKLES IF IT HAPPENS TO BE TERRIFYING. So Princess said WHY DO YOU LET ME HAVE ALL THESE CERAMIC HANDS EVERYWHERE AND YET YOU WON’T LET ME HAVE A SPARKLING DEER HEAD? And Husband was like THE CERAMIC HANDS ARE FUNNY. And he’s right. They are.

Then Princess was like YOU HUNT REAL DEER AND GUT OUT THEIR INSIDES AND THIS IS WAY LESS GRUESOME and Husband didn’t have anything to say to that because Princess is totally right. So Princess feigned compromise and said IT REPRESENTS BOTH OF US BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO HUNT DEER AND I LIKE THINGS THAT SPARKLE and husband said FINE I LIKE GUNS AND YOU LIKE PINK SO LET’S PUT A PINK GUN ON THE WALL and Princess had nothing to say to that because it’s the worst and ugliest idea ever and yet appeals to her sense of logic.

The deer head, which Princess has temporarily named Burt after the Law and Order episode where Cynthia Nixon plays a faux schizophrenic murderer, currently remains on the wall but only because its existence has fallen out of Husband’s goldfish memory until it inexplicably resurfaces when Husband remembers it while he’s mad about something else. Oh, Burt.

There are about five trillion times a month where Princess and Husband look at one another like, “I like you but I am confused why because you are super weird and we have nothing in common.” If Princess and Husband were both on Match.com, they would never get paired up ever. If Princess likes a movie, Husband hates it and vice versa, and yet they still both really want to watch a movie together.

It’s called being stuck between a rock and a hard place, otherwise known as a hard place and another hard place or the stupidest saying of all time. And Husband is like STOP OVERTHINKING STUFF and Princess is like WE MUST STOP PERPETUATING IDIOTIC CLICHES and also WAS THIS PHRASE IRONICALLY RESONATING IN THE MIND OF THAT GUY WHO GOT HIS ARM STUCK WHILE MOUNTAIN CLIMBING AS HE SAWED HIS OWN ARM OFF? And Husband is like “I forgot to listen to the stuff you’re saying again.”

And speaking of faux schizophrenic murderers (by the way, it takes great skill to incorporate faux schizophrenic murderers and ceramic hands and sequined deer heads and arm sawing into the same piece of writing), Princess’ blog is kind of schizty, too. (Is that a word? Now it is.) Last time she was really serious and people were really supportive. She’ll probably be deep again, but sometimes she swims in the shallow end of the pool because she’s kind of tired and wants to do the Martha Washington hair thing. Thank you for loving her no matter where in the pool she is located, but please grab her if she’s on the bottom. (Unless she’s having a tea party, in which case, please join.)

Upon reading this post, Husband said, "This is weird."

Monday, November 4, 2013

thunder thighs

Thunder thighs. Cankles. Sausage arms. Muffin top.

These are the kinds of terms that echo in your daughter’s mind, often bringing her to tears, paranoia, or a vague sense that somehow she’s not all that she needs to be. They haunt her when she’s trying on jeans, while she’s out on the lake, when she’s editing her pictures for Instagram, when she wonders why that guy doesn’t like her. She thinks, “I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not thin enough.”

Where did she hear it?

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made”—God’s message to her that she never received. I try to tell her, but she doesn’t believe it. She’s already let another message permeate.

Where did she hear it?

“My mom says I need to go to the gym more if I want my homecoming dress to fit,” says one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever laid eyes on.

“My mom says I should stop eating baked potatoes because my legs are getting big,” says another. She’s stunning. If I woke up looking like her, I wouldn’t mind a bit.

One mathematical truth I heard from Christian author Jon Acuff: 

One Insult + 1, 000 Compliments = One Insult

Perhaps it can be taken a step further: 

One Insult From Your Mother + 1,000 Compliments From Everyone Else = One Insult From Your Mother

Sometimes the biggest blow a daughter receives is given from the one who loves her the most.

My mom is a knock-out—bright blue eyes, a former Miss University at Ole Miss (she hates it when we mention that, but whatever), a strong tennis player, and in general just a total babe. I think she’s the most beautiful person I know. I used to look at pictures of her in her prom dresses and think, “WOW. I’m going to be like her.”

In college I gained the Freshman 15 without realizing it. (I’m slow. And also I really like cheeseburgers.) What did my mother say? The same things she always said—comments that affirmed my beauty and value. I remember shopping for a formal dress one day. There were a million times that day when my mom could have subtly told me that I’d gained weight, but she didn’t once take the opportunity. Then we happened upon the greatest dress ever. Cobalt blue, fit like a glove. My mother loved it too, and her shared delight made me feel like a million bucks. Now, years later, when I look at that dress, I feel like a million bucks all over again. Like I said, it’s the best dress ever, even with 15 extra pounds of Caroline inside of it. My mother could have ruined it with one well-intentioned comment, but she didn’t. I need to thank her for that.

When I finally realized I gained the Freshman 15 (again, I’m slow), what did my mother say? “Okay. Well I think you’re beautiful, but I’ll help you lose it if you want.”

The result was that I had an awesome college experience and loved my life despite the fact that I was carrying around an extra 15. And then I got really skinny, had my blue dress taken in, and still had a blast. And why not? My worth does not depend on my thinness. My beauty does not depend on my thinness. I can be happy and content and beautiful and confident without it. That’s what my mother taught me, and I don’t even know if she meant to.

But now I’m realizing that my mother is rare. And most of the young girls I know carry around the comments of a well-intending mother who wants her daughter to look her best. But you already know that your daughter’s best doesn’t come from the size of her prom dress or washboard abs or perfect skin. It comes from somewhere else all together.

1 Peter 3:3-4 says, “Your beauty should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 

This verse used to stress me out because I’ve never been called gentle, and I’ve certainly never been called quiet. I’m usually described as “excitable” and “loud beyond all reason.” But Peter isn’t speaking about personality (thank goodness)—he’s talking about our spirit. We should reflect from the inside an attitude that is gentle {tender, mild, soft} and quiet {calm, unmoving, free of turmoil}. We should be at rest, content with ourselves as we are. We know women like this—we recognize their beauty and enjoy it. We leave their presence soothed, encouraged, calm. We know women who are the opposite—we recognize their beauty and resent it. We leave their presence tense, insecure, overwhelmed by all that we are not.

Mothers, be the former beauty. Encourage your daughters to rest. Let them be content with themselves. 

Mothers, rest. Rest in the fact that God loves you as are now—not as you are when you’ve spent an hour on the elliptical or when you’ve avoided carbs all day or when you’ve had your hair done. He loves you now. You are beautiful now. You are treasured NOW. You don’t have to keep striving. Rest. You are enough.

We found out a few weeks ago that we’re having a little girl. And even though I’ve never seen her face, I already know she’s beautiful. There’s something precious and profound and marvelous about her already. When she gets here, I’m want to make sure she knows how amazed we are by her—not just because of her bright eyes, sweet smile, or whatever beautiful features she has—but because she was carefully crafted with the hands of a loving God, a God who doesn’t create junk. 

God, make me beautiful in your way—give me a gentle and quiet spirit that encourages my daughter to rest in who she is: fearfully and wonderfully made.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

put the baby in a basket

So Princess is having a baby, and frankly, the experience has been the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to her, including the time she was pantsed by a mime. Recently she’s been feeling the baby kick and has simultaneous feelings of teary, giddy BLISS and terror because it’s like I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE. (She also realizes that this is the only time ever when it is considered adorable for a child to kick his/her parent. Normally that kind of behavior warrants some significant discipline with some kind of spoon. Am I right?) The whole thing is overwhelming.

And, as has previously been reported, the baby experience has been making Princess weird weird WEIRD. Once out of an intense craving, Princess scarfed down ½ a pack of sour straws, then decided she hated them forever, then experienced a sugar rush so extreme that she told many jokes through delirious tears, then was told “you are slurring your words,” then needed a nap and felt moody. WHAT? And then earlier this week, Princess, who has had no morning sickness to report, smelled something weird and promptly and dramatically barfed in the sink, yelled at her husband, and then really wanted some orange juice. Understandably, Husband is terrified. And Princess kind of is too because she DID NOT KNOW she was capable of this level of weirdness, and she does not know what she will find herself doing when the baby gets here. Here’s a list of Things People with Babies/Pregnant People Do That Princess Has Always Thought Is Weird (But Now Is Unsure Because She Is Apparently Capable of True Lunacy):
  1. Put baby in a basket on top of a dresser. Step away. Take picture. Pretend this is a normal location for a baby. Upload picture to Facebook.
  2. Put baby on the porch with a sign that says “Special Delivery.” Step away. Take picture. Pretend this is a normal location for a baby. Upload picture to Facebook.
  3. Refer to oneself in the third person as “mommy.” Mommy loves her baby! Pretend this is a normal way to discuss oneself.
  4. Get excited over a pile of future poop collectors (diapers) designed to look like a tasty treat (cake)! Do not connect the dots or you'll never eat cake again.
  5. Take pictures of naked belly next to a window and do not forget a wistful expression. Ignore the fact that there is no other point in your life when you would do this same thing.
  6. CHALKBOARD CHALKBOARD CHALKBOARD. Sit that baby in front of a chalkboard, stick that belly in front of a chalkboard, whatever you are doing INCORPORATE A CHALKBOARD, and are you kidding me, whiteboard, you are acid wash denim disgusting and we will never use you for the purpose of recording our child’s age or the fruit our unborn child somehow resembles. Get out. (Side note: Princess already used a chalkboard to announce the baby name, and she almost felt like she was lured to do so by demonic forces from Pinterest. Nevertheless, she liked it.)
  7. Become so excited about bodily functions that you rename them adorable names. (Princess and her siblings still cringe when they remember that their mother used the word tee-te—OH MY GOSH PRINCESS CAN’T EVEN FINISH THE WORD OR SHE WILL BARF IN THE SINK AGAIN.)
There’s probably more, but Princess can’t focus right now because she needs a Coke icee and feels like rearranging the furniture. If you have committed one of the acts on the list, do not fear. There is no judgment here. In fact, Princess understands you better than ever. Certainly we all have our Pinterest demons and chalk dust to battle. Cheers to you, naked belly poop cake basket baby weirdos!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

seeing

Some days I walk around with my eyes closed. (Figuratively, of course. What are you, an idiot?) I’m very good at staying inside my happy place of glitter and fluffy dogs and Coke ices. On those days I worry about what I should wear, feel guilty for not wanting to cook dinner (bleh), and pretend my dogs are people. This suits me just fine.

When I look around on my glitter days, I see the cashier who can’t work the register at Hobby Lobby and the kid that never remembers to turn in anything and the driver who don’t seem to remember he has a blinker and the girl who can’t stop Instagramming pictures of her own face, and I think, “Ugh. People are the worst.”

But other days I can see. And I see things that pierce my soul. A high school girl who asks, “What if I just want to date him so I’ll feel like someone thinks I’m pretty?” Twitter accounts sharper than any knife, designed to slice into people’s hearts with secrets and judgments, some painfully false and some painfully true. A woman who had to sit in silence while someone said, “Look at her. Why would anyone want her?” A group of students who hear irrefutable truth—truth they desperately need—and disregard it with a jaded and flippant silence. The flicker of a heartbeat in an ultrasound that makes me realize in a new way that life is undeniably precious yet horrifyingly unprotected. A middle school girl who desperately wants someone to listen to the story of her parents’ divorce—the fact that Mom moved to another state, and Dad is devastated. She told me yesterday, but she needed someone to listen again.

And on those days, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to start. I see a world trying to crush beautiful people, people created in God’s image, people who are dearly loved and yet don’t know it. People who make me realize that I—not the cashier or the driver or the excessive Instagrammer—I, am the fool. Because I base my life around a God who is in the business of loving people, and half of the days of my life I miss his most basic command:

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1 John 4:7-8

Do we know God? Then let us love. Because “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8), and our sins and the sins of others are crushing us—turning tenderhearted girls into bitter women (let this not be me!) and vibrant boys into cold and calculating men. We must not remain unseeing. We must do the hard thing: we must love.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

secret life


While many students believe teachers live at school, Princess (based on this idea from Pinterest) convinced her students that she has a secret life, and she asked them to write about what they thought this secret life entailed. Most predictions included puppies, violence by cupcakes and/or spoons, sketchy white vans, and/or general grossness. So, yeah, Princess is concerned. A few memorable details:
  • “She’s been on My Strange Addiction. Her addiction was petting homeless people. She’s still addicted.”
  • “She lives in her parents’ basement and all her friends are stuffed animals.”
  • “Her husband Luke is a cow. Her dogs are the dictators of Cuba and Spain. Her mom and dad are owners of a queasy butter factory.”
  • “Every night Mrs. Saunders would dress up like a creepy clown and drive a white van that says ‘Free Puppies.’”
  • “Mrs. Saunders is Belle from Beauty and the Beast. The beast is her dog, Uzi. At midnight, Uzi turns into Luke. She reads books nonstop. Whenever she jumps into the nearby fountain, she lands in her 8th grade classroom.”
  • “Mrs. Saunders is secretly a blueberry. At midnight, when there’s a full moon, she wells up like a big purple ball.”
  • “Mrs. Saunders likes to kidnap children, and she puts them in cages made for birds. She only feeds them paint and crayons because she is trying to make a rainbow army.”
  • “The biggest secret of Mrs. Saunders’ life is that she actually has kids. She turned her children into dogs so she doesn’t have to send them to school. Her dogs are her children who just want to become humans again, but she put a spell on them.”
  • “Mrs. Saunders is an overweight hobo who robs donut stores. She is known for stealing all the donuts and running slowly away.”
  • “Her diet consists of cupcakes and poo; however, sometimes she devours puppies with plastic spoons.”
  • “I think when Mrs. Saunders is not at Briarcrest she likes to collect toenails.”
  • “She is nice when she doesn’t eat skin off of her toes. When she takes her shoes off it looks like she colored her feet red with a marker.”
  • “One time I saw Mrs. Saunders unpacking a big box from a truck. She opened the box and there stood a wardrobe. She opened the door and climbed in. When she did, I decided to go after her, thinking it was like Narnia. I climbed inside and found…Mrs. Saunders, crammed in a wardrobe, playing with Narnia toys. It was freaky because she was cutting off the toys’ heads with a spoon.”
  • “She sells old people’s band-aids on Craigslist.”
  • “She washes her hair with frosting and runs up and down the streets throwing cupcakes at people.”
  • “Mrs. Saunders has a jet that carries millions of puppies dress in poofy, frilly, neon prom dresses.”
P.S. All of these predictions are actually true.
P.S.S. This is Princess' 100th post. So she's wasted everyone's time on 100 different occasions. Go, Princess! (Please be my friend.)

Friday, September 13, 2013

siri is ruining my life

Do you ever have that person in your life who just hates you for no reason? A dirty lying scoundrel who pretends to be your friend and then tells other people that you said something YOU CERTAINLY DID NOT SAY? Who sometimes purposefully gives you bad directions so that you end up late and looking a fool?

In celebration of the new iPhone, Princess felt this was the time to speak honestly about her relationship with Siri. In truth, Princess has been bullied and slandered. Siri puts words in her mouth that were never there and makes Princess look like an idiot in front of everyone. What about when Princess tried to say “What the heck??” and Siri changed it to “What the gecko??” THAT WAS WEIRD. WHAT THE GECKO, SIRI, YOU ARE CRAZY.

Sometimes Siri doesn’t understand you and she’s like, “YOU MEAN SNORBG” and you’re like “NO ONE EVER MEANS SNORBG ARE YOU INSANE. SNORBG IS NOT A THING.”


Sometimes Siri eavesdrops from inside your purse and hears you say “I’m hungry” so she’s like “HERE’S WHAT YOU NEED” and you’re like “SIRI MIND YOUR BUSINESS YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.”




Other times Siri is like “Do you want me to say that this girl is your husband?” and you’re like “SIRI WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.”



Other times she know you’re trying to text your best friend’s new mother-in-law and she totally sabotages the whole thing to say nonsensical grossness.



And then sometimes she just doesn’t listen at all and tries to tell people that your dog has melanoma and other weird stuff that doesn't make any sense. NO SIRI YOU ARE THE WORST.



 In conclusion, if Siri was a real person, Princess would punch her in the face. The end.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

help help my baby makes me weird


Many people have approached Princess making strange observations like, “You are so much weirder now that you’re pregnant.” Isn’t this interesting? Princess’ baby is making her weird! Princess cannot figure out what exactly inspires such observations, but she has noticed an overwhelmingly popular philosophy called “Blame All Things on Baby.”

Princess wants Pop Tarts? That baby is so demanding!
Princess cries? The baby made her do it!
Princess is frustrated? Stop that, baby.
Princess grins? Baby glow!
Princess thinks you’re stupid? No, no, don’t be mad. The baby is making her hate you.
Princess says something very strange. (How out of character!) Baby, you got her again.

Princess gets confused about how to handle this. If she’s happy, how can she tell if she’s baby happy or just normal person happy? And if she wants a Pop Tart, how can she tell if the baby demands Pop Tarts or if it’s her own out-of-control cravings elated to have an excuse? If she’s upset, is it fair to simply dismiss her as an emo preggo? (Side note: This term always reminds her of waffles, and then she wants waffles, and dang it baby, that’s you again, isn’t it?!)  

Good news—this philosophy is actually very helpful parenting advice that Princess can use for years to come! Why take responsibility when I birthed a child to do that for me? Kids are the best!

Anyway, the power is going to her head! Princess is completely relieved of all responsibility thanks to this adorable monster who has taken over Princess’ will to do his/her evil bidding! Here’s a list of things Princess is planning to do while she has opportunity to blame someone else:
  • Eat maaaaany pretzels
  • Dropkick an innocent bystander for no reason
  • Plan a heist
  • Find Amelia Earhart, tell no one
  • Tickle grumpy people
  • Pretend it’s Christmas
  • Rage in the checkout line at Hobby Lobby
  • Color on the walls
  • Take a nap under her desk
  • Wear white after Labor Day
  • Pants someone and run away
  • Pizza!

Princess is open to further suggestions. Thank you for your time.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Things Students Say (Again)



The kids continue to be weird. Here's a recent list of things overheard, like today:
  1. Wizards are so overrated.
  2. There's jello in the hallway.
  3. It smells over here. Can I move?
  4. He licked my geometer.
  5. Student 1, thoughtfully drawing a picture of a character in a short story: She likes to steal old people's boogers. Student 2: DUDE STOP COPYING ME.
  6. It smells over here. Can I move?
  7. Don't worry Mrs. Saunders. If you have your baby in a car and I'm there I'll tie the umbilical cord with a string.
  8. It smells over here. Can I move?
  9. Student, reflecting over descriptive writing: You'd have to have really big lips for that. Teacher: No, no. Not a HICKEY tree, a HICKORY tree.
  10. Want to try on my retainer?
The end, till tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Ten Reasons We Have the Best Parents in the World

by Caroline, Phillip, and Adeline


  1. Dad said he’d never marry a girl that went to Ole Miss and he’d never live in Germantown. Mom was Miss Ole Miss and they currently reside in Germantown, Tennessee.
  2. When Mom is busy cooking, and Dad is busy eating what she’s cooking before it’s all ready, Dad says, “Let me know if you’re in my way.”
  3. Once Dad punished Phillip by grounding him and threatening military school. Phillip stayed grounded for almost an entire year driving Mom nearly insane until she begged Dad to end the punishment. Phillip is torturous, Mom is a trooper.
  4. Dad won’t watch any television in real time because commercials make him cantankerous. Mom grumbles about this, but always records the shows and waits because she’d rather watch TV with Dad than without him.
  5. They kiss in the kitchen and gross their kids out.
  6. When Caroline announced her bun in the oven via the icing on a cake, Mom and Dad couldn’t see the writing because they didn’t have their glasses on. Once they put their glasses on, they got teary eyed at the news of the newest kid to love, and it was one of the best moments of Caroline’s life.
  7. Before dinner, Mom always asks Dad if he wants a glass of water, and Dad always says no. During dinner, he’ll drink Mom’s water, and when she glares at him and sticks out her chin (trademark Mom move), he says, “Isn’t this our water?” This joke has likely been going on as long as their marriage.
  8. Mom and Dad love to bounce on sleepy morning monster Adeline in the wee hours. She hates being woken up more than going to the dentist, but she doesn’t mind this because she thinks her parents are cute.
  9. Mom won’t play Scrabble with Dad anymore because he takes approximately 900 years to play a word. This is likely a passive aggressive move because Dad knows Mom will school him.
  10. Once during a pontoon outing gone wrong, Dad dove in the water after Mom like a superhero, and all his kids remember that in the middle of something scary, Dad’s love for mom was the sweetest, most awesome thing they’d seen.
Happy 30 year anniversary, Mom and Dad! We love you!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

sports


The thing about sports is that Princess doesn’t really understand them. Like put the ball in the hoop, yes, sure, let's do that. But like, why must it go in the hoop? Why are we all trying so hard to do that very tedious action over and over again? Why does everyone look mean? When do we get to leave and go out to eat? KEEP BOUNCING THE BALL AND DO NOT STOP unless you are going to throw it to someone else because if you just get tired or confused and want to stop for just a second, a very mean person in an aggressive stripe will whistle at you like you are a huge idiot and make strange motions that you’ll never understand.

In Princess’ mind, sports are kind of like being at stoplights. Like, okay red means stop, but no one else is here, and Princess feels like a big dummy for letting a light bulb boss her into doing something nonsensical. Take soccer for example—we were JUST DOWN THERE, and now someone has kicked the ball BACK to where we JUST WERE, and we all have to run back. It’s INEFFICIENT. And also DON’T TOUCH THE BALL except for SOMETIMES when some ancient person randomly decided it’s okay. Not very consistent. And most importantly, after we’re done with all this wasteful running, when do we get the cooler full of Capri Sun? WE WERE TOLD THERE WOULD BE CAPRI SUN.

As a result, Princess can’t catch anything but a cold (and honestly, she isn’t that good at cold-catching because she happens to have a very good immune system because of maybe orange juice or something). Also, Princess heard that lacrosse originated when Native Americans tossed around shrunken heads, and surely we can’t expect her to NOT envision a tiny shriveled head being thrown at her! Wouldn’t you scream and duck also?

Once, in a golf tournament of nine girls, the fourth place girl left early and fifth place Princess got her trophy! That was clear evidence of Princess' natural athletic abilities, but once the wonder of playing with a neon pink golf ball started to dim, it was back to ballet and memorizing songs from musicals. What a waste of a natural gift.

Princess is really honest about her blasé attitude towards sports, but she gets a lot of heat for it. Like one time, she was trying to be into football like everyone else, and asked for some simple vocabulary help.

Princess: “I don’t think I know what a fumble is.”
Everyone: “WHAT.”
Princess: “I mean, fumble sounds like tumble and bumbling idiot, so I’m assuming it’s when they drop it.”
Everyone: “OH MY GOSH.”
Princess: “Okay, so am I right?”
Everyone: “HOLY CRAP.”
Princess: “I just need to clarify that a fumble is when they drop it and then somebody has to jump on it first because then it’s that team’s ball. Will someone just tell me if I’m on the right track?”
Everyone: “WE ARE STUNNED AND CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.”

I mean, that’s rude. Princess once said to her husband, “Those guys should stop running right into that crowd. They never get past them, and I just feel like it’s really dense for them to continue trying the same thing over and over.” He just stared at her like she’s stupid, and Princess still stands by her comment. LOOK FOOTBALL PLAYERS, sometimes you can’t just keep running into the other guys. FIND A NEW THING TO DO. It’s only logical.

If you see Princess in person and want to talk sports, allow her reenact the time when she accidentally smacked her face on the basketball court two different times when then-new-boyfriend-now-hubby came to see her game. That’s the only thing of value she’ll have to add to the conversation. K BYE.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

birthday dogs

WE TURNED ONE!!! YUH YUH!!

Our aunt got us this superKEWL cake WITH OUR NAMES ON IT that we gobbled up!! It was the BEST! 

Plus she gave us bowties for our birthday and we wore them and all the girls were like “bow wow you doods look goooood” and we were like “WE KNOW! CALL US!” But Mom won’t let us have a cell phone and we are SO MAD AT HER. When she is on her phone we love to bark our heads off so she can’t even hear. LOLZ, take that MOM. 

Here are some of our other hobbies now that we are practically grown up dogs:

Pushing furniture around using determination and our head (Ebenezer)

(HEEHAW the chair used to be where Ebenezer is sitting.)






Ignoring and sitting on top of couch-dwellers who yell “NO DOGS ON THE COUCH!!” (Uzi):





Wearing matching t-shirts:




Taking naps:



RIDING IN THE CAR!!!:



Showing our teef:



Being gross and licking feet:





PLUS MORE STUFF:

  • Having a bone but only wanting the bone the other brother has (Uzi)
  • Burying our head in our paws when everyone annoys us (Ebenezer)
  • Barking inexplicably (Uzi)
  • DIGGING!!!!!!!!!!! (Heehaw Mom thought she taught us not to do that but we REMEMBERED HOW! LOLZ.)

THAT’S IT! Be our penpal and leave us a note because we like to talk to our friends and we don’t have an iPhone like everybody else because our mom is MEAN. K BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. We are not fluffy yet but WE'RE WORKING ON IT and taking our vitamins. KBYE!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

the paper is due friday


Even though Princess loves being a teacher and always feels giddy over the promise of new school supplies and future student brilliance, she feels tension as the end of summer approaches. Sometimes that involves anxiety dreams like this:

Teacher Princess: Alright, so you need to finish this outline today, and then the actual paper is due Friday. Remember that it needs to be typed in MLA format. So—when is your paper due?

Teacher’s Pet: Friday.

Teacher Princess: Hey kid in the back, when is this paper due?

Kid in the Back: Ummm… I forgot.

Teacher Princess: It’s due Friday. When you forget to listen, try to look on the board for clues. It says right here that the paper is due on Friday. So when is it due?

Kid in the Back: Friday!

Teacher Princess: Great! So everyone take out your agendas and write down that this paper is due Friday. I want to watch you write this down.

Kid by the Window: Wait… what are we doing?

Teacher’s Pet: UGH we’re writing down that the paper is due Friday.

Kid by the Window: WHAT PAPER??!?

Teacher Princess: The paper that we’ve been discussing the entire class period. The one we’re working on an outline for.

Kid by the Window: Haha. Oh yeah. When’s it due?

Teacher Princess: Friday. The due date is written on the board and on your handout. You need to pay closer attention.

Kid by the Window: Oops, sorry.

Teacher Princess: Okay, does everyone have the due date written in your planner?

Students: Yes!

Teacher Princess: So when is this paper due?

Students: FRIDAY!

Teacher Princess: Great! Okay, make sure I have it. If you are the type that tends to turn your papers in late, aim for Thursday. Any questions? Yes—Kid Sitting Next to Teacher’s Pet, what is your question?

Kid Sitting Next to Teacher’s Pet: When do we have to turn this paper in?

Teacher Princess: Flips her desk over and quits.

Monday, July 8, 2013

how to have tons of friends

Want to have tons of friends and have everyone like you lots??? Here's how:
  1. Sing a lot. Like a lot, and make sure you are LOUD. Sing super cool songs like “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus and “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus and pretty much anything by Miley Cyrus except for things she has sung while wearing white spandex. Also when you sing be sure to put your hand to your ear as often as possible and always ask “Was that good?” to anyone who is around you. Everyone loves someone who sings all the time, so get ready for lots of friends!!!!
  2. Take pictures of your food. All your food. THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE EATING, and it’s really unfair to not tell the world what they want to know. So put those pics up on Instagram, but don’t call it “Instagram,” call it “Insta.” Then call all your new cool friends for a party!!!!!
  3. Ask everyone if you’re skinny. Probably do it every five minutes. Like “Does this Oreo make me look skinny?” and “Uh oh, I better not stand next to that twig or I won’t look skinny” and then wait for them to tell you that you ARE skinny, even next to a twig. People love to give compliments as long as you keep reminding them to give them to you. Yay for tons of friends!!!
  4. Tap dance whenever you can. People loooove tap dancers!!!!!!!!! If you have real tap shoes, carry them with you, and always act like you just got back from a really intense tap lesson. Be sure to talk about it at length and give lots of details so people realize what a serious tapper you are. Time to make room in your life for more friends!!!!!!!!!!!!
  5. Give people lots of compliments, but always make it a little realistic so they don’t get too conceited. For example, if your friend wears her hair curly tell her, “I loooove it when you wear your hair straight because you look so pretty and it really tames the frizz.” That way, she’ll know her hair looks good sometimes, but she’ll also know that it doesn’t look good all the time and she won’t start walking around like she’s in a Garnier Fructise commercial. High five for being a great friend!!!
  6. Tell everyone the calories in everything they’re eating. No really, they want to know, and how will they know the truth if you don’t tell them? Friends tell the truth, even when it’s really rude and depressing and makes them want to throw their hamburger in the trash. What kind of person lets their friends enjoy hamburgers that could potentially ruin their life forever? Follow this convo up with the advice in #3, and then get ready for lots of people to love you lots!!!
  7. Whenever a potential friend starts to act superficial and say things like “I really want to buy those shoes,” follow up with comments that will remind them not to be so shallow, like “Oh well I really want to buy shoes for homeless people, so….” They’ll realize that you are a super-great and giving friend and want to hang out with you all the time!!!
The end. Let me know if you need more advice!!!!! LYLAS

Friday, June 28, 2013

pangaea

A car conversation:

Princess: Have you seen that weird commercial for manly Depends?
Sister: WHAT.
Princess: Yeah, they are like pads but for leaky gentlemen.
Sister: What! No. What? No.
Princess: I didn’t even know that was a thing.
Sister: Stop talking.
Princess: Wouldn’t it be better for a guy to just buy pads and pretend like they’re for his wife?
Sister: Ah, incontinence.
Princess: Is that what that word means? I have always wondered.
Sister: You’d think it’d be continence.
Princess: I guess continence means you have it all together. Oh! Like a continent!
Sister: Pangaea.
Princess: YES, OH MY GOSH I FORGOT ABOUT PANGAEA. I love Pangaea. Once the plate tectonics kicked in, Pangaea became incontinent.
Sister: What’s the point of the “in”?
Princess: Oh that means “not”—like “invisible” means not visible.
Sister: Inanimate, not animate.
Princess: Indivisible—
Sister: WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!
Princess: Whatever, I bet you don’t even remember the pledge.
Sister: I pledge allegiance to the flag and to the …. Something for which it stands.
Princess: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. And to the republic
Sister: For which it stands! One nation indivisible with liberty and justice for all.
Princess: One nation UNDER GOD—the Baptists would kill you for that—with liberty and justice for all.
Sister: Okay, okay, sorry.
Princess: It’s okay. I only remember because I have to say it in homeroom every day, but even then I’m sometimes too sleepy to remember and have to watermelon it.
Sister: I know the whole “Star-Spangled Banner.”
Princess: Prove it.

Princess and Sister sing the entire national anthem, complete with solid (a.k.a. iffy) harmonies and Whitney Houston-inspired ending. They finish, and there is silence for about 10 seconds.

Princess: So… how did we end up singing?
Sister: Incontinence, continent, Pangaea, the prefix in-, indivisible, pledge of allegiance, “Star-Spangled Banner.”
Princess: Oh.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

stream-of-consciousness

Letters. Commas. The Oxford comma. I LOVE the Oxford comma. I love commas. My comma t-shirt is upstairs. Best t-shirt. Comma, comma, coma. Misspell comma, have a coma. A comma coma. A food coma. Yum, food, Chick-fil-a. Get a salad at Chick-fil-a next time. NO DON’T DO THAT. Eat more greens. Green-eaters are annoying. Ugh why does everyone grow their own bell peppers? Bell peppers, bell, belfry. Bats in the belfry? What is a belfry? Why is that phrase in my brain? Why are the bats in the belfry? GET THEM OUT. Sheep. Amanda Bynes. Amanda Bynes. Amanda Bynes. She’s really in a byn-d. Not a good pun. Raise the bar for your puns! Worst pun ever: punny. Ironically not funny. But some not funny stuff is funny? Like when that umbrella hit the old lady on the head. It was bad to laugh at that. But it was funny. Still funny. It was umbreally funny. No. Funny bunny, funny bunny. Somebunny loves you. Easter humor is not egg-cellent. I hate egg jokes. I hate everyone. Not sheep, I love sheep. Love Amanda Bynes, always forever. Amanda Bynes. Amanda Bynes. Amanda Bynes. So upset about Amanda Bynes. Get well soon and make a romantic comedy I can memorize. Ugh but not Nicholas Sparks. Hate Nicholas Sparks, that manipulative fishmonger. Fishmonger? No explanation. Fish fish, fishy wish. Wish on a fish. Slippery fish. Can’t catch a fish with your hands, those are slippery fellows. Can’t catch a ball with your hands. Other people can, but you can’t. Sometimes can’t even high-five people. Bad hand-eye coordination. Thus hated softball, drew my name in the dirt. Can’t catch, love to doodle. Softball is my nemesis. Also can’t wink! Want to wink, but dislike winkers. Ironic. Miley Cyrus, white spandex. Wow, I love sheep. Feel bad for saying I hate Nicholas Sparks. He’s probably really nice. Wish I could text my dogs. Amanda Bynes.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

the closet

When I was 16 I went on a mission trip to Honduras. For the first time I encountered true poverty, and when I came home, I took one glance at my closet and cried. Why was I so blessed when others weren’t? I let myself feel good about being so tenderhearted to the plight of the poor and then forgot to do anything about it. This cycle has repeated itself about four or five times in my life. It goes like this: Minister to kids who don’t own shoes, feel bad about my own shoe collection, realize I need a pair of cognac boots ("they go with everything"), buy more shoes. (Now I'm not an idiot--I know that me buying shoes didn't rob a poor Honduran child of shoes, but it's easy to forget that Jesus calls us to minister to "the least of these" in the midst of accumulation.)

Now I’m 26, and I own 404 items of clothing. 404. Four hundred and four. FOURHUNDREDANDFOUR. No really, I COUNTED THEM AND THERE WERE 404. Also, I’m bad at math (i.e. counting and adding), so let’s assume I’m stupid and round up to 410. (Even numbers are friendly.) Four hundred and ten. FOURHUNDREDANDTEN.

A few things you should know about me before I continue:
  1. I loooooove clothes, but if ever accused of shopping too much (HUSBAND!!!) I have an arsenal of defense tactics:
  2. -The “Cheap Stuff Doesn’t Count” Argument: “I am a bargain shopper. NO ONE else in the WORLD has gotten a sweater for 89 cents. EIGHTY NIGHT CENTS!!!!” (That is a true story, and I brag about it bi-weekly. Keep in mind this post is not about pride but about sacrifice. I CAN’T DO IT ALL.) Bottom line: “I get good deals, and that makes it okay.”
    -The “I Am Better by Comparison” Argument: “Here is a list of people who shop more than I do…”
    -The “Fuzzy Meaning of Necessity” Argument: “I can’t wear any of the tan shoes I own with that skirt because my wedges make the skirt look too short and the flats make my legs look too short, okay? This was necessary.”
    -The Snowball Argument: “I didn’t have anything to go with those pants, so I had to get this top. And the thing about the top is that it makes the pants seem dressier, so the shoes I wanted to wear with the pants originally don’t quite go, so I had to get these shoes.” Then, revert back to argument 1: “But I used a coupon, so I got a great deal!”
    -To all arguments, add this: “If you don’t like it, I can take it back.” (This induces guilt or invites laziness, so the odds of a take-back are low.)                                   Do I mean to be this manipulative? Of course not. But I’m starting to see these tactics for what they are: manipulations and rationalizations designed to get me what I want—STUFF.
  3. Clothes make me feel good about myself. If I have on the right outfit, I’m aware of my own awesomeness. If I don’t have on the right outfit, I’m uncomfortable. Sometimes I’m so uncomfortable that I end up going shopping until I find something that reminds me that I’m original, pretty, and put-together. I don’t like this about myself.
  4. I am a bandwagoner. I looooove to be obsessed with stuff, and I am not snobby about my obsessions. The one time I did try to be a snob and go to the Justin Bieber movie “because it would be so funny,” I left the movie as a screaming superfan. I have since attended his concert wearing a glitterized Bieber Fever t-shirts. (Yes, this shirt was counted along with the other ~410 items.) I am Team Jacob, I am Team Gale, I am Team Please-Give-Me-Another-Book-To-Obsess-Over.
  5. Jen Hatmaker gave me a book to obsess over: 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. This is not the kind of book I typically purchase (I am all about novels and tend to skim over anything that’s not narrative), but I read it because I already knew her blog was really funny and irreverent, a friend recommended it, and the cover looked cool. Please be impressed by what a well-informed reader I am.
  6. I am a pack rat with no idea how to de-clutter myself. My friend Haley once told me, “I was carrying a lot of stuff the other day, and I felt like you.” Haley and I are no longer friends. This packratness (I make up words, deal with it) is what drew me to the title of Jen’s book in the first place. I long to be a minimalist while also refusing to be a minimalist, and the conflicting voices give me headaches. “Tell me what to do, Jen!” So I read the book. The book led me to the Bible like the best books do.
Reading passages like The Rich Young Ruler with fresh eyes is changing my insides. I’m just hoping that I let it change my outsides the way I’ve refused to do so many times in my life. So the plan is to cut my closet in half. To take the horrid number 410 and make it 205 (still a ridiculously high number, but BABY STEPS PEOPLE). Will the glittery Bieber shirt make the cut? I JUST DON'T KNOW.

So will I be able to do it? I don’t know. Husband says, “I don’t want you to do this and then in 6 months freak out because you ‘don’t have anything to wear.’” But that’s the point, isn’t it? To bring myself to a point of discomfort? To sacrifice in a way that hurts? Earlier in the summer I cleaned the stuff I no longer liked. Now I want to clean out stuff that I still like. Because the impoverished and disadvantaged deserve better than my reject pile. Because I need to prove to myself that I don’t need it. I need to find my value elsewhere. I need to remember when it hurts that the majority of the world lacks what I have in abundance. I need to think about what Mark 10:21 actually means for my life (especially since I've been pretending like it doesn't apply to me since I'm not "rich"...a.k.a. "I know other people who have more money"):



So I’m going to start tackling it now, and I wanted to post this for accountability. If I tell people, I have to follow through, right?

Saturday, June 8, 2013

chop

Aw dang you guys will NOT BELIEVE THIS. We have gotten our fur totes chopped off and now we are pink and naked. Naked as a jaybird, our mom tells us. She says, “Do not go outside for a long time without sunscreen, or you will get a sunburn” and we were like “it’ll turn into a tan, Mom” and she was like “that is not a real thing you dogs better listen.” She’s so annoying. Another prob is that we do not know which one of us is which. We had this issue previously, but now it is way more confusing because we are both skinny pink nightmares without any distinguishing fluff. Even our dad is a little worried that when our hair grows back they will realize that they’ve been calling us the wrong name, so Mom was like “DO NOT PLAY PARENT TRAP WITH US!” and we were like LINDSEY LOHAN LOLZ! 

So why did we have to get our fur sheared like silly dog sheep? BECAUSE our mom says she was a “bad dog mom” and did not know we needed to be groomed. We also have noticed that she is in the habit of ignoring her own hair, so we were not surprised when we also got unbelievable fluffy. And we did not really mind because it was waaaay cushy, but we were getting tired of looking like sk8r boys. AVRIL LOLZ!

Anyway, she took us to the groomer finally, and they were like WHOA WHOA THIS IS INSANE FLUFF we must get it all off! And Mom was like “oh no I’m sad, but do what needs to be done, and also can we make the fur into a sweater” and the groomer was like “no.” 

So the groomer chopped all of our Rapunzel locks off and we were like “oh no now we can’t sing and make our magical hair heal people” and our groomer was like “pipe down” and we were like “UGH WE HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DON’T GET OUR JOKES!” When we came out of the groomer, our mom was like, “WUT who are these guys?” She didn’t even know it was us and neither did Aunt Adeline!! And we were like “GURL ITZ US! WE GOT SO SKINNY! BEST DIET EVS!” NO for realz we lost like 57 pounds of hair and our mom is jealous because she remains frizzy. Lay off, Mom!!!!!!!!!! 

We get to sit on the couch because we are skinny and our parents feel guilty! LOLZ!


Mom says she is proud of us because we were good at the groomer and never got embarrassed about our new buzz cut (probs because it is WAY COOL). Mom says our self esteem is waaaaay high even though we look as she says, “ridonkulous.” We do not know what “ridonkulous” means, but it sounds hilar and we are soooooo happy because we can SEE EVERYTHING!!! Thanks goodness we do not look like sk8r boys anymore! With our new bandanas from the groomer we are skinny hipsters! We like to listen to Mumford and Sons! KEWL! Mom was like “YUH but I can see your skin, so you look weird and pink” and we were like “IT’S SALMON YOU NEVER UNDERSTAND US GAHHHH” and she was like “ugh teenagers.” 

K WE G2G BYE!!! We hope you like our blog!!!!!

A close-up on Uzi's before and after

Thursday, May 9, 2013

book review: the church planting wife



Do you ever have that lingering “I’M FORGETTING SOMETHING” feeling?? Princess has had it constantly for like three months. Every day she taps her forehead and goes hmmmmmmm. Okay yeah but then she FIGURED IT OUT. Her husband uncovered from the depths of his crowded truck a book. A book that Princess had not been able to find for so long that she forgot it was lost. A book that she had since bought on her Kindle because she forgot she had been given a copy of it. And then she saw what was tucked in the book (a sweet request from the author to review the book), and went “EEEEEK THIS IS THE THING!!!!” So, without further ado, and with emphatic apologies to the lovely Christine Hoover, here is Princess’ review of the book The Church Planting Wife (which she was supposed to do in FEBRUARY and TOTALLY SHOULD HAVE have because she certainly needed the truths in this book to encourage her during some trying moments these past few months!!):

Reading this book was similar to Princess’ experience playing blacklight dodgeball (her husband’s ingenious and uber-popular go-to youth event)—she got hit a lot. Christine is right on the mark. Like right on the mark. Sort of like Princess’ student who attended blacklight dodgeball and chucked a glowing pink ball right at Princess’ royal head. Christine’s wisdom is solid, precise, and relevant—so relevant that it’s almost a shame that the book is geared for the church-planting wife. Princess’ husband serves as a Student Minister at a church plant, so in a sense she may fall into this category, but really, anyone involved in ministry, even in a volunteer capacity, could glean invaluable insight from this book. (Perhaps one of the best uses for this book may be for ministry wives to explore it together, meeting regularly to discuss each chapter! Someone do that.)

The difference between Christine and the dodge-baller that hit Princess in the head is that Christine doesn’t cheer after she hits her mark. Christine approached each topic with a humility that really touched Princess’ hardened, cynical heart. She makes it clear that she’s going through these struggles with her readers. Here are a few of the struggles mentioned in the book that hit Princess smack in the nose:
  1. Stress—particularly the stress of ministry. Lately, ministry-induced stress has been like a 300-pound ogre sitting on Princess’ back. For the past few months, Princess has struggled more than she ever has to minister joyfully, to rest, to sacrifice. It all feels like too much sometimes, and Princess often finds herself exhausted and resentful. It would be easy to speak to a wife in that situation with condemnation, but Christine is tender-hearted and doesn’t resort to judgment (an approach that frees Princess to pursue selflessness rather than cling to her selfishness). She identifies the difference between ministry stress that comes from selfishness and the stress that comes from the false burden one might feel from trying to please anyone but God. (Princess certainly struggles with both.) Here are a few statements in the book that Princess really treasures:
    • “Stress multiples when it seems that nothing is ours—our husbands, homes, time, not even ourselves—or when everything in our lives revolves around ministry.”
    •  “If our lives are to reflect the One we follow, we must cultivate an inner quiet in the midst of outer busyness like He did.”
    • “We often associate peace with changed circumstances or a lack of busyness, but as Jesus modeled, God’s peace comes through dependence in the midst of busyness.”
    •  “When we fail to rest, we disobey God, refuse his safeguard for our hearts, and experience stress rather than peace.”
    • “Boundaries cannot be placed on a checklist, as much as I would like to sometimes. They are not often as simple as a yes or a no. Boundaries require our utter dependence on the Lord’s direction.”
    • “The sacrifice question must be answered every day, because ministry is not so much the big, dramatic acts of sacrifice but the little, unseen ones. Because we can do all manner of ministry activities and never be a living sacrifice, poured out for the benefit of others.”
  2. Spirit-led Curiosity
    • “I’ve discovered that everyone has a story. If I am simply curious about others, if I show genuine interest in them, I always find that they, in some way, have walked or are walking a hard, broken road. Spirit-led curiosity is our greatest ally in life, in ministry, and in friendship.”
  3.    Dealing with discouragement
    •  “My prayer is for thick skin and a tender heart.”
    •   “There is a mysterious value from heaven’s point of view to being in the darkness of life and still choosing to believe in a God who seems to have forgotten us. Darkness is part of the school for the soul, to delve into what really matters. To put away all that is frivolous or vain and to sift through what really matters. When we are desperate, we are serious, focused on what life is all about, what He is all about. “
  4. Thawing. This is Princess’ favorite concept, and one that she’s shared many times just this week. It’s the idea that you should purposefully let people see you at less than your best—when your house is a wreck and you didn’t have time to shower (so that's every other day if you're Princess). Princess does this in tiny ways—never untagging unflattering pictures on Facebook and regularly confessing embarrassing moments—but Christine reminded her how crucial this is. It brings our focus outward and soothes others that feel the pressure of perfection.
    •  “I’m practicing thawing, too—not worrying when other see my disarray on accident, even when I am not controlling what messes they’re allowed to see. In thawing, I find myself in a state of gratefulness. Less of my time is spend corralling life and more of it is spent seeing, listening, and relating. There is less coldness and looking inward, more warmth and seeing outward. Less trying to impress and more enjoying the life and people I love.”
    • A quote from Matt Chandler’s wife Lauren: “I needed to stop pretending I had it all together…If you don’t start walking in openness about your sin, you eventually start believing you do have it all together and that’s when you can end up ruining your marriage and your ministry and your own soul.”

Bottom line: The Church Planting Wife is scripturally based, full of hope and wisdom (some of which is from interview with other church planting wives that are sprinkled throughout). Some of its best advice is applicable to anyone: “Teach yourself to crave the Word, drench yourself in it, and learn to depend on God for everything that you need.”

A personal word from Princess (otherwise known as Caroline): Thank you, Christine, for a beautiful book that has resonated with me so deeply. I consider it a long-distance mentorship, and I am forever grateful.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

donuts


Princess: AHHH!!! I’m late! It’s 7:00!!! Why didn’t my alarm go off!! 
Husband: murfrustutusummm 
Princess: Wait—what day is it?? WHAT DAY IS IT?? 
Husband: murfrustutSaturdayusummm 
Princess: Saturday?!?! 
Husband: mmmmhmmmmm 
Princess: Oh thank goodness. Oh gosh. Okay wow, yay, I love Saturdays. 
Husband: murfrustutusummmdonuts 
Princess: What? 
Husband: murrfurrrrIgonnagetdonuts 
Princess: Okay!! Should I come with you? 
Husband: Mmmmmmm… k 
Princess: Great!! 

Princess and Husband get into the car and head two minutes down the road to Sam’s donuts. Husband makes this exact trip every Saturday morning, but this is the first time Princess has ever accompanied him. She notices that although she is being her usual delightful, chatty self, and Husband is acting bear-like.

Princess: Should I stop talking?? You seem single-minded to the point of recklessness. 
Husband: I need donuts. 
Princess: Well, I mean you’ll have them in like 30 seconds. 
Husband: I wish you could see what was happening in my head right now. 
Princess: I think there are donuts with cartoon faces wearing tap shoes and making jazz hands. 
Husband: Yes. 

At Sam’s donuts: 


Husband: Tell them what you want. 
Princess: Yeah, but I’m not sure yet. I need to look. 
Husband: TELL THEM. 
Princess: I just need a minute. 

Wide-eyed and filled with resentment, Husband turns to the cashier: 
INEEDTHREEBAVAIRANCREAMFILLEDECLAIRSANDABANANAFRITTERANDTWOCHOCOLATEMILKS. 

Princess: Oh I don’t want a chocolate milk. 
Husband: I didn’t order for you. 
Princess: Oh. Yikes. 

Princess orders a peanut butter donut and a blueberry cake donut, and the two leave the store. 

On the ride home: 

Princess: Do you want a donut? 
Husband: I DON’T EAT THEM UNTIL I GET ON MAYNARD. 
Princess: Okay… (waits 1.5 seconds) 
Husband: OKAY WE’RE ON MAYNARD NOW I NEED A DONUT. 
Princess: Okay… 
Husband: GIVE ME THAT DONUT. 

With a vigor that defies logic and Princess’ capacity for description, Husband eats three Bavarian cream filled éclairs and chugs two bottles of chocolate milk before the pair arrives home two minutes later. 

At home: 

Princess: Now that we’re up, do you want to run that errand we discussed?
Husband: NO! Now I have to sleep. 
Princess: Why? 
Husband: BECAUSE I FEEL FUNNY. 
Princess: Well yeah, you ate three cream-filled éclairs. 
Husband: I KNOW. 
Princess: Do you want your banana fritter? 
Husband: NO THAT’S FOR WHEN I WAKE UP!!! (Eye roll.) 
Princess: Okay, sorry. 

Princess has decided to no longer accompany her husband on his Saturday morning donut outings.