Thursday, October 18, 2012

alphabet 2.0

 Princess disagrees with the alphabet. Isn’t that arrogant? She can’t help it. Her instincts have always told her that the letters should be in a different order, and she can’t shake the feeling. This discrepancy rears its ugly head every nine weeks when her students turn in their signed interims, and Princess has to alphabetize them. She suddenly becomes very snarky and haughtily grumbles things like, “How absurd that S comes after R,” and “V, get behind W where you belong!”
Princess would like to submit her upgraded version of the alphabet, Alphabet 2.0, in which all the letters are in their probably God-ordained place:
Please note:
  • L obviously deserves a higher position in the alphabet. Alphabet 2.0 corrects this injustice.
  • For too long R has been creeping up before S and T, and frankly, it’s disgusting. No one likes that sneaky ninja that skips ahead in line at Wal-Mart, and we certainly don't like it in the alphabet. Alphabet 2.0 ensures that S and T reclaim their rightful place: S T R. How nice!
  • W looks like a double V in practically every font, so let’s call it what it is, shall we? Also, isn’t W (double V) then V a much more practical placement?
  • Q has been removed completely. Q is much too dependent on U, and that kind of neediness is unattractive. Have you ever tried playing Scrabble with a Q hanging around? So annoying. She's all "Awwww I can't play without U," and you're like, "Shut up and be your own person."
  • X has also been removed because it reminds Princess of difficult math problems and annoying marketing words like “X-treme.” Also Princess is tired of fellow Christians getting grouchy when lazy people use the term “X-mas,” and she also kind of tired of other fellow Christians getting fired up and shouting that X stands for Jehovah and therefore “X-mas” does not “take Christ out of Christmas” and blah blah. Let’s all just eat a candy cane and take Paul’s advice and not argue about words (2 Timothy 2:14). (Paul didn’t say anything about letters so Alphabet 2.0 is still biblically sound, as long as you are not a legalist, which of course you aren't because no one, including Princess, ever likes to admit it since being a legalist is really gross.)
Other thoughts:
  • Princess considered nixing K because she breaks out in hives every time she sees signs that say “Klassy Kids” or “Kids Kamp,” but she really likes the CK pairing, as redundant as it may be. Duck, click, and sticky are just awesome words that wouldn’t be the same without K.
  • Z should probably be removed, but it makes a valuable contribution to fun words (zany, zebra, zipper, baked ziti, buzz, etc.), so Princess is leaving it in. If you’re looking for a good time, Z is your letter.
Have a dazzling day, you zesty zombies, and rest easy, knowing that at long last, all is well with the world (except of course for the debacle that is north, south, east, and west, but Princess will have to nap before she resolves that nasty issue).

1 comment:

  1. "She's all 'Awwww I can't play without U,' and you're like, 'Shut up and be your own person.'" Favorite line ever written.

    Way to go, sis. You blog like a champ. BEUUUZZZZ