Thursday, October 18, 2012

alphabet 2.0

 Princess disagrees with the alphabet. Isn’t that arrogant? She can’t help it. Her instincts have always told her that the letters should be in a different order, and she can’t shake the feeling. This discrepancy rears its ugly head every nine weeks when her students turn in their signed interims, and Princess has to alphabetize them. She suddenly becomes very snarky and haughtily grumbles things like, “How absurd that S comes after R,” and “V, get behind W where you belong!”
Princess would like to submit her upgraded version of the alphabet, Alphabet 2.0, in which all the letters are in their probably God-ordained place:
Please note:
  • L obviously deserves a higher position in the alphabet. Alphabet 2.0 corrects this injustice.
  • For too long R has been creeping up before S and T, and frankly, it’s disgusting. No one likes that sneaky ninja that skips ahead in line at Wal-Mart, and we certainly don't like it in the alphabet. Alphabet 2.0 ensures that S and T reclaim their rightful place: S T R. How nice!
  • W looks like a double V in practically every font, so let’s call it what it is, shall we? Also, isn’t W (double V) then V a much more practical placement?
  • Q has been removed completely. Q is much too dependent on U, and that kind of neediness is unattractive. Have you ever tried playing Scrabble with a Q hanging around? So annoying. She's all "Awwww I can't play without U," and you're like, "Shut up and be your own person."
  • X has also been removed because it reminds Princess of difficult math problems and annoying marketing words like “X-treme.” Also Princess is tired of fellow Christians getting grouchy when lazy people use the term “X-mas,” and she also kind of tired of other fellow Christians getting fired up and shouting that X stands for Jehovah and therefore “X-mas” does not “take Christ out of Christmas” and blah blah. Let’s all just eat a candy cane and take Paul’s advice and not argue about words (2 Timothy 2:14). (Paul didn’t say anything about letters so Alphabet 2.0 is still biblically sound, as long as you are not a legalist, which of course you aren't because no one, including Princess, ever likes to admit it since being a legalist is really gross.)
Other thoughts:
  • Princess considered nixing K because she breaks out in hives every time she sees signs that say “Klassy Kids” or “Kids Kamp,” but she really likes the CK pairing, as redundant as it may be. Duck, click, and sticky are just awesome words that wouldn’t be the same without K.
  • Z should probably be removed, but it makes a valuable contribution to fun words (zany, zebra, zipper, baked ziti, buzz, etc.), so Princess is leaving it in. If you’re looking for a good time, Z is your letter.
Have a dazzling day, you zesty zombies, and rest easy, knowing that at long last, all is well with the world (except of course for the debacle that is north, south, east, and west, but Princess will have to nap before she resolves that nasty issue).

Monday, October 15, 2012



Today Princess thought she was returning an email from her husband, and she began with the phrase “Noooooo dummy” because the email made no sense. As it turns out, the original email WAS NOT FROM HUSBAND, but instead from a complete stranger that Princess had emailed earlier that day to schedule an event. (This made the email make perfect sense.) YES. Okay, so this event opened the floodgates of embarrassing moments that Princess has been holding back, and like, she is freaking out at her CONSISTENT NEED TO BE AN IDIOT.

Here's how the very nice man responded, by the way:

Woof. Princess felt really guilty and ate stuff.
There was another incident when Princess was working at a publication, and a PR Rep emailed her about some kind of band that was supposed to prevent bra back fat. Princess thought it was hilarious, and forwarded it to a coworker, a friend who found humor in such things, and added the very articulate sentence “u need this.” Unfortunately, Princess DID NOT hit forward, but rather hit “reply,” and, well, she smashed her head into the wall repeatedly and then wrote a spastic apology that she truly, truly meant.

Another time, just as Princess was saying the sentence, “Mimes are so weird and gross,” a mime pulled up her dress in front of EVERYONE. EVERY. ONE. A. MIME, YES, MIME. MIME!!!!

On Princess’ birthday this year, she was really tired from excessive nesting, so when people would tell her Happy Birthday, she would say it back like “Oh, yes, Happy Birthday to you, too!” Then people would stare, and Princess would just keep smiling like, “Let me figure out what just happened.”

Or what about when Princess’ likeness appeared in the profile picture of a running group’s Facebook page, and she looked like this:

Yes, the smiling idiot is Princess. She's the worst.

Or what about this past weekend when Princess started texting her best friend’s new mother-in-law, and then stopped to say something to someone else, and then looked down at her phone, and realized she’d hit the “talk to text” button and that it COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD her and typed up the following:

I MEAN IS THIS REAL LIFE??? Luckily Princess caught it in time and deleted it, but she still compulsively told her bestie’s mother-in-law all about it because she has this problem where she TALKS TOO MUCH (don’t act like you haven’t noticed), and that might have been weird, but Princess isn’t sure. And then she blogged about it? Like, why?

The thing is, even though Princess is currently embarrassing herself via this blog post, she can’t even tell you the most idiotic things she’s done because they’re SO EMBARASSING that she doesn’t even know how to laugh about them yet. Instead she just does exercises like this to shake all the stupid out:

IS PRINCESS THE LONE IDIOT ON THIS PLANET? ARE THERE MORE PEOPLE OUT THERE LIKE HER??? If so, let’s get lunch or start a support group with lots of chips.

Sunday, October 14, 2012


Photographic Highlights of Princess’ Week:

Painting her front door yellow while watching Downton Abbey

Comparing her puppies to Snuggles
Running like a loon while being bespeckled with paint and wearing a tutu
Watching her beautiful bestie Brittany tie the knot
Cheering for her friend Keaton from afar while she demonstrated her superiority to the rest of the human race by running the Chicago marathon

Spending two hours this afternoon alternating between cleaning up soupy dog poop and throwing up because it was super disgusting. Here are the mug shots of the guilty parties, after their very splashy bath:

So the last one wasn’t exactly a highlight. It made Princess contemplate running away to the circus, but then she realized circus people probably smell worse and are not as fun to cuddle with.

The end.

Monday, October 8, 2012

here I raise my ebenezer

Uzi and Ebenezer have been very busy as of late. Just yesterday they spent hours licking a slug, who was terrified, and today they argued over a pine cone. Pine cones are a hot commodity in dog world, and Princess has learned that whoever has the pine cone is King of the Yard.

Since Uzi is usually King of the Yard, Ebenezer has spent his free time working on his modeling portfolio with Princess. Here's what they have so far:


Unfortunately, Princess believes that although Ebenezer has the look, he does not have the drive to do what it takes to be a successful dog model. If there's one thing Princess learned from Tyra Banks and America's Next Top Model, it's that modeling is HARD because sometimes you have to be still even if you don't want to. Get it together, Ebenezer. Get it together.

Monday, October 1, 2012


Hello. We are puppies. Go ahead and nudge your neighbor and talk about how cute we are. We are getting used to it. These two weird people picked us up last week and then forced us to sleep in a laundry basket in a car for seven hours. They kept saying annoying things like, “Ooooh puppy wuppie we wuv yew!” and “Heeey, fluffers let’s cuddle forevsies!” One of these people is a girl and we reeeeeeally like to bite her hair. Her toes are fairly tasty as well. Sometimes she sings songs about our names and dances for us while we try to sink our teeth into those wiggly pig-like toes. It’s pretty fun. The other person is a boy and he does strange things like bark at us and say, “I’M THE ALPHA DOG!” We don’t know what he means, but we’re pretty sure it’s stupid.

Anyway, it’s been a week, and we have done some hilarious things. We take turns pooping on the floor like little pooping ninjas. We have to be very stealthy because that girl with the hair only turns her back on us for like 5 seconds, and that’s when it’s go time. She has this rug with a heart on it, and we especially like to poop on that because she’ll say things like, “The puppies are pooping on my heart!” and then we wag our tails and look so fluffy that she feels compelled to give us a treat. What a sucker.

Here’s our daily agenda:
  1. Brother cuddle time
  2. Whine until that girl gets us out of our crate
  3. Trot around outside
  4. Fall down because we can't help it
  5. Pee outside
  6. Pee inside
  7. Watch that girl get frustrated and make her a little late for work
  8. Brother biting time
  9. Bark
  10. Whine until that boy gets us
  11. Eat
  12. Drink lots of WATER! We love WATER! We like to splash.
  13. Repeat 4 and 5
  14. More biting
  15. Eh we are tired of making a list, and you get the idea anyway

That girl took us to the vet last week, and we were kind of freaked out, especially when we saw a ferret in the waiting room, and it crawled out of a lady’s hair. The girl was like “Yikes pups do not look that ferret in the eye or you will get parvo.” Anyways we were all out of sorts after the ferret encounter and our usual floppiness was exaggerated and one of us fell off the table. That girl was all “AHHHH EBENEZER ARE YOU OKAY OHMIGOSH I LOVE YOU” and Ebenezer was like “What just happened.” That’s one of our names by the way: Ebenezer. The other one of us is named Uzi (like Oozie). WE TOLD YOU THAT GIRL AND THAT BOY ARE WEIRD. Anyway, Ebenezer falls down a lot. He’s the floppiest thing you ever saw. By the way, we are not sure which one is Ebenezer and which one is Uzi because, hello, we are like 9 weeks old, and how are we supposed to remember that?

That's us looking adorable at the vet. That girl had to hold us and fill out paperwork AND avoid eye contact with the ferret all at the same time. She told us that this is called "multitasking" but we weren't really listening because we prefer to bite her fingers.

Anyway once Ebbie recovered we decided to bite the vet assistance’s shoelaces. We untied them like 45 times and it was hilarious. She didn’t even care because we were so cute and floppy.
Also today we learned to dig and it was AWESOME. We have dirty faces and WE LOVE OUR DIRTY FACES!
Then Uzi saw his reflection in the window and ran into it like 7 times. That was confusing because we were pretty sure that Ebenezer was the dumb one. Now we aren't sure.
Well we need to go to bed now. (Our paws are getting tired of typing.) We like to sleep like this: