Wednesday, August 29, 2012

hungry hippo

Mood: HUNGRY
Nail Color: Impress French Manicure
Day's Inspiration: 1 Corin. 16:14 "Do everything in love."


Princess likes to sabotage the healthy choices her husband makes because overachievers make her mad and she wants him to fail like her. FAILING is FUN when it comes to nutrition. Why doesn’t Husband want to have fun with Princess? That’s really rude of him.

While perusing J. Crew this weekend, Princess was showing Husband all the lovely things she had recently fallen in love with, and when they got to the men’s section, Husband commented that he liked a few things too. This jolted Princess out of the snoozefest she typically experiences in the men’s section because, you have to understand, Husband is not very into clothes. As a student pastor, he always looks like he’s about to go to camp, and Princess has no problem with this (that is, until the camo crocks arrived, but that is another story and requires stronger medication). But imagining Husband in J. Crew was absolute BLISS! How lovely! Husband saw his opportunity.

“If you do the diet with me for three weeks, I’ll let you pick out an outfit for me.”

“Um. What?” Princess is trying to play it cool, but she is not good at containing her excitement.

“Do the diet with me for three weeks, and you can pick out an outfit for me. And we can get you an outfit too.”

“WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Princess is flipping out while also trying not to flip out, and Husband knows he has won because Princess will never try to sabotage him when cardigans are on the line. I told you he was rude.

Princess skips to the car with visions of brightly colored pencil skirts and polka dots dancing in her head. She also realizes that she has to eat ALL the leftover pizza in the fridge in the next few hours before the diet officially begins. She has no trouble with this.

Now Princess and Husband are less than a week into the diet, and she remembers why she hated this diet last year when they did it for a few months. (MONTHS!!! WHAT! WHY! HOW!) Here are a few ways to tell if you, like Princess, are unfortunate enough to be on a low carb diet:
  • You start smelling fair food, inexplicably, when you’re nowhere near any kind of kitchen and it’s 9 in the morning. You learn that you would indeed kill someone for the fried snickers remnants on their carnie little fingers.
  • When you drink hot, unsweetened green tea instead of the sugared beverage you want, you have the sensation that this is what it would be like to drink an old man’s beard.
  • People’s faces begin to look like cinnamon rolls. You want to eat someone’s face off. You understand what that zombie man was going through. Wait no you don’t, that was the weirdest thing ever.
  • The sprinkles on the cupcake your student brought you this morning are morphing into the face of Regina George and Regina mocks you mercilessly. You want to eat her face off. You understand what that zombie man was going through. Wait no STOP SAYING THAT.
  • You decide to sneak a jolly rancher, and even though it’s stickier than sticks and has bits of wrapper stuck to it, you eat it anyway. (No, you don’t eat it, you savor it for ten minutes and cry tears of joy. The kids in study hall are like, WHAT! WHY YOU CRYING? And you’re like, “Watermelons don’t even taste like this! The ranchers are jolly liars!”)
The end.

7 comments:

  1. I drink unsweetened hot green tea every night...... does that mean I'm old?? :)
    I guess my yummy cupcake pictures on Instagram were a big fat tease then. Good luck, I'd rather work out and eat whatever I want to than go on a diet.

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    Replies
    1. Linds, you are NOT old! Princess has always had sweetened greened tea, and she's too lame to have acquired a taste for the "real" stuff. Same goes for coffee...

      YES those cupcake pictures were brutal (they looked AMAZING), but on this diet, Saturday is a cheat day, so she is planning some serious cupcakery!!! Woohoo!!!

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  2. Things not getting done because I found a new wonderful, hilarious blog...
    1. Lesson Plans for next week
    2. Grading
    3. Realizing that the kids are walking in the door

    love love love it!

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  3. Greetings, sweet princess, from a fellow cupcake-and-everything-barefoot-contessa-makes addicited carbaholic - trying to turn low carb paleo...

    Yes, it is a difficult journey, the worst part of which was trying to redefine who I am without the sugar. Am I the same person? More than two years of denial, trying and failing, always going back to Muddy's - because they are the best cupcakery in town, yes? - and I still don't know.

    However, after listening to the podcasts (Undergroud Wellness rocks), reading the books (Wheat Belly, Deep Nutrition, and more)the Lord has shown me that my decision to take the blue or red pill can be the path to health and life to do His will and to be the best wife and mom He has called me to be.

    We should be women of truth - driven by truth - whether that is spiritual or otherwise. After all, it is truth that sets us free...

    With green smoothie love,
    Shelley (a reformed princess)

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  4. I KNOW! There is no watermelon flavored thing that tastes like Watermelon!

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