Friday, August 31, 2012

commercial break

"What? Two posts in two days? That Princess is on the ball."

"Totes, girl. She is soooo on the ball, and not to mention FUNNY."

"Agreed. And pretty."

"Who could forget how pretty she is?"

"I mean... no one. What a ravenous beauty."

"You said ravenous, but I think you mean ravishing."


"Yikes. Did you hear that she wrote an article on that blog Grace Covers Me?"

"Like, no way, I did not hear that! I totes need to check it out. What's the URL?"

"Girl, it's I memorized it even though it's really long."

"Oh yeah! Princess is obsessed with that blog, and doodles stuff from it all the time! Look at these photos I saw on her Instagram..."

"Oh, golly gee, Princess does love to doodle. She probs needs to develop more significant hobbies."

"Do NOT speak ill of the Princess."

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

hungry hippo

Nail Color: Impress French Manicure
Day's Inspiration: 1 Corin. 16:14 "Do everything in love."

Princess likes to sabotage the healthy choices her husband makes because overachievers make her mad and she wants him to fail like her. FAILING is FUN when it comes to nutrition. Why doesn’t Husband want to have fun with Princess? That’s really rude of him.

While perusing J. Crew this weekend, Princess was showing Husband all the lovely things she had recently fallen in love with, and when they got to the men’s section, Husband commented that he liked a few things too. This jolted Princess out of the snoozefest she typically experiences in the men’s section because, you have to understand, Husband is not very into clothes. As a student pastor, he always looks like he’s about to go to camp, and Princess has no problem with this (that is, until the camo crocks arrived, but that is another story and requires stronger medication). But imagining Husband in J. Crew was absolute BLISS! How lovely! Husband saw his opportunity.

“If you do the diet with me for three weeks, I’ll let you pick out an outfit for me.”

“Um. What?” Princess is trying to play it cool, but she is not good at containing her excitement.

“Do the diet with me for three weeks, and you can pick out an outfit for me. And we can get you an outfit too.”

“WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Princess is flipping out while also trying not to flip out, and Husband knows he has won because Princess will never try to sabotage him when cardigans are on the line. I told you he was rude.

Princess skips to the car with visions of brightly colored pencil skirts and polka dots dancing in her head. She also realizes that she has to eat ALL the leftover pizza in the fridge in the next few hours before the diet officially begins. She has no trouble with this.

Now Princess and Husband are less than a week into the diet, and she remembers why she hated this diet last year when they did it for a few months. (MONTHS!!! WHAT! WHY! HOW!) Here are a few ways to tell if you, like Princess, are unfortunate enough to be on a low carb diet:
  • You start smelling fair food, inexplicably, when you’re nowhere near any kind of kitchen and it’s 9 in the morning. You learn that you would indeed kill someone for the fried snickers remnants on their carnie little fingers.
  • When you drink hot, unsweetened green tea instead of the sugared beverage you want, you have the sensation that this is what it would be like to drink an old man’s beard.
  • People’s faces begin to look like cinnamon rolls. You want to eat someone’s face off. You understand what that zombie man was going through. Wait no you don’t, that was the weirdest thing ever.
  • The sprinkles on the cupcake your student brought you this morning are morphing into the face of Regina George and Regina mocks you mercilessly. You want to eat her face off. You understand what that zombie man was going through. Wait no STOP SAYING THAT.
  • You decide to sneak a jolly rancher, and even though it’s stickier than sticks and has bits of wrapper stuck to it, you eat it anyway. (No, you don’t eat it, you savor it for ten minutes and cry tears of joy. The kids in study hall are like, WHAT! WHY YOU CRYING? And you’re like, “Watermelons don’t even taste like this! The ranchers are jolly liars!”)
The end.

Friday, August 24, 2012


Mood: Green
Nail Color: Impress French Manicure
Day's Inspiration: Psalm 98:4 "Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth."

Once Princess went outside and took an artsy picture in hopes that she would seem earthy.
She doesn't like the way the nature makes her nose look.

Today Princess walked somewhere when she could have driven. This felt very earthy and green and eco-friendly, and Princess found herself feeling like she should adopt a whale. This is unusual because Princess remembers childhood bestie Claire adopting a whale and having a whale bumper sticker in her closet, and Princess remembers that this made no sense to her.

Princess kind of has a cold heart with regard to nature and animals. Sometimes people will be like, “OHMIGOSH A BUNNY!!!! LOOK AT THE BUNNY!!! BUUUUNNEEEE” and Princess is like, “Eh.” And then people are like “I LOVE FLOWERS AND GARDENING IN MY YARD!!!!” and Princess is like, “Isn’t that where the flies live?” She also scoffs at the one-eyed cats on those Sarah McLaughlin commercials. Her sister will cry about them, and Princess is all “STOP IT THEY ARE ACTORS.”
Princess took a Howard Gardner Multiple Intelligences test during teacher in-service, and she got a "0" for Naturalist Intelligence, which means Princess needs to stay inside. She already knew this based on her abusive relationship with the sun. She’s had billions of horrific sun beatings but Princess keeps going back for more. Therapy needed.
In light of these examples, it was strange that Princess took that walk and then felt the urge to adopt a whale. What is happening? She doesn’t even know who she is anymore, especially because she recently rediscovered a love for horses. She loved them as a kid because of her Lisa Frank horse folder that was so saturated with color that it burned her eyes and captured her heart forever. But then she got on a horse and fell off. And then she got on another horse and fell off and the horse almost stomped on her head. And then she went to Claire’s birthday party and they gave her Old Maid because they knew she was scared of the horses and Old Maid GOT LOST IN THE FOREST AND PRINCESS WAS ALL BY HERSELF LOST AND CRYING IN HER DENIM SUNFLOWER HAT. So Princess swore off horses forever. But then she discovered @WeirdHorse on Twitter and on at least 10 occasions Princess has laughed so hard she cried. And THEN she saw a horse painting at Pier 1 and kind of wanted it. That’s embarrassing.
Anyway, on Princess’ walk she saw many weird things such as forks and a crusty toothbrush. This was disturbing because it diminished the charm of her walk and offended her whale loving heart. And then she thought SOMEDAY I WILL WANT TO STROLL ON THIS STREET WITH MY FUTURE BABY CHILD IN A PRAM AND THESE ITEMS ARE UNACCEPTABLE. So she’s thinking of adopting a whale AND organizing a street cleanup.
Also, when Princess returned from her walk she watched The Hills, Season 2. Since hills are considered a landform, this also counts towards boosting her naturalist intelligence.
So, in conclusion: reduce, reuse, recycle, save the whales, go green, adopt the sad puppies, blah blah blah.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

happy birthday, sister!

Mood: Nostalgic
Nail Color: Imporess French Manicure
Day’s Inspiration: 1 Sam. 18:3 "Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul."
Princess has this sister. Except for when they are brothers. Which will make sense if you scroll down. Anyway, she has this sister and they are besties. Princess hangs out with Sister constantly when location allows, and she has seen a particular brand of crazy that many have not had the pleasure of experiencing. The world will be deprived no longer! Here 21 reasons Princess loves Sister in honor of her 21st birthday yesterday:

1.       She sleeps weird.

2.       Upon seeing a pack of silica gel (that weird stuff that comes in new purses) on the ground:
S: "Oh no... That's my number 7 fear."
P: "Come again?"
S: "I really hope a dog doesn't eat that."
Five minutes later:
"I'm worried about the dogs."

3.       Sometimes she gives you this look like she’s about to slice off all your toes one by one but she doesn’t mean it.

4.       She was a cute baby with fat cheeks.

5.       Attention, everyone: She’s using you to get to your dog.

6.      She is hopelessly awkward, particularly to every waiter/waitress/drive thru ever: "Oh hi! Um, hah, I, uh, can I have the burger? Haha okay, um sorry. Thank you! Sorry. Haha."

7.      She has cool hair.
8.       She’s one-third of the soon-to-be-famous sibling band The Magical Powers.
9.       Her bliss is doing puzzles and eating cheese puffs, and she dreams of one day working in a cubicle.

10.   She speaks fluent Frenglish.
11.   If you look closely in this picture, she has a gnomish beard.
12.   She’s very helpful, particularly with Princess’ new house.

13.   SHE LOVES DOGS. Has Princess mentioned that yet?
14.   She knows how to rock bangs. And glasses.
15.   She can’t resist sampling the makeup in Sephora either.
16.   Once sister laughed all by herself randomly. Everyone stares. She says, "Oh sorry. I was just thinking about the funny thing Fritzi did today." Fritzi is a dog.
17.   S: "PULL OVERRR!!!!!!"
P: Screeeeech. "OH MY GOSH, WHAT'S WRONG??"
           S: Gets out of car. "IT'S A BULLDOG!!!!"
           P: Sigh.
18.   She looks like a pedophile when dressed as a boy. (Princess does too.)
19.   Once she painted her legs purple. Inexplicably.
20.   This picture will make her freak out:
21.   This picture will make her freak out in a different way:
Happy Birthday, Sister! Love you forever and everskies!

Monday, August 6, 2012

word problems

Mood: Vociferous
Nail Color: Deborah Lippmann A Whiter Shade of Pale
Day’s Inspiration: “...fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14

Princess is not a mathematician. In fact, it’s even embarrassing that Princess’ name would appear in the same sentence as the word “mathematician.” But, oops, it’s already happened. Twice. Nevertheless, Princess has found herself in the middle of many word problems lately, much to the chagrin of 13-year-old Princess, who frequently murmured snarky things like, “Like I’m ever going to use this information. Ewskies, what a waste.” The word problems are listed below for your left-brained pleasure, and to prove that 13-year-old Princess was dead wrong. (Good thing 25-year-old Princess is never wrong.) Print them off and you’ll have your very own Princess math worksheet, which is quite the rarity.
  1. Princess is attending a movie, and she gets thirsty during movies. She refuses to pay $6 for a large Diet Coke when they are a third of the price at Sonic. She plans to smuggle as many Route 44 drinks (that’s 44 ounces of bliss) into her purse, which will hold approximately 1.5 gallons of liquid. How many Route 44 Sonic drinks can Princess smuggle successfully?
  2. Princess needs to be at work at 7:15. Her new house is 20 minutes away from work, but Princess will need a full 30 minutes if she is planning to run by Starbucks. Her alarm goes off at 6 a.m. and 6:15 a.m., and she needs 25 minutes, barring any complications, to grab breakfast and reassemble herself in a way that won’t scare small children. This morning, Princess is excessively groggy. How many times can she hit the 7-minute snooze and still be on time for work, coffee in hand?
  3. Princess’ arms are 20 inches long, not including her hands, and she can lift about 25 pounds laterally before she feels like she’s about to die. (Princess heard you judge her, and she hates you.) She has seventeen bags of groceries in her car, each with a handle 1 inch wide and weighing about 3 pounds. Without using magical powers, how many bags can she bring inside at once without collapsing into a heap of glittery exhaustion?
  4. Princess needs to eat every four hours or she will yell at you, particularly if you are being judgmental about her lack of arm strength or if you breathe loudly or smell weird. She had a protein drink at 7 a.m., and snacked on a few almonds at 10:30. She has a meeting from 11 a.m. to 12 p.m. and from 1 to 3 p.m. When does she need to eat in order for all smelly folks to remain un-stabbed?
  5. Princess’ husband gives her a disparaging stare if she spends more than $30 at a clothing store. Princess reeeeeally loves this fab pair of pants that make her legs look 6 feet long. They are marked down 20% from the original price of $60. Additionally, Princess has a $10 off coupon, and can receive 15% off the markdown price with her teacher discount. When Princess achieves her dream to have legs that are 6 feet long (duh, she’s buying the pants), will Princess receive a reproachful stare or an approving one?
Each question is worth 20 points, and answers are due Wednesday. Bonus points if a Gelly Roll pen is used. #90sgirlproblems
On a side note, Princess would like to point out that though she has word problems, she does not have problems with words. She likes them and wishes them no ill will.