Monday, July 16, 2012

princess' guide to dealing with meanies

Mood:  Flippant
Nail Color: Sally Hansen Salon Effects Real Nail Polish Strips in Leopard
Day’s Inspiration: “Find out what pleases the Lord." Eph. 5:10

When Princess is insulted, it takes her approximately 3 hours to realize it. Perhaps her brain goes into shock like when people have their arms bitten off by sharks but can still feel them? (Is that even close to the same thing?) Or maybe she just assumes everyone is nice all the time and is consistently surprised when they’re not.

Once Princess was trying on a dress and the sales lady called her fat like 19 times in 19 different ways within ten minutes. Things like “everyone will be staring at your butt,” and “I guess it’ll fit if you only have water for a few months.” Princess loves telling this story because she gets to be really dramatic, and then people tell her she’s skinny. In the most climactic moment, she informs the audiences that the sales lady was a family friend, and everyone loves that part.

Once Princess was being fitted for her ballet costume and the costume lady said, “Looks like someone’s been eating too many burritos.” Princess thought it was funny, particularly because she had never had a burrito ever but it sounded like a hilarious food. However, when she laughed and told her ballet friends, they looked at her with horror and told the teacher. Then that lady got fired. Princess thought that was kind of funny too, and has since learned to love burritos, and she eats them with wild abandon.

Now don’t feel bad for Princess. She didn’t cry either time, and it never crossed her mind that she was actually fat. (And she wasn’t, but this same confidence backfired during freshman year of college when she packed on the lbs, and no one told her. Woof.) However, these incidences make Princess realize that while she is not fat, she is kind of dumb, and she must learn to handle herself in sneaky insulting situations with evil jellyfish (people who sting 57 times before you’ve even realized it).

Here’s the plan:
  1. Learn to recognize meanness. Words like “chunky,” “flubber,” and “whale” are clues. Be aware of less obvious meanness like “no offense, but…,” “I’m not trying to be mean, but…,” and “just sayin’.” Also be on the lookout for jellyfish who say ugly things and then try to get out of it by saying, “In my opinion, that’s what friends do—they tell each other the truth.” (Here’s looking at you, Maureen from Center Stage!) When jellyfish statement is said, move on to Step 2.
  2. Recognize that saying the right thing at the right time will not happen without preparation. To prepare, memorize several moderately clever one-liners that can be applied in mass situations and just pick one when trapped in a confusing jellyfish attack, otherwise you might end up peeing on yourself, and to be clear, that only works with the real jellyfish stings. The following one-liners should do the trick:
  • “I know you are but what am I.”
  • “The last person who said that to me woke up the next morning without eyebrows.”
  • “Love you, too, GIRLFRAAAAND.” (Thick, fake love thick ensures confusion. It’s the conversation equivalent of throwing up a fistful of glitter and sneaking away while the insulter is distracted.)
  • “Talk to the hand.”
  • “Oh really? Your mom is a whale.” (This only works when it is said to non-whales because otherwise the statement is factual instead of metaphorical.)
  • “Go away.”
  • “You’re stupid and you’re mean and you’re stupid.”
  • “Satan called and said to pick up a gallon of milk on your way home.”
  • “Tu es un singe mechant.” (Translation: You are an evil monkey—one of the few sentences Princess remembers from high school French.)
The other option is to be nice. Probably just ignore everything Princess said and be nice instead. (THAT RHYMES.)

Let Princess know if you have any success with her suggestions. Best of luck, loser. (That’s your cue to practice.)


  1. haha... it always takes me a while to realize someone is being mean too. Thanks for the tips!

  2. 2. could tell your husband, mother-in-law, mother, and good friends and we will go and take care of them for you!