Thursday, July 26, 2012

craftiness

Mood: Delirious
Nail Color: Shellac Turquoise
Day’s Inspiration: “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” Luke 18:27
Princess discovered a pair of Barbie's spectacles in Carl's belly.
You know, sometimes crafting can be a bit evil. The crafts seduce you, like, oooh, won’t this be so creative and cost efficient and impressive? It’s so…crafty.

Princess is overconfident (“No, I won’t buy that because I can MAKE IT, and I SHALL! Roar!”), hasty, and determined when it comes to crafting, which is a lethal combo. Husband has learned this the hard way, as has the couch with the purple paint pen stain from ornament making in 2009.

The crafty, googily-eyed lure of DIY drew Princess in multiple times this summer, and the hasty, overconfident determination thing reared its ugly, papier-mâché head in particularly frustrating ways twice in the past few weeks:

Daft Crafting Issue 1: The Cornhole Boards

Princess helped host a shower for the best friend ever. Her name is Brittany and she is funny and awesome. So obviously she deserves the best present ever. And obviously Princess can do this. So she builds the boards like a champ and makes several off-color jokes using the word “cornhole.” (Confidence!) She paints like a champ. She pulls up the tape with wide-eyed excitement. She sees that the tape did not work, and the paint leaked out everywhere. (Curses!) She retapes with paint-block tape and paints again. It is 100 billion degrees. (Curses!) It works, ish. She fixes the issues and moves on with her life.

Then she orders bean bags. They don’t have the kind that match, but Princess says, I can fix that—after all, I built the board! I am awesome! (Confidence!) She buys fabric spray paint and tapes off the bag with paint-block tape to create a cool stripe. The paint spits out of the can pitifully and the paint block decides not to work. (Curses!)

She buys more cans of the paint, and eventually realizes it will never work. (Curses continue to soar. Her family learns to stop asking about the bean bags. It is VERBOTEN like Nazi talk in Germany.) Husband says, “Why don’t you just stop?” Princess screams, “VERBOTEN!” and instead buys fabric dye in a last ditch effort. She is told this will be fine because the beans are plastic and it will not affect them. Princess makes a cauldron of hot turquoise dye, and if you are her friend, you’ll know the song she sang as she stood stirring the piping cauldron for 45 minutes. (Prizes for besties who know the right answer.)

She loves it. It works!! They are the right color! She puts the beans bags out to dry. (Confidence!) A week later, it’s clear that they are a little too fluffy. Perhaps they need to dry more? No, Husband suggests that maybe the dye DID affect the beans, and perhaps she should have left them alone as previously advised. “SHUT UP HUSBAND! VERBOTEN!” Princess shouts with fervor and a German accent. (And thank goodness because she really needs to retire the Irish one.) Sheesh. Nevertheless, Princess gives the gift to Bestie Brittany and a wonderful shower is had. That said, if Bestie Brittany needs new bean bags, she now knows why. And she also knows that Princess loves her. The end.

Daft Crafting Issue 2: The Dresser
Oh, you don’t turn into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle when you paint furniture? Fruit flies don’t suicide bomb into your fresh paint and make it lumpy? House flies don’t fossilize inside of your paint can, forcing you to painstakingly remove their little rigamortis fly bodies out with a stick? You don’t spaz regularly and fling your paint brush into the air and watch it turn everything green? Well then you clearly don’t have any fun. Or lumpy furniture.

If you saw Princess’ PowerPoint (if you haven’t, forget she mentioned it as it is embarrassing, but then, why are you reading this blog if you aren’t interested in watching someone embarrass themselves?), you know that she’s bringing some green into her bedroom in her new house WHICH SHE FINALLY MOVED INTO THIS WEEK AND HAS BEEN DANCING AROUND WITH JOY EVER SINCE WHILST SINGING "ON THE CONCRETE!" A.K.A. THE ONLY LINE OF KATY PERRY'S SONG "WIDE AWAKE" THAT SHE CAN SEEM TO REMEMBER. Jiggity jig, heehaw heehaw.
She decided to paint a dresser, we'll call him Carl, in Kiwi Splash because it’s the only green that in the same family as her fabric. (Why is green so hard to match?) She followed these directions, sort of, because she had used them before, and the result was amazing. (Confidence!) Carl looked totally awesome, and all was well until coat #2 of the green. Then the bugs started diving kamikaze style.


Carl was not loving it. It was nearly 1 a.m. in a dimly lit garage (as is the setting in all horror stories), and Princess was a little tired and woozy from the paint fumes, so the kamikaze fruit flies proved to be a fierce enemy unfazed by serious reprimands and stomping. Oh no, Carl! (Curses!) Princess and Sister (who was helping because she’s nice) felt stunned because Carl was one step away from being a freakish fly burial ground, inexplicably. Princess and Sister felt too confused to address the situation and realized they would rather watch Law and Order anyway, so they pushed through and finished the coat, and Princess reassessed the situation the next morning. Somehow all was well. (Where did the flies slither off to? Carl is a magician.) Later that day when she visited her new  house, she noticed a spider had been painted into a window pane. She actually enjoyed this because she felt less alone in her struggles.
After the fruit fly invasion of 2012, Princess distressed and antiqued the dresser, and she likes it. What do you think? Princess thinks it really brighten up the wooden box also known as the master bedroom, but that picture is not ready yet because the hizzy is a dizzy mess.



So there. In a nutshell, Princess really likes to craft, but that moment of mutiny sometimes makes her feel sweaty and stressed and wondering if it’s even worth the trouble, although she usually changes her mind. Does anyone feel her pain? Princess needs to know that there are other spazzy hot messes out there! Have they been sucked into the Bermuda triangle with the terrifying lady pilot Princess will not discuss? Princess would like more messy people to have blogs. The orderly ones are taking up too much space.

4 comments:

  1. Might I recommend All-State Pest Control? You are hysterical!!! LOVE your blog!!!

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  2. The song you were singing over the boiling pot is......What is this chanting? I don't even know what I am feeling? I don't even knowwww what trick I ought to try? Fyero where are you? Already dead or bleeding?....Close?!

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  3. Truth and Grace-
    THANK YOU! The Princess is deeply appreciative!

    Molly-
    YES! You are a true bestie. Was it the time Princess covered herself in green icing to develop Elphaba skin or the time you and Princess dyed your hair witchy black that tipped you off?

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  4. You CRACK ME UP!!! I say this only because I can relate 100% but I never seemed to capture the chaos that is crafting, in good word form. You my dear, hit it right on the nail!!
    Also I LOVED your post about meanies!!! I laughed til I nearly wet myself! Again because I can totally relate!

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