Thursday, July 26, 2012

craftiness

Mood: Delirious
Nail Color: Shellac Turquoise
Day’s Inspiration: “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” Luke 18:27
Princess discovered a pair of Barbie's spectacles in Carl's belly.
You know, sometimes crafting can be a bit evil. The crafts seduce you, like, oooh, won’t this be so creative and cost efficient and impressive? It’s so…crafty.

Princess is overconfident (“No, I won’t buy that because I can MAKE IT, and I SHALL! Roar!”), hasty, and determined when it comes to crafting, which is a lethal combo. Husband has learned this the hard way, as has the couch with the purple paint pen stain from ornament making in 2009.

The crafty, googily-eyed lure of DIY drew Princess in multiple times this summer, and the hasty, overconfident determination thing reared its ugly, papier-mâché head in particularly frustrating ways twice in the past few weeks:

Daft Crafting Issue 1: The Cornhole Boards

Princess helped host a shower for the best friend ever. Her name is Brittany and she is funny and awesome. So obviously she deserves the best present ever. And obviously Princess can do this. So she builds the boards like a champ and makes several off-color jokes using the word “cornhole.” (Confidence!) She paints like a champ. She pulls up the tape with wide-eyed excitement. She sees that the tape did not work, and the paint leaked out everywhere. (Curses!) She retapes with paint-block tape and paints again. It is 100 billion degrees. (Curses!) It works, ish. She fixes the issues and moves on with her life.

Then she orders bean bags. They don’t have the kind that match, but Princess says, I can fix that—after all, I built the board! I am awesome! (Confidence!) She buys fabric spray paint and tapes off the bag with paint-block tape to create a cool stripe. The paint spits out of the can pitifully and the paint block decides not to work. (Curses!)

She buys more cans of the paint, and eventually realizes it will never work. (Curses continue to soar. Her family learns to stop asking about the bean bags. It is VERBOTEN like Nazi talk in Germany.) Husband says, “Why don’t you just stop?” Princess screams, “VERBOTEN!” and instead buys fabric dye in a last ditch effort. She is told this will be fine because the beans are plastic and it will not affect them. Princess makes a cauldron of hot turquoise dye, and if you are her friend, you’ll know the song she sang as she stood stirring the piping cauldron for 45 minutes. (Prizes for besties who know the right answer.)

She loves it. It works!! They are the right color! She puts the beans bags out to dry. (Confidence!) A week later, it’s clear that they are a little too fluffy. Perhaps they need to dry more? No, Husband suggests that maybe the dye DID affect the beans, and perhaps she should have left them alone as previously advised. “SHUT UP HUSBAND! VERBOTEN!” Princess shouts with fervor and a German accent. (And thank goodness because she really needs to retire the Irish one.) Sheesh. Nevertheless, Princess gives the gift to Bestie Brittany and a wonderful shower is had. That said, if Bestie Brittany needs new bean bags, she now knows why. And she also knows that Princess loves her. The end.

Daft Crafting Issue 2: The Dresser
Oh, you don’t turn into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle when you paint furniture? Fruit flies don’t suicide bomb into your fresh paint and make it lumpy? House flies don’t fossilize inside of your paint can, forcing you to painstakingly remove their little rigamortis fly bodies out with a stick? You don’t spaz regularly and fling your paint brush into the air and watch it turn everything green? Well then you clearly don’t have any fun. Or lumpy furniture.

If you saw Princess’ PowerPoint (if you haven’t, forget she mentioned it as it is embarrassing, but then, why are you reading this blog if you aren’t interested in watching someone embarrass themselves?), you know that she’s bringing some green into her bedroom in her new house WHICH SHE FINALLY MOVED INTO THIS WEEK AND HAS BEEN DANCING AROUND WITH JOY EVER SINCE WHILST SINGING "ON THE CONCRETE!" A.K.A. THE ONLY LINE OF KATY PERRY'S SONG "WIDE AWAKE" THAT SHE CAN SEEM TO REMEMBER. Jiggity jig, heehaw heehaw.
She decided to paint a dresser, we'll call him Carl, in Kiwi Splash because it’s the only green that in the same family as her fabric. (Why is green so hard to match?) She followed these directions, sort of, because she had used them before, and the result was amazing. (Confidence!) Carl looked totally awesome, and all was well until coat #2 of the green. Then the bugs started diving kamikaze style.


Carl was not loving it. It was nearly 1 a.m. in a dimly lit garage (as is the setting in all horror stories), and Princess was a little tired and woozy from the paint fumes, so the kamikaze fruit flies proved to be a fierce enemy unfazed by serious reprimands and stomping. Oh no, Carl! (Curses!) Princess and Sister (who was helping because she’s nice) felt stunned because Carl was one step away from being a freakish fly burial ground, inexplicably. Princess and Sister felt too confused to address the situation and realized they would rather watch Law and Order anyway, so they pushed through and finished the coat, and Princess reassessed the situation the next morning. Somehow all was well. (Where did the flies slither off to? Carl is a magician.) Later that day when she visited her new  house, she noticed a spider had been painted into a window pane. She actually enjoyed this because she felt less alone in her struggles.
After the fruit fly invasion of 2012, Princess distressed and antiqued the dresser, and she likes it. What do you think? Princess thinks it really brighten up the wooden box also known as the master bedroom, but that picture is not ready yet because the hizzy is a dizzy mess.



So there. In a nutshell, Princess really likes to craft, but that moment of mutiny sometimes makes her feel sweaty and stressed and wondering if it’s even worth the trouble, although she usually changes her mind. Does anyone feel her pain? Princess needs to know that there are other spazzy hot messes out there! Have they been sucked into the Bermuda triangle with the terrifying lady pilot Princess will not discuss? Princess would like more messy people to have blogs. The orderly ones are taking up too much space.

Monday, July 16, 2012

princess' guide to dealing with meanies

Mood:  Flippant
Nail Color: Sally Hansen Salon Effects Real Nail Polish Strips in Leopard
Day’s Inspiration: “Find out what pleases the Lord." Eph. 5:10

When Princess is insulted, it takes her approximately 3 hours to realize it. Perhaps her brain goes into shock like when people have their arms bitten off by sharks but can still feel them? (Is that even close to the same thing?) Or maybe she just assumes everyone is nice all the time and is consistently surprised when they’re not.

Once Princess was trying on a dress and the sales lady called her fat like 19 times in 19 different ways within ten minutes. Things like “everyone will be staring at your butt,” and “I guess it’ll fit if you only have water for a few months.” Princess loves telling this story because she gets to be really dramatic, and then people tell her she’s skinny. In the most climactic moment, she informs the audiences that the sales lady was a family friend, and everyone loves that part.

Once Princess was being fitted for her ballet costume and the costume lady said, “Looks like someone’s been eating too many burritos.” Princess thought it was funny, particularly because she had never had a burrito ever but it sounded like a hilarious food. However, when she laughed and told her ballet friends, they looked at her with horror and told the teacher. Then that lady got fired. Princess thought that was kind of funny too, and has since learned to love burritos, and she eats them with wild abandon.

Now don’t feel bad for Princess. She didn’t cry either time, and it never crossed her mind that she was actually fat. (And she wasn’t, but this same confidence backfired during freshman year of college when she packed on the lbs, and no one told her. Woof.) However, these incidences make Princess realize that while she is not fat, she is kind of dumb, and she must learn to handle herself in sneaky insulting situations with evil jellyfish (people who sting 57 times before you’ve even realized it).

Here’s the plan:
  1. Learn to recognize meanness. Words like “chunky,” “flubber,” and “whale” are clues. Be aware of less obvious meanness like “no offense, but…,” “I’m not trying to be mean, but…,” and “just sayin’.” Also be on the lookout for jellyfish who say ugly things and then try to get out of it by saying, “In my opinion, that’s what friends do—they tell each other the truth.” (Here’s looking at you, Maureen from Center Stage!) When jellyfish statement is said, move on to Step 2.
  2. Recognize that saying the right thing at the right time will not happen without preparation. To prepare, memorize several moderately clever one-liners that can be applied in mass situations and just pick one when trapped in a confusing jellyfish attack, otherwise you might end up peeing on yourself, and to be clear, that only works with the real jellyfish stings. The following one-liners should do the trick:
  • “I know you are but what am I.”
  • “The last person who said that to me woke up the next morning without eyebrows.”
  • “Love you, too, GIRLFRAAAAND.” (Thick, fake love thick ensures confusion. It’s the conversation equivalent of throwing up a fistful of glitter and sneaking away while the insulter is distracted.)
  • “Talk to the hand.”
  • “Oh really? Your mom is a whale.” (This only works when it is said to non-whales because otherwise the statement is factual instead of metaphorical.)
  • “Go away.”
  • “You’re stupid and you’re mean and you’re stupid.”
  • “Satan called and said to pick up a gallon of milk on your way home.”
  • “Tu es un singe mechant.” (Translation: You are an evil monkey—one of the few sentences Princess remembers from high school French.)
The other option is to be nice. Probably just ignore everything Princess said and be nice instead. (THAT RHYMES.)

Let Princess know if you have any success with her suggestions. Best of luck, loser. (That’s your cue to practice.)











Thursday, July 5, 2012

princess the patriot

Mood: Grateful
Nail Color: Too many to mention...
Day’s Inspiration: “Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord." Ps. 33:12

When Princess was little, she changed all the words to “Proud to be an American” to “Proud Not to be a Vegetarian.” It was a classy moment for sure, and she still has a hard time singing the actual lyrics. (“And I proudly thank the pigs who died to give that meat to me” is very catchy.) Does this make her unpatriotic? Princess fears it may. To prove that she IS proud to be an American, she did many things:

-She wore red, white, and blue, and bows.

-She made jokes about the second amendment. ("The dresscode is in violation of my second amendment rights. I have the right to bare arms!")

-She painted her nails like watermelons. (Do we have a national fruit? That should be the national fruit.)


-Out of fear that the red bows on her shoes weren't enough, she wore red lipstick, a daring, revolutionary move, as she was wearing a white shirt. (The shirt survived!)

-She sang “Fifty Nifty United States” and marched around.

-She ate lots of very American things with other people that were American.

-She watched Wife Swap and the hotdog eating contest.

-She learned obscure Presidential facts thanks to this article.

-She read more of Michael Shaara's Pulitzer Prize winning book The Killer Angels about the Civil War. This is even more American than you think because she bought the book in D.C. at Ford's Theatre, where Lincoln was shot. (Pulitzer Prize, Civil War, Ford's Theatre = Triple Threat! Go America!) The book is really good, and not just because it explained to Princess why she loves her hubs so much:


-She listened to her cute granddaddy talk about tomato inflation and his friend from the Navy, Delaney, who may have been shot down with George Bush, Sr. in 1944. Then she took a picture of Granddaddy holding watermelon and rocking his American flag cane (which she purchased for him because SHE LOVES AMERICA). Princess is really proud of him because he remembers the names of all of his teachers, only buys American-made goods, emails precious stories that she treasures, and has always acted in the best interest of his family, even when it was difficult to do so.

Don't we live in a wonderful place? Princess has made it a goal to be as thankful on the fifth as she was on the fourth. Happy Fifth!