Thursday, April 26, 2012

photogenetically challenged

Mood: Snarky
Nail Color: OPI Lucky Lucky Lavendar
Day’s Inspiration: “You are the God who sees me." Genesis 16:13

When did everyone get artsy and fabulously photogenic? No really, when? Because Princess MISSED THE MEMO. She is still smiling like a troll, and she doesn’t know what to do with her hands. Everyone else has poses like Beyonce and Lea Michele, and somehow has amazingly artistic, professional pics on their Facebook profiles. I mean, THE BAR IS TOO HIGH. Princess cannot reach the bar anymore than she can reach the #@&% light in the pantry, and frankly, it’s making her furrow her eyebrows more than usual, and now they are tired. Tired eyebrows are the pits, people, the pits. #firstworldprobs

Two weeks ago, Princess sang in a friend’s wedding, and during all the wedding hubbub, Princess looked over her pictures and realized all of her friends had perfect makeup and poses, and Princess was just standing there like, “Yay! The institution let me out for good behavior! Is my eye twitching?” (It was. Ewskies.) She immediately bought some foundation, but honestly, she hasn’t touched it since. Because, ugh, the effort of smearing the makeup on her face is more than Princess can handle at whatever a.m. She is a helpless troll with theoretical arms too short to reach her face. But really, she has always liked trolls (the creepo, bug-eyed dolls, not the internet terrorists) for some inexplicable reason. Princess and trolls are kindred spirits.

A List of Things Trolls and Princess Have in Common:
1.     Tall, untamed hair (previously referenced here)
2.     Look stupid in a picture (Like... go look at the picture again.)
3.     A sparkling personality (yet totally humble about it)
4.     Square feet better suited for the shoe box than the shoe itself
5.     Various magical powers
6.     Crazed smile
7.     An affinity for bright colors, not crossing bridges, and jazz hands
8.     General trollishness
9.     An awesome website full of hours of fun
10.   A bejeweled belly that can be rubbed for good luck.
      (Eh, that one is not 100% true or even 10% true, but Princess likes lists of 10. Seriously, do not rub her belly, no matter what Tosh.O tells you. Also don’t say belly. EVER. Please disregard the three times Princess said it. Reread #10 and replace that word with rufus, which is hencefore the name for belly rufus.)

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

pink

Mood: Unruffled
Nail Color: Revlon Electric Pink
Day’s Inspiration: “From the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” Matt. 12:34

So, good news, friends. Princess DID in fact make a skirt for Easter although admittedly, it was not at all the skirt she originally envisioned. It began when she spotted some bright pink fabric on sale and everyone's wonderful opinions flew out of her brain like a...bird. (Meh, Princess is not on her simile game today.) She bought the fabric on a whim and unwittingly became obsessed with it.

Unfortunately for the past few weeks she has been battling an addiction to this particular shade of pink, as is evidenced by the collage below.

Upon further investigation of Princess’ purse and recent Facebook activity, it appears that she’s had a fixation on pink in general. As a person who has always tried to NOT be the “girl that likes pink” (you know that girl), she most assuredly is in fact, the girl that likes pink, as evidenced by the collage below. Perhaps her blog persona is spilling out into her normal life? This is a dark day.

For whatever reason, Princess fixates on a color so much that it seems to take over her life for a bit of time. There was the yellow infestation of 2007 and 2010 (it came back), and the navy infestation of 2008 and 2011 (it came back, too). Stripes has proven to be a permanent stumbling block, and apparently 2012 is the year of pink.
Anyway, Princess was admiring the pink fabric when a haughty voice in her head cackled, “Pencil skirt? Ew, how average.” The voice sounded just like Regina George voice and freaked her out, so Princess sheepishly decided on another route. She was inspired by DIY maxi skirt tutorials she’d seen on Pinterest, particularly this one. Because she wanted more structure, she still used the pattern she had bought (NewLook 6103), but added about 14 inches of fabric at the bottom.
The process was surprisingly painless, and the result was a happy Princess. She’s worn the skirt twice so far, once with a white tee and once with a lace tank.
Princess has no basic knowledge about how to pose in a picture, so she always look dumb.
She's working on it. Don't judge her.
Not too inspired, she knows, but Princess is not naturally bold and has to ease into outfits like cold pool. She is happy about necklace she wore with it, though, which was the resulting project when a fruitless shopping trip gave Princess violent thoughts of “GRRRR I’ll just make it then! EVERYONE IS STUPID!” Hobby Lobby saves the day again. Here’s what she used:

The necklace is just 10 topaz crystals with 10 rose crystals on each side, with a gold crimper thing between each color to make them stay. The whole thing took about ten minutes, and since everything was half price at Hobby Lobby, it only cost about $8, and there are plenty of supplies left over. The plan is to make a few more and layer them.
In other news, Princess won the family annual after-dark Easter Egg Hunt and she was EXCITED!!!! Meanwhile everyone else was JEALOUS!!!! So Princess became more EXCITED!!!! Best day ever.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

school

The warning on the back of Princess' classroom door...
If Princess had a dollar for every strange thing she heard her students say, she would have many dollars. Here's a random collection of fifteen, for now:
  1. That Diet Coke is gonna make your babies come out weird.
  2. You look like a hipster lumberjack today!
  3. Don't worry, she says everyone looks like a lumberjack.
  4. Bailey said you're pregnant because you were in a bad mood yesterday.
  5. You have the calves of a champion.
  6. Remember when I ate that pickle in your room? You went CRAAAAZZAAY.
  7. When are you gonna give your brother my number?
  8. Hey STACEY!/Time to go to STACEY'S class./Oh look, it's STACEY. (One month half of Princess' students inexplicably called her Stacey. That situation is still under investigation. UrbanDictionary.com did not provide any assistance, but Princess still has at least one solid theory. Any insight is appreciated.)
  9. How come you are happy on Mondays and mad on Fridays?
  10. Uh-oh, are you in a Friday mood?
  11. I saw you running yesterday. You looked tired.
  12. You don't even need to tell someone when they're acting stupid because your face tells them.
  13. You smell like bubble gum.
  14. Can I call you Sparkle Face?
  15. Hey, Sparkle Face!

If Princess had a dollar for every strange thing she has said to her students, she would have many dollars. Here's a random collection of fifteen, for now:
  1. I'm sorry I put a Post-It on your face.
  2. You're thirteen, thus my sister is not interested.
  3. ARE YOU EATING A PICKLE IN MY CLASSROOM?!?!
  4. My shoes are not cougar shoes, they are cheetah shoes. Let's make sure we don't mix up those animals, okay?
  5. You didn't get the demerits because I'm in a bad mood. You got the demerits because you threw a chicken nugget across the room and got honey mustard on someone's shirt.
  6. Will it make you feel better to wear the cupcake headband?
  7. Subordinate clauses are like Sister Wives.
  8. The Capybara retweeted me!
  9. "Doodoo drawers" is alliteration.
  10. I can hear the ocean in my koozie.
  11. Don't tell anyone I fell down.
  12. Group work teaches us to hate people.
  13. DO NOT EAT VIENNA SAUSAGES IN MY CLASSROOM!!!
  14. If you scream, "I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE" in the theater before Hunger Games and get it on video, I'll waive the late points.
  15. No, you may not call me Sparkle Face.