Monday, January 30, 2012

bonjour, we like to sing

Princess and her siblings have made every effort to start a family band, and frankly, it is not working. As the trio discovered some years ago, tennis rackets are not the same as guitars, just as dining room chairs are not the same as drums, and a hairbrush is not a microphone. Now Brother can play approximately 1.5 Coldplay songs on the piano, Princess has written precisely one song entitled “Oh Vanilla Eat Some Bacon” (more about that here), and Sister has not established any sort of instrumental talent whatsoever. The progress is less than ideal. Nevertheless, they will not be discouraged! They will SING instead!

Two years ago, they auditioned for Glee! It seemed natural that Glee would want to highlight this mildly talented sibling set, so off they went. While Princess and Sister felt it was an extremely funny way to spend a Saturday, they also accidentally took it seriously, and even printed off pixilated headshots, that were, eh, beautiful (hyperbole). Soon the excessive pitch-piping and musical snobbery the sisters overheard from fellow auditioners made them dizzy and hungry, so they called Brother over and over until he answered, and he arrived eventually with Chick-fil-A. BOOM, they were happy again, but it was nearly ruined when Princess made an effort to bond with a fellow auditioner, saying, “Ew, I probs should not be eating this Chick-fil-A right before I sing, ya know?” To which the auditioner, who was much, much more musical than Princess, replied, “Oh I always eat Chick-fil-A before I sing because it coats the throat.” And Princess made a smushy face and asked, “With what?” (Peanut oil? Grease? Pickle remains? Is this not a valid question?) End of bonding. Princess went back to her sister, who always, always has the same opinion as her, which is awesome and validating.

Soon Princess and Sister convinced Brother to audition because wouldn’t it be HILARIOUS, and wouldn’t that cute girl over there think he was so funny and original for not taking it seriously? Brother, who loves attention more than Santa likes cookies, was on board. Princess decided that Brother would sing “Let’s Get Down to Business” from Mulan, which was obviously a fantastic choice.

Princess and Sister auditioned, and they did okay, but it was clear that they are waaaaay better in the car when they don’t have headshots and pitch pipes giving them the hives. Then Brother was up, and OOPS he did a good job. Like Princess and Sister want to be mad, because HELLO he just got here, what a newby, and he has never sung a song in his whole life. But they can’t be mad because it’s awesome and funny. Sister filmed it, and Princess is working on getting it so the whole Internets can see his impromptu brilliance.

The results: NONE of the siblings get callbacks and they are not bitter because they are mediocre, and they accept it. The cute girl Brother wanted to impress totally made it, and Princess and Sister had to accept that she is better than them. Boo.

Soon, maybe: Videos of Princess looking stupid and Sister looking stupid, to even the playing field for Brother.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Ode to the Uggs

Dearest boots, lined with fuzz,
You are the greatest there ever was.
For eight years you have cuddled my toes;
Without you, they probably would've froze.
Ripping down the side on the way to ski,
You were forced to endure sloppy surgery.
Smothering you with sticky mallows, s'mores had us beat--
Especially when I made the mistake of sitting on my feet.
Even with mallow on my bum and tacky thread on your side,
I have to admit, life with you is a snuggily ride.
These past two weeks have filled me with glee,
Wearing giant sweatshirts and you on my feet.
But now I have to go back to work,
And wear pencil skirts instead of tshirts.
I will think of you longingly when my fancy heels start to ouch.
Furry friend, you've shown me it's whats on the inside that counts.