Wednesday, November 28, 2012

dog days


Hello, it’s us again! The dogs! Our mom Princess was like, “Waaah I am tres uninspired and have nothing to blog about,” and we said, “Step aside, we got this.”

Anywayzzz we have been hilarious per usual. Princess has been trying to teach us to run up the stairs, and we are getting kind of better, but we are still so floppy that we fall down a lot. Sometimes Ebenezer gets stuck in the middle and has to be rescued. Also when we are upset we like to go “tweet tweet” instead of “ruff ruff” and it’s pretty cute, plus it will probably confuse Princess’ future human children when she’s trying to teach them animal noises. Kewl!

We also have been veeeery awesome and resourceful. See, that girl Princess had this vacuum that was totes scary. It was green and LOUD and she named it Mike Wazowski which is really dumb. We were like, sooo sick of Mike Wazowski, so we got extra dirty like 17 times (DIGGING FOR MOLES!!!), and mudded up every square inch we could. Then the floor required such a frequent cleaning that eventually Mike Wazowski was like, “Nope. I’m out.” Heehaw, best idea ever. (See? Sometimes we make different animal noises to being confusing/adorbs.) Look, we got so dirty that it looks like we lost 13 pounds! Best diet evs. Plus we got mud on the walls! Kewl!



Our dad is like SO MEAN and yells at us whenever we do something really cool like pee inside where it’s warm. He’s like “STOP DIGGING” and “GO OUTSIDE” and “DON’T EAT THAT SHOE,” and Uzi is like “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME” and Ebenezer is like “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!” He also bought us a camo dog bed, and we heard Princess tell him that it was ugly and uncool, and HELLO WE WANT TO BE COOL, so we gobbled it up. Then Princess gave us a high five, and we were like, “YEAH girl!!”

Here is us with our dad. We love him lots, so we may not gobble up his camo crocks like Mom asked. But we make no guarantees because we are dogs and dogs don't know how to do that.



Anywayz, come visit us if you want. We promise to be extra fluffy and we will probs try to bite your fingers, but we are working on not doing that anymore. LYLAS!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

self awareness

Do you ever have those days when you feel like you are suuuuper pretty and your outfit is sizzle sizzle, and then you walk by a mirror and you’re like, “It seems I was mistaken”? Princess has had a week of those days, but it’s not so much about her exterior as her interior. (Just so you know, this is not going to be about “inner beauty” because Princess finds those talks boooooooring.)

Princess is having a personality crisis. It began when she wrote her blog post about recent embarrassing moments. This was a startling one for Princess because the post officially contains no exaggeration. When she started writing this idiot blog, she intended for it to be an outlet/exaggeration of her life because being over-the-top makes Princess heehaw. But THEN it’s like Princess BECAME the exaggeration, and now she’s like “WHAAAT IS HAPPENINGGGG (in Kristen Wiig voice)!?!?”

She was talking to her notoriously ridiculous siblings—Wittiest, Class of 09 (a.k.a. weird) and Most Likely to be Remembered, Class of 07 (a.k.a. weirder)—and they were like “Now you’re the weirdest.” And Princess (also known as Classiest, Class of 04) was like “WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN I’M SUPPOSED TO BE CLASSY,” and they said, “No.”

So Princess took a long, hard look in the mirror.

Then she went to the Justin Bieber concert. (Noooo that IS NOT a homemade Biebs t-shirt with glitter and puff paint and a purple fabric heart. You must be confused.)
And became besties with twin Franks.

And bought a ceramic hand.

And realized she puts paper clips in her hair in the middle of tough grading days AND that she can hardly ever get them out.

And now she keeps hearing from people that reminds them of this girl:


Princess tried to deny it, but in truth this ridiculousness is remniscent of several videos that Princess' evil sister is currently holding hostage and plotting to release when Princess' embarrassment will be at its peak.

RIP, Classy Caroline. RIP.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

alphabet 2.0

 Princess disagrees with the alphabet. Isn’t that arrogant? She can’t help it. Her instincts have always told her that the letters should be in a different order, and she can’t shake the feeling. This discrepancy rears its ugly head every nine weeks when her students turn in their signed interims, and Princess has to alphabetize them. She suddenly becomes very snarky and haughtily grumbles things like, “How absurd that S comes after R,” and “V, get behind W where you belong!”
 
Princess would like to submit her upgraded version of the alphabet, Alphabet 2.0, in which all the letters are in their probably God-ordained place:
 
ABCDEFGHLIJKMNOPSTRUWVYZ
 
Please note:
  • L obviously deserves a higher position in the alphabet. Alphabet 2.0 corrects this injustice.
  • For too long R has been creeping up before S and T, and frankly, it’s disgusting. No one likes that sneaky ninja that skips ahead in line at Wal-Mart, and we certainly don't like it in the alphabet. Alphabet 2.0 ensures that S and T reclaim their rightful place: S T R. How nice!
  • W looks like a double V in practically every font, so let’s call it what it is, shall we? Also, isn’t W (double V) then V a much more practical placement?
  • Q has been removed completely. Q is much too dependent on U, and that kind of neediness is unattractive. Have you ever tried playing Scrabble with a Q hanging around? So annoying. She's all "Awwww I can't play without U," and you're like, "Shut up and be your own person."
  • X has also been removed because it reminds Princess of difficult math problems and annoying marketing words like “X-treme.” Also Princess is tired of fellow Christians getting grouchy when lazy people use the term “X-mas,” and she also kind of tired of other fellow Christians getting fired up and shouting that X stands for Jehovah and therefore “X-mas” does not “take Christ out of Christmas” and blah blah. Let’s all just eat a candy cane and take Paul’s advice and not argue about words (2 Timothy 2:14). (Paul didn’t say anything about letters so Alphabet 2.0 is still biblically sound, as long as you are not a legalist, which of course you aren't because no one, including Princess, ever likes to admit it since being a legalist is really gross.)
Other thoughts:
  • Princess considered nixing K because she breaks out in hives every time she sees signs that say “Klassy Kids” or “Kids Kamp,” but she really likes the CK pairing, as redundant as it may be. Duck, click, and sticky are just awesome words that wouldn’t be the same without K.
  • Z should probably be removed, but it makes a valuable contribution to fun words (zany, zebra, zipper, baked ziti, buzz, etc.), so Princess is leaving it in. If you’re looking for a good time, Z is your letter.
Have a dazzling day, you zesty zombies, and rest easy, knowing that at long last, all is well with the world (except of course for the debacle that is north, south, east, and west, but Princess will have to nap before she resolves that nasty issue).

Monday, October 15, 2012

dummy


YOU GUYS.

Today Princess thought she was returning an email from her husband, and she began with the phrase “Noooooo dummy” because the email made no sense. As it turns out, the original email WAS NOT FROM HUSBAND, but instead from a complete stranger that Princess had emailed earlier that day to schedule an event. (This made the email make perfect sense.) YES. Okay, so this event opened the floodgates of embarrassing moments that Princess has been holding back, and like, she is freaking out at her CONSISTENT NEED TO BE AN IDIOT.


Here's how the very nice man responded, by the way:
 

Woof. Princess felt really guilty and ate stuff.
 
There was another incident when Princess was working at a publication, and a PR Rep emailed her about some kind of band that was supposed to prevent bra back fat. Princess thought it was hilarious, and forwarded it to a coworker, a friend who found humor in such things, and added the very articulate sentence “u need this.” Unfortunately, Princess DID NOT hit forward, but rather hit “reply,” and, well, she smashed her head into the wall repeatedly and then wrote a spastic apology that she truly, truly meant.

Another time, just as Princess was saying the sentence, “Mimes are so weird and gross,” a mime pulled up her dress in front of EVERYONE. EVERY. ONE. A. MIME, YES, MIME. MIME!!!!

On Princess’ birthday this year, she was really tired from excessive nesting, so when people would tell her Happy Birthday, she would say it back like “Oh, yes, Happy Birthday to you, too!” Then people would stare, and Princess would just keep smiling like, “Let me figure out what just happened.”

Or what about when Princess’ likeness appeared in the profile picture of a running group’s Facebook page, and she looked like this:

Yes, the smiling idiot is Princess. She's the worst.

Or what about this past weekend when Princess started texting her best friend’s new mother-in-law, and then stopped to say something to someone else, and then looked down at her phone, and realized she’d hit the “talk to text” button and that it COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD her and typed up the following:
 

I MEAN IS THIS REAL LIFE??? Luckily Princess caught it in time and deleted it, but she still compulsively told her bestie’s mother-in-law all about it because she has this problem where she TALKS TOO MUCH (don’t act like you haven’t noticed), and that might have been weird, but Princess isn’t sure. And then she blogged about it? Like, why?

The thing is, even though Princess is currently embarrassing herself via this blog post, she can’t even tell you the most idiotic things she’s done because they’re SO EMBARASSING that she doesn’t even know how to laugh about them yet. Instead she just does exercises like this to shake all the stupid out:
 
video

IS PRINCESS THE LONE IDIOT ON THIS PLANET? ARE THERE MORE PEOPLE OUT THERE LIKE HER??? If so, let’s get lunch or start a support group with lots of chips.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

snapshots

Photographic Highlights of Princess’ Week:


Painting her front door yellow while watching Downton Abbey

 
Comparing her puppies to Snuggles
 
 
Running like a loon while being bespeckled with paint and wearing a tutu
 
 
 
Watching her beautiful bestie Brittany tie the knot
 
 
Cheering for her friend Keaton from afar while she demonstrated her superiority to the rest of the human race by running the Chicago marathon

Spending two hours this afternoon alternating between cleaning up soupy dog poop and throwing up because it was super disgusting. Here are the mug shots of the guilty parties, after their very splashy bath:

So the last one wasn’t exactly a highlight. It made Princess contemplate running away to the circus, but then she realized circus people probably smell worse and are not as fun to cuddle with.

The end.

Monday, October 8, 2012

here I raise my ebenezer

Uzi and Ebenezer have been very busy as of late. Just yesterday they spent hours licking a slug, who was terrified, and today they argued over a pine cone. Pine cones are a hot commodity in dog world, and Princess has learned that whoever has the pine cone is King of the Yard.

Since Uzi is usually King of the Yard, Ebenezer has spent his free time working on his modeling portfolio with Princess. Here's what they have so far:

 
 
 
 
 
 

Unfortunately, Princess believes that although Ebenezer has the look, he does not have the drive to do what it takes to be a successful dog model. If there's one thing Princess learned from Tyra Banks and America's Next Top Model, it's that modeling is HARD because sometimes you have to be still even if you don't want to. Get it together, Ebenezer. Get it together.

Monday, October 1, 2012

puppies


Hello. We are puppies. Go ahead and nudge your neighbor and talk about how cute we are. We are getting used to it. These two weird people picked us up last week and then forced us to sleep in a laundry basket in a car for seven hours. They kept saying annoying things like, “Ooooh puppy wuppie we wuv yew!” and “Heeey, fluffers let’s cuddle forevsies!” One of these people is a girl and we reeeeeeally like to bite her hair. Her toes are fairly tasty as well. Sometimes she sings songs about our names and dances for us while we try to sink our teeth into those wiggly pig-like toes. It’s pretty fun. The other person is a boy and he does strange things like bark at us and say, “I’M THE ALPHA DOG!” We don’t know what he means, but we’re pretty sure it’s stupid.

Anyway, it’s been a week, and we have done some hilarious things. We take turns pooping on the floor like little pooping ninjas. We have to be very stealthy because that girl with the hair only turns her back on us for like 5 seconds, and that’s when it’s go time. She has this rug with a heart on it, and we especially like to poop on that because she’ll say things like, “The puppies are pooping on my heart!” and then we wag our tails and look so fluffy that she feels compelled to give us a treat. What a sucker.


Here’s our daily agenda:
  1. Brother cuddle time
  2. Whine until that girl gets us out of our crate
  3. Trot around outside
  4. Fall down because we can't help it
  5. Pee outside
  6. Pee inside
  7. Watch that girl get frustrated and make her a little late for work
  8. Brother biting time
  9. Bark
  10. Whine until that boy gets us
  11. Eat
  12. Drink lots of WATER! We love WATER! We like to splash.
  13. Repeat 4 and 5
  14. More biting
  15. Eh we are tired of making a list, and you get the idea anyway

That girl took us to the vet last week, and we were kind of freaked out, especially when we saw a ferret in the waiting room, and it crawled out of a lady’s hair. The girl was like “Yikes pups do not look that ferret in the eye or you will get parvo.” Anyways we were all out of sorts after the ferret encounter and our usual floppiness was exaggerated and one of us fell off the table. That girl was all “AHHHH EBENEZER ARE YOU OKAY OHMIGOSH I LOVE YOU” and Ebenezer was like “What just happened.” That’s one of our names by the way: Ebenezer. The other one of us is named Uzi (like Oozie). WE TOLD YOU THAT GIRL AND THAT BOY ARE WEIRD. Anyway, Ebenezer falls down a lot. He’s the floppiest thing you ever saw. By the way, we are not sure which one is Ebenezer and which one is Uzi because, hello, we are like 9 weeks old, and how are we supposed to remember that?


That's us looking adorable at the vet. That girl had to hold us and fill out paperwork AND avoid eye contact with the ferret all at the same time. She told us that this is called "multitasking" but we weren't really listening because we prefer to bite her fingers.

Anyway once Ebbie recovered we decided to bite the vet assistance’s shoelaces. We untied them like 45 times and it was hilarious. She didn’t even care because we were so cute and floppy.
Also today we learned to dig and it was AWESOME. We have dirty faces and WE LOVE OUR DIRTY FACES!
 
Then Uzi saw his reflection in the window and ran into it like 7 times. That was confusing because we were pretty sure that Ebenezer was the dumb one. Now we aren't sure.
Well we need to go to bed now. (Our paws are getting tired of typing.) We like to sleep like this:
 
Goodnight.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

the royal desk

Yeesh. Princess efforts not to be a stereotype are failing miserably. Today's sparkly peplum top makes Princess look more like an ice skater than a teacher (TRIPLE LUTZ!), and her desk is looking equally ridiculous. Just yesterday a student asked her if she drank glitter. Princess replied, yes. Yes I do.

Behold the desk's excessive cupcakery:


  
 



...and overly girly school supplies:





What's that in the drawer? Googily eyes? Oh you don't keep googily eyes on hand? What if you needed to google something? (Sometimes Princess makes bad jokes. To distract you she'll show you this picture of googily eyes in hopes that their googiliness will help you forget the whole thing.)
 

...and finally, Princess' coping mechanisms for when the childrens act a fool: beverages and Bible verses
 

 
 



And as a reminder that she is a sane, stable person on occasion, a picture of Princess and her dude. (He's cute.)

 
 

Saturday, September 15, 2012

a letter


Dear ten-year-old Princess,

We need to talk. It’s about Mr. Mustache.

Recently you found a yellow plastic figurine with an orange mustache, and you loved him instantly. You named him Mr. Mustache. (This was a lackluster choice, but fortunately, you will grow in your naming abilities—just ask Ms. Nancy Bobo and Babs.) You stashed Mr. Mustache into that green duffel bag you’ve been using as a backpack, a bag choice that kind of humiliates Grownup Princess when she thinks about it, but at least it’s better than the troll backpack you picked out in first grade and wore backwards all year when you realized no one liked trolls, including you.

Back to Mr. Mustache.  You slipped him out of the green duffel bag during every carpool ride for weeks, “entertaining” the passengers with Mr. Mustache’s gruff voice and grouchy demeanor. Grownup Princess has been wondering why your friends tolerated this. Are they so kindhearted that they put up with your oddities with forced laughter and strained smiles? Or are they so dumb that they were actually entertained? Either way, it’s time to evaluate your friendships.

Whether they are fakers or idiots, they did not deserve to endure that strange emotional breakdown in the car that day. You remember. You were wearing that faded orange puff coat with purple trim—the one you like to hook on the door in the car and use to pretend you are working at a Laundromat? (By the way, that doesn't make any sense.) Puff-coated and exhausted, you were so overwhelmed by all the Mr. Mustache-ing that when your friends requested he emerge from the green duffel to amuse them, you completely snapped. “I AM A PERSON AND I CAN’T BE FUNNY ALL THE TIME! SOMETIMES I AM SAD OR MAD!” you shouted hoarsely through streams of tears. “Y’all don’t even like me,” you sniffed. “You only like Mr. Mustache.”

The rest of the car ride was awkward. No one mentioned Mr. Mustache ever again, and as an act of shame and melodramatics you shoved him under your bed with that Corrie Ten Boom book that we will not discuss as it will send you into hysterics.

You might as well know that when Grownup Princess recently remembered the Mr. Mustache incident, she found a hard surface and pounded her head into it.

Bottomline, let’s steer clear of figurines, duffel bags, and orange puff coats for a while. Also, you currently think the word “pervert” is a synonym for “idiot” or “dummy,” and it is not. That may explain some of the strange looks you’ve been getting. Maybe just avoid name-calling in general, although I understand that the fifth grade is pretty cutthroat. Also you may want to stop telling people that your glasses are Nintendo brand.

The good news is that you are smart and sweet, and all things considered, it’s okay if you are a little weird.