Saturday, December 10, 2011

In which Princess attempts to dispense hair advice...

As you may or may not know, atop Princess' head rests a nest of defiance. This "hair," as some like to call it, has provided Princess with plenty of angst throughout the years (also referenced here), and as a result, she has hoarded many pieces of valuable advice that she would like to pass on to her dear reader(s). Pay attention, class:
  1. Always check the weather. If there is more than a one percent chance of humidity, or more than a one percent chance that you'll walk into a greenhouse, DO NOT make an attempt to straighten your hair. This will result in waisted vanity and excessive fluffiness.
  2. Go ahead and warn your stylist about the fact that you have enough hair for yourself and to make wigs for all the baldies in a 10 mile radius. She will appreciate the fact that you don't totally throw off her schedule and she'll be prepared with 3x the average amount of hair dye in case you are dying it.
  3. Do not blow dry your hair with a fan.
  4. Don't demand medication when you break (another) brush. Life goes on.
  5. When you have a bad hair day, treat your hair the way you would a misbehaving boyfriend: silent treatment. Ignore those strands of rebellion no matter how desperately they demand your attention. Latching onto random people's zippers and getting caught in car windows? Please. Focusing on that will ruin you day. Instead think happy thoughts of cupcakes and buzz cuts. 
And a tutorial, to take you from middle school nightmare hair to yes-you-may-go-out-in-public-if-it's-not-going-to-rain hair. (Coordinating pictures go clockwise.)
  1. Begin. You look crazy, but embrace it! This is the real you and you can use it to terrify people whenever you want. Hooray!
  2. Straighten! This may take up to an hour and will give you an odd callus on your thumb. This is meant to be accepted, not understood.
  3. Curlers! You may look like a grandma and you may realize that none of your friends use curlers, but you will because lets face it, those ends are not going to straighten.
  4. Remove! Take the curlers out. You missed the one in the back. (You're welcome.)