Wednesday, May 25, 2011

obsessions of an american girl

After reading this flawless analysis of American Girl dolls, Princess was two parts insanely jealous that she did not write it and one part convinced that this writer was her soul sister. Everyone knows Samantha was the undisputed “It Girl” of the American Girls and Princess was obvi obsessed. She regularly fixed Samantha’s hair with her official hair salon set and put her to bed in a Samantha-sized canopy bed. She memorized the catalog, and read all the books, where she learned the world “new-fangled,” a term Samantha’s grandmother condescendingly used to refer to Samantha’s uber-cool Aunt Cordelia. Princess still regularly mourns the fact that Samantha’s friend Nellie had her hair cut short so that it would not get caught in the factory machines. (How horrifying if Samantha’s luxurious locks met such a fate!)

She owned several unofficial Samantha outfits (do you have any idea how much the official outfits cost??), including the child-sized version of the nightgown, which she wore religiously despite the scratchiness because it was very important that Princess and Samantha match at bedtime.

But it wasn’t as simple as being obsessed with the doll—she was insistent that everyone view her and Samantha as one and the same. She snobbishly told more than one person that she would be much more suited to represent Samantha than the model in the catalog. In fact, when the “My American Girl” dolls came out, and every girl scrambled to get her look-alike, Princess made sure everyone knew that she did NOT need to get one because Samantha WAS Princess. (Admittedly, Samantha had bangs, and Princess—glory hallelujah—did not, but Princess coolly disregarded this fact and expected others to do the same.)

She has suffered from similar attitudes towards other characters/people, most notably Kelly Kapowski, an obsession previously mentioned here. Obsessions are collectively referenced in the following probably-not-comprehensive list. [Editor's note: After further examination, the list has been deemed most definitely not comprehensive as Princess has just now recalled her obsession with the girl from Love Actually—she dyed her hair black and bought a red coat to be like her, no big deal—and really, her obsession with Elphaba from Wicked is better left for another time.] Without further ado, The List:
  1. Mary Anne from The Baby-Sitters Club (Rationale: Brown hair, cute boyfriend, sweet to everyone, not into softball like Kristy, whom Princess always suspected was ugly)
  2. Kimberly, the Pink Power Ranger (Rationale: The only other option was Trini, the Yellow Ranger, which = gross.)
  3. Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell (Rationale: Crazy curly-haired perfectionist Jessie Spano? Are you kidding me? Then Princess would have to acknowledge that she is actually exactly like Jessie Spano, and would then have to endure years of therapy and maybe get addicted to caffeine pills.)
  4. Harriet the Spy (Rationale: Kept a journal, liked tomato sandwiches, had cool spy tools (Princess purposefully made herself adopt all of these practices and even had a plaid spy coat. You are jealous.) By the way—Princess did NOT like that Michelle Trachtenberg played Harriet the Spy in the movie and REALLY didn’t like when she ended up being terrible on Gossip Girl.)
  5. Melody from Hey Dude (Rationale: Normally Princess likes to support fellow brunettes, but she was so distracted by the fact that the brunette’s name was Brad. More importantly, Melody was way cuter, and though this made Princess kind of bitter, she abandoned her brown-haired loyalties for the sake of good looks. She’s not proud of this.)
  6. April O’Neil from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Rationale: Wore yellow, was a girl. Furthermore, Princess does not like turtles—although if she had to choose she would pick Raphael—bad guys with studded shoulders, rats, or splinters and definitely not rats named Splinter. The choice was obvious.)
  7. Chuckie from Rugrats (Rationale: Adorable voice, red hair, purple glasses. The total package.)
  8. Ann Curry (Rationale: Usually wears cute coats in the winter, has a soothing voice that makes Princess want to take a nap)
  9. Mary Tyler Moore (Rationale: Cute clothes, friends with Rhoda, married to Dick Van Dyke in another show)
  10. Nancy Drew (Rationale: She seemed like Mary Tyler Moore, only not as stressed.)
And, alternatively, the people Princess never, ever wanted to be:
  1. Dina from Salute Your Shorts (Rationale: Snobby, annoying, mismatched earrings)
  2. Clarissa from Clarissa Explains It All (Rationale: Bad teeth, practiced unwise behavior such as allowing boys—well, okay, just Sam—to climb into her bedroom window with a ladder)
  3. Alex Mack (Rationale: Wore a backwards hat sometimes. Princess despised this so much that she completely overlooked the fact that Alex Mack could morph into a puddle of silver radioactive ooze, which by the way, is completely awesome.)
  4. Meredith Vieira (Rationale: She’s probably not mean, but she seems mean. Also, Princess misses Katie Couric.)
  5. Delilah (Rationale: WORST. RADIO. SHOW. EVER.)
On Princess' list of future endeavors: A thorough analysis of all the BSC girls and possibly Sweet Valley Twins.

1 comment:

  1. You are totally cracking me up!! Love it! I was totally obsessed with Felicity & Molly. Seriously, I had the nightgowns too. Even wore them in the blazing hot summer. But, just for the record, I was NOT a Samantha fan. I mean, who likes a snob?! :)