Tuesday, April 19, 2011

self sabatoge

Those who know Princess personally are aware that she is the biggest rule follower ever, which makes her big-fat boring. She resents quotes like, “Well-behaved women rarely make history,” because it sounds like inverse of her epitaph: “She who lies here was well-behaved, so you probably never heard of her.” (Boo to Spoon River Anthology for making her paranoid about her tombstone.)

But Princess has a secret, and her name is Edith. Edith, who was officially named yesterday, is an alter-ego of sorts. Edith is Princess’ devilishly defiant counterpart, kind of like her black swan side, only not as graceful.

The trouble with Edith is that she doesn’t do defiance right. Her defiance is inconvenient for Princess and doesn’t benefit Princess or Princess’ desire to be in the history books at all. It’s embarrassing.

For example, when Princess and Babs are out on a drive, Edith will take over and refuse to follow specified directions to various destinations, but rather invent the way to get there. It is Edith’s way to stick it to the man, to shake her fist at the computer and shout, “DON’T BOSS ME, MAPQUEST!” Princess/Edith feels deep down that her instincts will guide her in a faster and more interesting way than googling an address (so lame). This proved wrong on several occasions, most notably Princess’ own bridesmaids luncheon, when Edith accidentally went to Arkansas when she most definitely needed to stay in Tennessee. Princess and the out-of-town bridesmaids in Edith’s charge arrived just a teensy bit late and Princess was very irritated with Edith, but soon forgave, as surely she was just riddled with pre-wedding jitters.

Similarly, there are times when Princess is trying to cook and Edith will appear in her head, insisting that her instincts can produce a better meal than any bossy recipe. Husband doesn’t even attempt to hide his disappointment when he comes home to see that crazy Edith look in Princess’ eye. The dish he remembers with the most disdain was a concoction Princess called “Biscuit Chicken Cheese Casserole,” which was previously referenced here. She didn’t think it was all that bad, but the frittata she invented was not even up to Princess’ low, low standards. Defiance is foul.

In high school, Edith was all over the place. Once a boy told Princess that he liked her hair better up, and Edith got really bent out of shape and made Princess wear her hair down for a month, even when it was really hot outside. In choir, Edith never, ever allowed Princess to actually pay attention to what the choir director said OR the notes on the page, so of course Edith then made up her own notes to every song. Princess received countless snarky comments from Type A singers who did not understand Princess’ Edith problem.

When kind-hearted, well-intentioned people try to give Princess instruction regarding technology or football or music theory, Edith whispers irritations into Princess’ ears so that Princess is unable to listen to the instructions and evil Edith gets to figure it all out herself. Husband does NOT like this quality, especially when he explains things like why it’s called a V-8 engine (Princess thought this was some sort of juice) or how his new flashlight is able reach like 20 miles or something (not sure about the length as Princess wasn’t listening).

And seriously, Princess went to an SEC college and pretty much never missed a game, and she still doesn’t understand anything about football, despite the fact that so many people have spent time explaining it to her. Her sister is not helpful in this regard because she announces things like, “Hey everyone! Princess just said, ‘I don’t even know what a fumble is!” And it’s really rude for her to point that out in front of everyone. So Princess would like to remind Sister that like Princess, she once drove to Georgia when she was supposed to stay in Tennessee, so maybe Sister is a lot more like Princess than she ever thought, so stop drinking that Hater-ade.

1 comment:

  1. Haha I love this one! Especially your choir references :)