Thursday, March 31, 2011

fancy free

EEEEEE!! Princess is ecstatic. She came home from a rather strange trip to Party City, flipped on the telly, and then all her dreams came true. She saw "Mobbed"—a show of people dancing and singing in the street like they were straight out of Enchanted or Hairspray, except this was REAL LIFE. REAL LIFE DANCING AND SINGING!!! In the street! With lights and fountains bursting forth during the climactic part of the song! Obvi, this is Princess’ ultimate fancy for two reasons in particular:

1. If you spent any time at all in Princess’ head, you would realize how difficult it is for her to not burst into barrel turns and grand jeté en tournant when Pandora selects particularly fab music during a run. The only thing that stops her is the fact that her students regularly report to her when they see her running and she just doesn’t need to give them more material with which to mock her. (Surely they have enough, since earlier this week she helped them understand dependent and independent clauses by comparing them to Sister Wives and Cody, respectively. She can explain this theory in detail some other time.)

2. Even though she’s partially bitter that her husband had Babs’ windows illegally tinted, she is also grateful for it because she can perform Bruno Mars and Wicked to her heart’s content and the cars next to her at red lights aren’t able to cast judgmental/terrified glares. Last Wednesday she performed her best-ever rendition of “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished” and it was a glorious moment.

Whatev, so back to the telly. The people are dancing and singing and smiling in complete bliss, and they’re leading this girl through all the dancing and she’s crying and laughing because it’s so fun and fantastic, and as it turns out, her BF comes out at the end of the song and dance parade and PROPOSES to her and Princess literally had tears rolling down her cheeks because it was so exhilarating, and then she began to write in gigantic sentences that made her inner OCD writing teacher cringe, (as this blog often does) but Princess told that depressing fool, “SHUT UP, YOU, THIS IS FABULOUSNESS THAT DEMANDS EXTRAVAGANT SENTENCES WITH MANY, MANY WORDS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The bad thing is immediately after this proposal, the guy is like, “Let’s get married right now.” And 10 million smiling dancers are staring at this girl and I know what she’s thinking: “I have mascara running down my face, I’m in complete shock, I never had a chance to shop for a wedding dress with my mom and my MOH like I’ve always wanted to, and you want to make me get married RIGHT NOW or else I’ll make you look stupid in front of 10 million people??” The PRESSURE was so INTENSE. Princess felt panicked and sweaty-palmed, so she took a shower immediately to wash away the bad, bad feeling, and sang Hello Dolly song to woo herself back into the elated state she was in before the happy musical number turned scary. So, she has no idea whether they got married right then or not, but knowing simply isn’t worth the risk, because Princess feels sure that either way, the awesome proposal was probably ruined. Reality TV, you are one tricky devil.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

puppetry

Princess is developing a theory that whatever items you may eagerly purchase from Free People and/or Urban Outfitters can simultaneously be found despised, abandoned, and smelling sketchy at your local thrift store. Princess isn’t trying to demean these brands (because obvi Princess wouldn’t turn them away if they offered her free merchandise, and feels morally obligated to like them since they’re earthy and artistic or something), but rather, she is investigating some suspicions she has had of the fashion industry in general for quite some time. And although she’s hinted at her suspicions before, she feels compelled to share them again, because well, she’s seen a lot of conspiracy movies and she thinks she’s on to something.

So here it is: Princess has the sneaking suspicion that the fashion industry is playing a trick on her and other patrons by manipulating them to like things that would actually be considered ugly in any other setting. Seriously. Princess is regularly wondering whether she likes something because she truly likes it, or because someone told her to like it. There have been multiple times when her first instinct to a trend was “big fat NO,” and she then found herself saying, “Do you have this in my size?” This realization has given Princess mad anxiety because she HATES to be manipulated and she HATES to feel like she’s the puppet. Princess must always be the puppet master! It’s in her contract.

Princess’ investigation/imagination has lead to three possibilities:
  1. Anna Wintour has giant trend pinwheel in her office, and she lackadaisically spins it to decide what works for the upcoming season and what does not. Then she cackles when it finally trickles down to the mindless consumers in suburbia.
  2. Anna Wintour has some kind of rotating filing system, so that when something is at its ugliest and most ridiculous, it moves to the front of the file to suddenly be considered fresh and new much to the surprise and obedience of everyone (Princess is looking at you, acid-wash denim and harem pants).
  3. Thrift stores have undercover agents who report back to Anna or Free People or whoever and give an inventory about the clothes that have recently come in—a.k.a. the stuff people have decided is terrible and finally donated. THEN, the fashion industry maliciously brings those items BACK in style (only slightly modified to increase frustration) so that we will have to buy them again, only this time for more money, because of like, inflation, or whatever. (OH MY GOSH THAT’S IT!!!!) Truly, it’s not healthy for America’s hoarding tendency. Maybe the sad people on TLC are just terrified to throw something out because then it’s destined to come back in.
Paranoia? Maybe, since Princess also believes a family of hobos is currently living in her attic. (Fortunately, she also believes that they are friendly.) But maybe not. Lo, some documentation for your viewing pleasure:




*All images from FreePeople.com


Monday, March 28, 2011

the princess, on angst and embracing her inner middle-schooler


The Princess looks at middle school as a dark time. Her sixth grade awkwardness, her braces, her tendency to blush, her lack of a straightener, her unfortunate participation in the talent show that left her terrified of singing in public until senior year, the fact that her seventh grade science teacher had the class make bumper stickers in response to Sex Ed lessons… 


She likes to lock it all away in the far corner of her mind next to her irrational childhood fears of Anne Frank and garbage men. But then she became a teacher. A middle school teacher, no less. And it turns out it’s the best job ever. However, she sometimes finds herself dangerously close to that carefully-labeled cobwebby cardboard box of repressed middle school anxieties, and this has been somewhat unpleasant. 

Like a few weeks ago. Princess was scuttling up the stairs with her gigantic tote bag (when she was ordering it, she was so fixated on the color that she ignored anything resembling a number and LL Bean send the Queen Mother of all bags—Math- 1, Princess- 0) and gigantic heels (she must look tall and sound authoritative when she walks down the hall so she is not mistaken for a student). Obviously you know where this story is going. She fell, up the stairs of course, and caught herself just before her nose hit the steps. As to be expected, there were many witnesses but none that Princess knew except for the extremely quiet kid from sixth period who remained very still and staring throughout the entire fall and resulting teetering recovery (made difficult by the avalanche of Princess’ possessions: gigantic tote bag, purse, coat, and Starbucks). Princess looked at him and said, “Shhh, don’t tell!” and then made an effort to laugh it off, which obviously didn’t work because the box of repressed memories spilled open and cluttered her mind and robbed her of her cleverness. She sheepishly slunk to her room and cracked open a can of Diet Dr. Pepper, which she downed in like, 4.5 seconds. Boo. 

Naturally, as is Princess’ tendency, the quiet kid didn’t need to tell anyone because Princess has a bizarre compulsion to share the things that she doesn’t want shared, so she told everyone. She looks at it as unnecessary honesty. Like when people would compliment the fake Coach bag she carried around a few years ago, Princess would involuntarily say, “THANKS IT’S FAKE, I GOT IT FOR $18!!” After her outburst, she would always wonder why she did that, because after all, isn’t faking it the purpose of buying a fake? And hasn’t she learned after all this time that typically most people admire labels and not the awesome price? Now she’s had more than 5 people ask her if her watch is a Michael Kors, and she always says, “NO I BOUGHT IT AT TARGET TWO YEARS AGO FOR $14!!” Ugh.

By the way, the last time Princess let that statement slip, one of her students JUDGED her. Like, “Ew, omg, who would ever buy a watch a Target?” And Princess was enraged and had to write a fake email to cool down while she decluttered her mind since the @#*%!& middle school box had toppled over once again, even though Princess could have sworn she duct-taped that thing shut. Because OBVIOUSLY the judgment in her student’s eyes it made her think of the fake Birkenstock clogs she had when everyone else had the REAL ones. But WHATEVER because she loved those clogs and WHY didn’t anyone notice when she had the REAL Steve Madden Mary Janes? Probably because she wore them with black velvet overalls. Oy.