Princess and Brother think it’s funny to partake in all things of mass obsession, so they felt it necessary to see Never Say Never, the Justin Bieber movie, this weekend. They soon found themselves in a room of screaming middle-schoolers. Truth be told, Brother was practically born a screaming middle-schooler, and Princess has formal training for dealing with this particular brand of screamer, so they were not as overwhelmed as others might have been. In fact, they were nowhere near being overwhelmed because of the middle-schoolers, but rather overwhelmed with the middle-schoolers (it’s an important prepositional distinction). Princess and Brother screamed their heads off (this is hyperbole, not intended to be taken literally, in case any of the aforementioned overly-literal middle-schoolers are reading) and maybe almost cried just a little bit. Throughout the movie, they would look at one another like, “Oh crap, we think we may have accidentally passed the line of it’s-fun-to-pretend-we’re-obsessed-with-stuff and ended up in a strange land of Tiger Beat magazines and ‘I’m Mrs. Bieber’ t-shirts/tattoos.” (Although obviously Brother would never wear such a shirt unless he was truly desperate for attention, which only happens on like, Saturdays.) The truth is that Justin (first name basis now, you know) is ADORABLE like a baby angel with magical hair and TALENTED and FUNNY. Brother is making plans to kidnap Justin and not hold him for ransom but rather a promise that they can be BFF forever. Princess admires this idea and recommended that one of the terms of Justin’s freedom should be that he has to promise to text Brother and Princess every day. ILY, JB.
Lest we forget, this movie was in 3-D (yay glasses!), and no joke, when the Biebs looked at the camera and extended his 3-D hand, Princess (totally on accident) literally screamed and reached out her arm. (It would have been embarrassing except everyone else did it too.) Over and over again, audience members would jump out of their seats and start dancing (Princess spotted a girl with a broken leg hopping and waving her crutches in the air, which is awesome but not officially recommended on this blog). They overheard a million hilarious comments like, “His hotness is a gift to the world.” It was basically the best time ever. [Side note: This is probably not true for the seventh-grade boys who made the mistake of taking their GFs to the movie because they were like, so J (letters r cool) that they felt compelled to shout rude things about the Biebs, but Princess noticed they all had his haircut. Hypocrisy is lame.]
Afterwards, Princess made Brother take pictures with her outside by the movie poster. During this process, Brother would randomly announce, “I’ve got a fever!” and approximately 50 girls waiting for their moms to pick them up would squeal, “ME TOO!!!!!” It was like Bieber’s almost-bowl cut brought strangers together. It was beautiful.
That said, Princess would like to update her previous idea of heaven. For years, Princess has lamented, “Why is life not a musical?” and insisted that heaven will, in fact, be a musical. [Side note: In high school, Princess and her friend Shannon decided the best way to remedy this is to choreograph dances to songs about everyday things and teach these songs/dances to the masses. That way when someone says something like, “I have to go to the bathroom,” or “What time is it?” those around that person can perform the choreographed song and dance. Later Princess found out that High School Musical 2 TOTALLY had a song called “What Time Is It?” and she was $#*&%@ mad.] Because Princess had so much fun screaming her head off in pure excitement, she would like to officially modify her “Heaven Is a Musical” theory to “Heaven Is a Musical and Also Kind of a Justin Bieber Movie/Concert Except Obviously We Won’t Be Focusing on The Biebs Because He Is Just an Element of Creation Though Arguably One of the Better Elements in Creation.” The End.