Saturday, January 1, 2011

this is like, creepy


Princess thinks that TLC, which is traditionally known as The Learning Channel, should henceforth be known as This is Like, Creepy. (Eh, it’s the best she could do.) The channel has cornered the market on shows about multiples, midgets, bakers, and weddings, and then combines any of the above for extra points or something (Little Chocolatiers, anyone?). Princess’ father is almost angered by the amount of “little people” shows, and Princess does have to agree that they’re getting excessive. Almost exploitative, like the circus. (Yet none of us can stop watching... After watching a show about Kennedy, a primordial dwarf, Princess fascination was so excessive that her friends expressed genuine concern.)

TLC is taking a toll on Princess' mental state, particularly in regard to parenthood. If Princess accidentally flips past one more Baby Story episode, she may never have children, while that other show about people who never knew they were pregnant regularly makes her paranoid that she will be having babies later that afternoon. Then there’s the bratty baby pageant show (Tangent: “Why are all the moms ugly?” Husband asked. Princess explained to him that this is part of the irony of the show and is intended to make viewers fascinated and furious and thus addicted) that makes Princess terrified that she will end up with some scary fake-toothed fluffy-haired country bumkin baby that will yell at her about her itchy talent costume. OR, what if Princess got addicted to cranking out babies and ended up with 17 18 19 little monsters! Or what if they came out and they were literally monsters! (TLC doesn’t have a show about this yet, but Princess expects it any day.) Or what if she ended up with like 7 of them at one time and then Husband ended up wearing Ed Hardy and dating Princess’ plastic surgeon’s daughter? This may be the worst possibility. 

(As a side note, Princess has intentions of writing TLC and advising them to sic Stacey and Clinton on the people in all their other shows.She thinks this would make an excellent season of What Not to Wear.) 

Nevertheless, Princess and her Prince Charming are watching TLC again. This has possessed Princess to ask Husband a series of disturbing questions. Husband has this uncanny ability to respond to Princess’ most ridiculous questions in the same tone of voice one might use when asked, “Paper or plastic?” Princess admires this ability very much. They just had this conversation: 

“If you had other wives, would I be your favorite?” 

“I’d have to see.” 

“Don’t you think I’d be the most fun and prettiest wife?” (Princess is shameless.)

“Maybe.”

“If I were addicted to ventriloquism, would you still have married me?” 

“No.” 

“But if you had, would you consider my puppet your other wife?” 

“No.” 

“What if I was mad that you were going to marry another woman and I pretended I was addicted to ventriloquism to freak her out? Would you be mad?” 

“Yes.” 

Later, after Princess tires of her Inquisition, Husband stands up and says, “I love you so much. I would never pick another wife.” Princess smiles and says, “Thanks, boo.” She already knew that.

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