Thursday, January 6, 2011

mind games

Princess has been attacked. Viciously and senselessly attacked. Betrayed, really. By Velcro.

The day started out quite wonderfully. But then, do not all scary movies begin with sunshine and loving, happy families? Princess was dressed to the nines (where did this phrase originate? Princess would like to know. Why is nine fancier than the other numbers? Are the other numbers jealous? Is there a number that is particularly tacky? There are many questions that Princess has made a mental note to examine on another day) and toting the day’s treasures in a fantastic basket given to her by her kind mother-in-law, who is especially talented at choosing things Princess will love. It is red and has her monogram on it and Princess loves it dearly. (Also when she carries it with her red coat—also given to her by her mother-in-law—she is called Red Riding Hood and she likes this. Although she would also like to add to her list of Things to Consider on Another Day the fact that in that story, a wolf dresses as a Grandma and a creepy stalker lumberjack somehow rescues Red from the wolf just in time. Hester Molester perhaps? Should we tell our children this story?)

Back to the basket. Since the Velcro incident, Princess has been eyeing the basket with suspicion. Why is it betraying her in this way? [Note: If you have been paying any attention to Princess’ senseless ramblings (bless your heart), you know that she has this excessive sense of personification (she is a writing teacher, so she thinks she is allowed to be this type of crazy) that regularly interferes with her daily life. Yesterday she had a strange feeling that the trees she passed on the way home from work were planning to throw apples at her like in Wizard of Oz. Later a bizarre swirl in her shower tiles began to look like a man’s head and the image nearly ruined her rendition of “Grenade.” (Nearly. Princess- 1, Tiles, 0.) Speaking of which, has Princess shared with you her theory that Bruno Mars is equal parts Elvis and Rufio from Hook? Ah, another day.]
Okay, Princess is not a math person (though the preceding diagram may convince you otherwise), but she can tell that things are not adding up for you. Personification, baskets, Velcro… She will break it down: Basket is fastened with Velcro. Princess believed the Velcro-fastened basket to be her friend. Princess lovingly stored the basket under her desk and peered at it throughout the day to make sure it was safe and happy. THEN, mid-afternoon, when the basket was grouchy no doubt, it went all piranha on her and bit her leg like 57 times. Her tights will never be the same.

(Princess was just grateful that she was not wearing the patterned tights she has that she saw Portia de Rossi wearing on Oprah the other day. Princess was not aware that they were particularly fashionable, and is patting herself on the back for buying them, even though obviously she was going to buy them because they were one-third of a pack for like 5 dollars.)

Perhaps it’s a simple case of mutiny. Maybe the basket actually is her friend and the Velcro pulled a Benedict Arnold or a Tom Cruise in that movie about killing Hitler. (Spoiler: Tom Cruise does not succeed in killing Hitler. This surprised Princess even though she knew Hitler wasn’t assassinated. She was also surprised when the Titanic sank. Why do movies based on books break ALL the rules—Princess is looking at you, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants! Matilda! Other Boleyn Girl!—and the movies based on history follow the rules? How irritating.)

To conclude, Princess' mind is very much working against her trying to make her angry with her beloved basket. Princess has decided to reject this notion, because she knows the basket didn't mean any harm and would like to go back to the innocent time pre-attack when they simply enjoyed their blissful Red Riding Hood excursions without any worry of attacks or pedophile lumberjacks. (She also has suspicions that someone climbed into her dreams and put hateful basket thoughts in the safe that was locked away in her dollhouse.)

Are you impressed by how many topics Princess can cover in her rambles? It’s a gift. Or ADHD.

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