Monday, November 8, 2010

the princess and the hair

Princess' hair attacks her sister.

Has the Princess discussed the atrocity that is her hair? Princess’ hair isn’t particularly ugly (in fact, she has at least two pictures where it looks fantastic), but it has been a regular source of angst throughout her life. To prove this, Princess has put together a timeline** that will provide you with an overview of the ways in which her tresses have caused her pain and suffering:

4 years: Princess is known by fellow church-goers as “the child with the hair.” Mother is proud. She decorates Princess’ hair with oversized bows.

6 years: Princess’ classmates say that her ponytail is much more like a horse’s tail. Thus Princess hates horses and other children.

8 years: See “4 years.”

10 years: Princess, who is determined to be a ballerina like her beautiful shiny-haired cousin, gets yelled at during ballet class because her 20-pound hair won’t stay in a bun.

11 years: Princess long, straight locks become very, very frizzy. She has never heard of a straightening iron. Neither has mother. Princess tries to disguise the frizz with butterfly clips. Princess takes a series of horrifying school pictures.

12 years: Princess is unfortunately obsessed with Jan Brady and begins using her American Girl rollers to create a curl next to each temple. She pretends it’s natural.

13 years: See “11 years.”

14 years: Princess’ hair turns curly. Princess’ brother begins calling her Medusa. Princess is not impressed by baby brother’s knowledge of Greek mythology.

15 years: Ballet-trained Princess is inexplicably featured in a jazz piece for her ballet company’s yearly spring show. She is forced to dance to Pink’s “Get This Party Started” while wearing a crushed velvet pink CROP TOP!, belly jewels, and 10 tiny buns all over her head. Later she must undo all the knots and try to make her hair look presentable for prom that night. Even now the memory sends her straight into an anxiety attack.

16 years: Princess’ future husband asks her if she has dreadlocks. At Princess’ crazy-eyed expression, he begins a long and ineffective explanation about why he likes dreadlocks. Princess is not amused, but likes him anyway.

17 years: Princess gets her hair done for the first time because all her friends were doing it. She asks for a sleek French twist and ends up looking just like the pictures of her dad from the seventies. Princess doesn’t know how to fix it, so she leaves it alone. Luckily, people are distracted by her misfortunate spray tan, so her hair goes unnoticed.

18 years: Unbeknownst to her, Princess gains 15 pounds. Blaming her drab appearance on her hair, she gets a short cut and bangs. Afterward Princess suddenly realizes that her face is much rounder than it used to be.

19 years: Princess tells a prospective member of her sorority that she sheds a lot. Prospective member promptly cuts ADPi. Other ADPis wonder why. Princess does not tell, but Princess’ freshman roommate knows because she spent the past year angrily swirling clumps of Princess’ hair off their pink carpet.

20 years: Princess walks down the aisle. Husband later says his first thought was, “Oh, she was afraid her hair would look bad, but I like it.” Princess thinks this is very sweet. She spends their entire honeymoon finding hidden bobby pins buried deep her hair.

21 years: Princess gets another short cut. This time it looks good! She is skinny! Rejoice! Husband says she looks like Matilda. At Princess’ crazy-eyed expression, he begins a long and ineffective explanation about why he likes Matilda. Princess is not amused, but likes him anyway.

22 years: Princess does not get her hair cut for over a year. Her split ends begin attacking her.

23 years: Princess has her hair dyed one shade darker. Her lovely hairdresser goes back to get more dye three different times. Princess becomes high from the fumes.

24 years: Princess’ hair learns to be static-y. Every time she hugs someone she looks like she’s been electrocuted. This is a source of inner conflict as winter wear is usually a great source of joy, but now her coats are forcing her to look insane.

Yesterday: Princess’ hair yanked over half of the bristles out of her brush. She remembers the “You broke my brush” scene in Princess Diaries. Consequently, in her mind she sees a montage of the several occasions when someone has said to her: “Oh, you look just like the girl in Princess Diaries, before she get’s pretty!” At Princess’ crazy-eyed expression, these unfortunate human beings usually begin a long and ineffective explanation about how Princess is, in fact, pretty, and they didn’t mean to imply that she wasn’t. Princess is not amused.

Today: Princess makes an appointment with her fab hair stylist, who always makes Princess feel like her hair is not actually a hot mess. Princess loves her dearly for this.

**Please note that this timeline does not include the cornrows incident, the period of time when people thought it was humorous to hide pencil shavings in her hair, or the fact that throughout her life, Princess has struggled to hear when her hair is in front of her ears. Pray for her.