The Princess is 23 years old. (Tangent: Opinions of those who have encountered Princess in real life do not seem to agree with this particular number. She gets a range of reviews. Apparently she is an “old soul” who “acts 13,” “drives like an 80-year-old,” and “looks like a high schooler.” None of these assessments is particularly pleasing to the Princess, especially since she will be turning 24 in approximately 7 days and she is tired people thinking she is a student at her school rather than a teacher.) Princess has been married for three years, and she is aware that this places her in a peculiar category of People Who Married Young, most of who wear long skirts and may or may not have curly hair yet straight bangs. But Princess considers herself to be only moderately weird, and she married at 20 because well, she was in love with the Captain (obvi), she had graduated college, and was tired of dating him, because they had been doing that since she was 16, and you can only eat at Chili’s so many times. The past three years have been 3 parts wonderful, and 1 part terrifying, because Princess has had to learn to live with all the horrendous things that go along with living with a boy. For example:
- Being angrily accused of throwing imaginary rabbits at Husband. (Husband talks in his sleep.)
- Waking up to a pantry floor covered in granola bar rappers and a now-empty jar of peanut butter that was bought last week. (Husband binge-eats in his sleep.)
- “We don’t need to buy a couch. We have the Love Sac.” (Husband does not understand that the awkward cuddling required for more than one person to sit on a Love Sac makes it an impossible substitute for a couch. Also it is ugly.)
- Husband unknowingly swings his heavy leg onto Princess whilst sleeping and the pressure makes Princess pass out from lack of oxygen.
- Husband does not grasp the logistics of toothpaste tube squeezing and therefore toothpaste tube becomes inefficient and gives Princess another reason for anxiety pills.
- Husband cannot hear early morning alarm FOR HOURS. Princess goes insane from the incessant beeping and begins to foam at the mouth.
Nevertheless, the Captain is adorable and Princess is happy to be in the long skirt club (sans long skirt) with the other weird people.