Wednesday, August 25, 2010

the princess craves originality.

The Princess craves originality! Alas, she lives in Suburbia, and Suburbia is jammed packed with cookie-cutter houses and chain restaurants. This is why she experiences a mild depression when Husband offers to take her on a date and he suggests Red Lobster or Chili’s. Unfortunately, several times Husband has confused her mild depression for snobbery and seems to thinks Princess needs expensive restaurants to be happy. Mais, no! Princess simply wants to add to her collection of memories, and when one eats at Chili’s, that experience is likely to blend in with all the other meals at Chili’s, most of which involve her eating so many chips that she can barely participate in conversation because the internal crunching sound blocks out all external noise. This is not a happy thought (see previous post about eating feelings). Consider the following:
  1. Once Princess was low on cash, but found it NECESSARY to have Chick-fil-A. To solve this conundrum, Princess enlisted Sister and Brother and devised a plan to hunt down enough quarters to buy each sibling a sandwich. This involved many borderline embarrassing tasks, including, but not limited to, a very thorough scanning of the Chick-fil-A parking lot (Princess seems to remember not showering before this experience, so she likely looked homeless). The Princess and Siblings successfully paid for three sandwiches in all quarters and a few dimes, and the register person did not even mind. Princess and Siblings felt it was a very satisfying, hilarious, and bonding experience, one which they regularly recount when they are tired from their other antics (like choreographing dances to the Glee soundtracks and quoting That Thing You Do).
  2. Once Princess and Husband (who was Boyfriend at the time) went to the drive-in movies (Danny and pre-makeover Sandy style, NOT Kenickie and Rizzo style). Husband/Boyfriend (who totally shouldn’t have done this, but don’t judge him because he is usually very honest) made Princess hide in the floorboards with a $5 Little Caesar’s Hot and Ready. Princess nearly hyperventilated (militant conscience), but was grateful for the adventure.
  3. Once Princess and Sister could not decide where to eat. (They both suffer from crippling indecision which hinders their daily lives.) Princess and Sister decided to have a smorgasbord of items from many restaurants. The menu consisted of curly fries from Arby’s, strawberry milkshakes from McDonald’s, and at least six other dollar menu items from various restaurants that Princess has somehow forgotten because God is good and he tells our minds to block out certain traumatizing experiences. Princess and Sister felt TERRIBLE after the smorgasbord (which they ate at home, in the floor while watching Gilmore Girls). Nevertheless, Princess and Sister had the best time ever and plan to repeat the experience.
Hooray for cheap, ridiculous experiences!

Behold, Princess stuffing her face with mozzarella sticks whilst donning her prom dress. She also ate cheddar peppers. It was classy.

Friday, August 20, 2010

the princess likes words.

Especially when she finds the exact one she needs. But sometimes word-hunting is similar to the experience Princess has in a dark movie theater when she is DESPERATE to find her ticket because obviously she has finished the two Diet Dr. Peppers she snuck in and now she MUST use the restroom, but she dare not leave without the ticket because, hello, that one time the movie man accused her of sneaking in to Scooby Doo and Princess was all, like I would ever pay $10 to see Scooby Doo because I’ve hated Freddie Prinze, Jr. ever since he drank shampoo in that other weird movie, and if you’re going to yell at me you should yell about the five sets of McDonald’s cheeseburgers and fries I smuggled in for all my friends with my giant purse. (Princess also loves a run-on sentence when she is upset. And yes, she does endorse sneakiness when it comes to avoiding over-priced movie food.)

Conversely, Princess hates it when other people do not use the right word, and to be honest, she is quite snobby about it. For example, there was the book Princess instantly knew she would hate because the description on the back cover involved the phrase “matriarchal mamas.” (Head mother-like mother? Must we sacrifice intelligence for alliteration? Princess thinks not.)

But often the Princess comes across writing that is so fantastic it makes her spend money. Like the way the description “covered in a golden halo of cheese” made her usual indecisiveness disappear one night at Macaroni Grill. Behold, some words Princess loves to use when the time is right: snarky, frothy, and whimsy. (She would quite admire someone who could use all of these words effectively in one sentence.) She was delighted yesterday when she read this:

“A chic update to the traditional trench, in a swingy silhouette with raglan sleeves finished with decorative belt-tab detailing. Crafted in a sumptuous blend of silk and cotton, with dressmaker details including a center-back pleat for a flattering fit and custom ‘button up’ buttons along the front placket. A charcoal rose-print faille lining and the embroidered phrase ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ at the back neck add a touch of whimsy.”

Kate Spade, as if Princess needed another reason to love you! The only thing cuter than the description is the coat itself:


Click here to buy Princess a birthday present. (By the way, just kidding. This price makes Princess break out in hives.)

And then there's this little pretty for Princess' inner word-nerd:

It's a clutch. Can you believe it? Is Princess a huge dork for liking this? Would you judge her if you saw her carrying it around? Sadily (or happily, depending on how you answered that question), Princess will not be carrying this around, because well, if you didn't already realize this, she is a teacher and designer book-inspired clutches are simply not in the budget. Buy it for yourself and make Princess jealous by clicking here.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

princess eats her feelings


Two minutes ago, the Princess ran out of the kitchen yelling, "No, chips! No!" She ran into the bedroom, slammed the door, and turned on E! in hopes that the noise would drown out the "come hither" pleadings of the Ruffles and French onion dip. It then occurred to her that it is potentially strange to scream at Ruffles, which are surely not trying to tempt her. Also she felt bad because that was probably a harsh way to treat the poor Ruffles. (She then wondered what other kinds of things she does when she is alone and not forced to act normal.)

You see, the Princess has a very bossy conscience ("No, chips! No!"), and heartstrings that are usually wound too tight ("poor Ruffles"). These two sides of her create intense inner turmoil on a regular basis. In fact, as a child, the Princess used to keep a chart by her bed so that her stuffed animals could have equal cuddle time. (Princess' sense of personification was out of control and she couldn't bear the thought of any stuffed animal feeling like a loser.) But despite the diligent chart documentation, her bossy conscience insisted that the stuffed animals knew that the stuffed snowman was her secret favorite, and the Princess was traumatized by this every day.

(Tangent: Sister says Princess is doomed to become a hoarder because of the aforementioned sense of personification, which is almost always at a dangerously toxic level. Naturally Princess can’t throw anything away. Her family is understandably irritated.)

So what can Princess do when confronted with the inevitable conscience-heartstrings showdown? She can only do what every proper Princess would: listen to Mum. Princess has the best, sweetest mother in the world, one who would always comfort her by saying things like, “Oh sweetie, why don’t you come over? I made brownies!” or “Why don’t you just drink a coke? That’ll make you feel better.” Last year, during a particularly traumatizing teaching gig, Princess was downing like seven Diet Dr. Peppers a day. Because she needed to COPE. With all that DRAMA. Her students would say obnoxious things to her like, “That stuff is gonna make your babies come out weird.” Princess would give such students the stink eye and then chug another can.

The real pickle is that Princess’ conscience makes her feel bad about the brownie-eating and Diet Dr. Pepper-drinking that was originally intended to dull the internal conflict, and Princess has no choice but to head to refrigerator or pantry again, which eventually sends her back into the same crazy cycle. She is exhausted even explaining the complexity of her issue. And NO ONE WILL LET HER HAVE ANXIETY PILLS. Can you believe this?

You should know that since she began writing this post, she has already made a trip back to the pantry to soothe the scorned Ruffles and cram a few down her throat.

Monday, August 16, 2010

marital musings


The Princess is 23 years old. (Tangent: Opinions of those who have encountered Princess in real life do not seem to agree with this particular number. She gets a range of reviews. Apparently she is an “old soul” who “acts 13,” “drives like an 80-year-old,” and “looks like a high schooler.” None of these assessments is particularly pleasing to the Princess, especially since she will be turning 24 in approximately 7 days and she is tired people thinking she is a student at her school rather than a teacher.) Princess has been married for three years, and she is aware that this places her in a peculiar category of People Who Married Young, most of who wear long skirts and may or may not have curly hair yet straight bangs. But Princess considers herself to be only moderately weird, and she married at 20 because well, she was in love with the Captain (obvi), she had graduated college, and was tired of dating him, because they had been doing that since she was 16, and you can only eat at Chili’s so many times. The past three years have been 3 parts wonderful, and 1 part terrifying, because Princess has had to learn to live with all the horrendous things that go along with living with a boy. For example:
  • Being angrily accused of throwing imaginary rabbits at Husband. (Husband talks in his sleep.)
  • Waking up to a pantry floor covered in granola bar rappers and a now-empty jar of peanut butter that was bought last week. (Husband binge-eats in his sleep.)
  • “We don’t need to buy a couch. We have the Love Sac.” (Husband does not understand that the awkward cuddling required for more than one person to sit on a Love Sac makes it an impossible substitute for a couch. Also it is ugly.)
  • Husband unknowingly swings his heavy leg onto Princess whilst sleeping and the pressure makes Princess pass out from lack of oxygen.
  • Husband does not grasp the logistics of toothpaste tube squeezing and therefore toothpaste tube becomes inefficient and gives Princess another reason for anxiety pills.
  • Husband cannot hear early morning alarm FOR HOURS. Princess goes insane from the incessant beeping and begins to foam at the mouth.
Nevertheless, the Captain is adorable and Princess is happy to be in the long skirt club (sans long skirt) with the other weird people.