Wednesday, December 8, 2010

princess is demented

Princess has discovered that she needs therapy. She NEVER watches scary movies because they traumatize her, yet she somehow finds ways to make life scary all on her own. She has compiled a list:

1. Princess was once having a fake fight with her sister and found herself shouting, “I am going to cut you up into 365 pieces and mail a piece to our parents every day!” Sister and Princess stared at each other in horrified shock. Princess has no idea how she thought of that.

2. In another fake fight with Sister, Princess yelled, “I am going to use a vacuum to suck out all of your internal organs and then make you eat them!” Princess scared herself, but also thought this was very creative.

3. Princess doesn’t like to drive to her friend Melissa’s house, or really any place in the country, because she thinks she sees children staring at her in her peripheral vision. She believes this stems from the terrifying old black and white photos that she has seen of her great-(great?)-grandparents.

4. Princess, like, HATES Amelia Earhart. Seriously, WHERE IS SHE?!? Someone find her so Princess can stop thinking about it.

5. Princess once worked at an elementary school where there were animals painted all over the walls. She told a kid named Ivory that they came alive at night and that the bunny just winked at her. Ivory believed her and told him mom.

6. Princess likes to pretend that the places she lives are haunted but ends up scaring herself. Currently, she tells visitors that the girl in the painting in the dining room crawls out of the painting and watches people while they’re sleeping. Princess no longer goes into the dining room.

7. Princess and her sorority sisters pretended that the ghost of their sorority’s founder lived in one of the unused rooms on their floor. They knocked on her door before going to formals and such to see if she wanted to come. She never came, and Princess and sisters decided that she was really rude.

8. When students ask why one of the ceiling tiles is missing in her classroom, Princess tells them a homeless man lives up there. Now Princess thinks this every time she sees a missing ceiling tile. It hasn’t been pleasant.

The end.

Monday, November 8, 2010

the princess and the hair

Princess' hair attacks her sister.

Has the Princess discussed the atrocity that is her hair? Princess’ hair isn’t particularly ugly (in fact, she has at least two pictures where it looks fantastic), but it has been a regular source of angst throughout her life. To prove this, Princess has put together a timeline** that will provide you with an overview of the ways in which her tresses have caused her pain and suffering:

4 years: Princess is known by fellow church-goers as “the child with the hair.” Mother is proud. She decorates Princess’ hair with oversized bows.

6 years: Princess’ classmates say that her ponytail is much more like a horse’s tail. Thus Princess hates horses and other children.

8 years: See “4 years.”

10 years: Princess, who is determined to be a ballerina like her beautiful shiny-haired cousin, gets yelled at during ballet class because her 20-pound hair won’t stay in a bun.

11 years: Princess long, straight locks become very, very frizzy. She has never heard of a straightening iron. Neither has mother. Princess tries to disguise the frizz with butterfly clips. Princess takes a series of horrifying school pictures.

12 years: Princess is unfortunately obsessed with Jan Brady and begins using her American Girl rollers to create a curl next to each temple. She pretends it’s natural.

13 years: See “11 years.”

14 years: Princess’ hair turns curly. Princess’ brother begins calling her Medusa. Princess is not impressed by baby brother’s knowledge of Greek mythology.

15 years: Ballet-trained Princess is inexplicably featured in a jazz piece for her ballet company’s yearly spring show. She is forced to dance to Pink’s “Get This Party Started” while wearing a crushed velvet pink CROP TOP!, belly jewels, and 10 tiny buns all over her head. Later she must undo all the knots and try to make her hair look presentable for prom that night. Even now the memory sends her straight into an anxiety attack.

16 years: Princess’ future husband asks her if she has dreadlocks. At Princess’ crazy-eyed expression, he begins a long and ineffective explanation about why he likes dreadlocks. Princess is not amused, but likes him anyway.

17 years: Princess gets her hair done for the first time because all her friends were doing it. She asks for a sleek French twist and ends up looking just like the pictures of her dad from the seventies. Princess doesn’t know how to fix it, so she leaves it alone. Luckily, people are distracted by her misfortunate spray tan, so her hair goes unnoticed.

18 years: Unbeknownst to her, Princess gains 15 pounds. Blaming her drab appearance on her hair, she gets a short cut and bangs. Afterward Princess suddenly realizes that her face is much rounder than it used to be.

19 years: Princess tells a prospective member of her sorority that she sheds a lot. Prospective member promptly cuts ADPi. Other ADPis wonder why. Princess does not tell, but Princess’ freshman roommate knows because she spent the past year angrily swirling clumps of Princess’ hair off their pink carpet.

20 years: Princess walks down the aisle. Husband later says his first thought was, “Oh, she was afraid her hair would look bad, but I like it.” Princess thinks this is very sweet. She spends their entire honeymoon finding hidden bobby pins buried deep her hair.

21 years: Princess gets another short cut. This time it looks good! She is skinny! Rejoice! Husband says she looks like Matilda. At Princess’ crazy-eyed expression, he begins a long and ineffective explanation about why he likes Matilda. Princess is not amused, but likes him anyway.

22 years: Princess does not get her hair cut for over a year. Her split ends begin attacking her.

23 years: Princess has her hair dyed one shade darker. Her lovely hairdresser goes back to get more dye three different times. Princess becomes high from the fumes.

24 years: Princess’ hair learns to be static-y. Every time she hugs someone she looks like she’s been electrocuted. This is a source of inner conflict as winter wear is usually a great source of joy, but now her coats are forcing her to look insane.

Yesterday: Princess’ hair yanked over half of the bristles out of her brush. She remembers the “You broke my brush” scene in Princess Diaries. Consequently, in her mind she sees a montage of the several occasions when someone has said to her: “Oh, you look just like the girl in Princess Diaries, before she get’s pretty!” At Princess’ crazy-eyed expression, these unfortunate human beings usually begin a long and ineffective explanation about how Princess is, in fact, pretty, and they didn’t mean to imply that she wasn’t. Princess is not amused.

Today: Princess makes an appointment with her fab hair stylist, who always makes Princess feel like her hair is not actually a hot mess. Princess loves her dearly for this.

**Please note that this timeline does not include the cornrows incident, the period of time when people thought it was humorous to hide pencil shavings in her hair, or the fact that throughout her life, Princess has struggled to hear when her hair is in front of her ears. Pray for her.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I'M kelly

Princess went for a jog yesterday. She is not one of these joggers we all admire, but rather like the ones we pity, whose faces get too red and whose feet scrape the ground too much. Nevertheless, Princess went for a jog, and she actually began to enjoy it. The heavens opened and the angels started singing and Princess felt like those other more admirable joggers. Even her ponytail looked fab. Imagine the way her heart soared during the second mile when Lion King began playing on Pandora! What bliss!

But then the memories started to creep in. No, not the memory the horrific way Disney murdered Mufasa RIGHT IN FRONT OF SIMBA. (Excuse Princess, she has got to go cry.) Instead she began to relive the memory of her stint as a 10 year old in a singing group she formed with two of her neighbors. You see, these neighbors were older than Princess, and much more glamorous (Princess was not cool at 10, but you probably weren’t either so don’t judge). Therefore, when their singing group (Princess will not give the name of the group because she has deemed it unnecessary to embarrass herself any further) would practice their favorite songs from Lion King, Princess was not allowed to be Simba or Nala. No, she had to be ZAZU. The WORST CHARACTER, like, EVER. Zazu, if you are not familiar with him, is the annoying bird that everyone hates. EVERYONE.

Princess can hear her wobbly 10-year-old voice now, “I’ve never seen a king or beast with quite so little hair!” (Luckily Princess has always been good at accents.) Do you know that when Princess envisions this, she sees herself wearing denim shorts with WINNIE THE POOH embroidery? Can you imagine?

Princess wanted to be Nala! The pretty lion! Why could she not be Nala? (It may have had something to do with the Winnie the Pooh shorts, but you can’t tell a 10-year-old princess that because it would hurt her feelings.)

Strangely, this idea of “being” various characters has always had a fixation in Princess’ mind. As a child, she could not watch Saved by the Bell peacefully unless every person in the room agreed that she “was” Kelly. Because hello, Princess has long brown hair! Like Kelly! (Although brown hair was the ace in the hole for the Kelly debate, Princess abandoned this line of reasoning when it did not suit her. For example, when her friend with long red hair declared—at Princess’ Little Mermaid birthday party, mind you—that she was in fact Ariel because of her long red hair, Princess scoffed. Birthday beats red hair. BOOM!)

Later Princess learned that many other girls were just as possessive about characters. In fact, her friend Erica used to write “Kelly” on every single paper she turned in at school. Princess and Erica have since formed a Facebook group called “No I’M Kelly,” which has a total of three members. Only one of the members is truly Kelly, and that is obviously Princess. Princess and Erica’s friendship is understandably damaged.

Even now Princess has heart palpitations when someone else gets the country cottage in the boardgame Life. Doesn’t everyone know that the country cottage is Princess’ house, and that she takes it very personally when she does not get to live in the fictitious country cottage???

Princess did not jog today.

Monday, October 4, 2010

drama llama

Princess, the queen of NO drama, has recently encountered the Drama Llama. If you did not know, the Drama Llama, though he sounds cute, is not cute. He has a big ugly nose and a bad attitude. And frizzy hair.

Anyway, the Drama Llama metaphorically came over to Princess’ house and her brain exploded from the anxiety. Much like when she leaves a Diet Dr. Pepper in the fridge (obviously, room temperature cokes are unacceptable).

You’ll have to excuse her while she elaborates. [As a disclaimer, Princess does not like it when people get suddenly serious because it makes the hairs on her arm stand up. (The hairs are very good at warning Princess about awkward moments.) Also it is hard for Princess to switch gears from Funny Conversation Mode to Serious Conversation Mode, so she has to stand very still until her brain adjusts. This is uncomfortable for everyone, so Princess is trying to help you out by warning you that the serious is coming.] Princess has the greatest sister in the world. Sister is like, the most fun person ever, and Princess would have no problem spending every waking moment with Sister. But then Sister and Princess got into a fight. That’s when Princess knew the Drama Llama had stopped by for an ugly, frizzy-haired, big-nosed visit, because Princess and Sister have had a total of zero fights with each other their entire lives. There was yelling from Princess and other out-of-character events, and before Sister and Princess knew it, they had avoided contact for two weeks.

If you have a sister, you know the deep sadness Princess felt. Not talking to Sister felt bizarre, and Princess somehow felt less like herself. Princess wanted to hide in the closet like you have to do in a tornado warning and wait for everything to return to normal.

But things didn’t return to normal. Princess had no idea how to handle the situation and was terrified that a phone call to Sister would start the whole thing over again. She wasn’t sure she could handle that. (You never know when the Drama Llama is listening on the other end of the line.) A million things happened that Princess was dying to share with Sister, but The Fight was there looming over Princess like a… loom. (Looms don’t loom. Does this bother anyone else?)

Yesterday, Princess and Sister finally saw each other and they hugged and cried. Not much needed to be said. Perhaps it’s because they both treasure the relationship more than they can say. The forgiveness came so naturally that Princess cried more, wholeheartedly grateful that the God who created the universe cared enough to give her a sister, and then cared enough to reconcile them in the way only He could.

The only reason it all needed to be said here is because, well, we all need to be encouraged to do what we can to resolve the conflicts in our lives. Most of the time they result from a mish-mash of misunderstandings, and if we refuse to work through the craziness, we may be missing out on some of the best relationships of our lives.

I love you, Sister!

Monday, September 13, 2010

ugly is the new trendy

Alert: The Princess is a wuss. (Spell check wants Princess to say “woos.” What is a woos? Princess finds herself distracted by the silliness of this word. Later she feels dumb because a woos is not a thing—though perhaps it should be, but that is another post—but rather a form of the verb “to woo.”) Really, truly, she is terrified of most everything. Her students learned this over a recent retreat when the Princess screamed like a little girl when one sneaky student surprised her with a lizard and other students witnessed her hyperventilate at the top of a zipline. You see, the Princess does not like heights. They make her feet tingle. Thus, she never walks over the grates on the sidewalk and is forever embittered at Mum, who once made her walk across the Golden Gate Bridge and back again. (Apparently there is NO SHUTTLE nor a COKE MACHINE across the Golden Gate Bridge. This is the perfect opportunity to sell overpriced snacks to hungry, tired people. Why does our sick world not recognize this?)

So Princess is a wuss. She has embraced it! She is proud! She is convinced it will become trendy eventually. After all, nerds are cool. As are schoolmarm boots. In fact, the Princess feels she can make a case that all ugly things are eventually considered cool. Princess first learned this whilst moccasin-shopping with a friend a few years ago. “Are these cute or granny?” Princess’ friend asked. Princess did not know. Irritated, the pair realized that the line between ugly and fashionable was a very, very fine line. Does Anna Wintour think this is funny? To convince us that ugly things are fashionable and then watch as everyone flocks to Forever 21 to buy the cheap version of the trendy-ugly runway versions? Did Princess really read that blue velvet is so in right now?

The Princess will attempt to make her trendy-ugly case with the following examples:

Socks and Sandals:

Cat in the Hat, yes. Cat Hat, please no:

Crochet (also legwarmers?):

Asthma-inducing sweater:

The End.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

the princess craves originality.

The Princess craves originality! Alas, she lives in Suburbia, and Suburbia is jammed packed with cookie-cutter houses and chain restaurants. This is why she experiences a mild depression when Husband offers to take her on a date and he suggests Red Lobster or Chili’s. Unfortunately, several times Husband has confused her mild depression for snobbery and seems to thinks Princess needs expensive restaurants to be happy. Mais, no! Princess simply wants to add to her collection of memories, and when one eats at Chili’s, that experience is likely to blend in with all the other meals at Chili’s, most of which involve her eating so many chips that she can barely participate in conversation because the internal crunching sound blocks out all external noise. This is not a happy thought (see previous post about eating feelings). Consider the following:
  1. Once Princess was low on cash, but found it NECESSARY to have Chick-fil-A. To solve this conundrum, Princess enlisted Sister and Brother and devised a plan to hunt down enough quarters to buy each sibling a sandwich. This involved many borderline embarrassing tasks, including, but not limited to, a very thorough scanning of the Chick-fil-A parking lot (Princess seems to remember not showering before this experience, so she likely looked homeless). The Princess and Siblings successfully paid for three sandwiches in all quarters and a few dimes, and the register person did not even mind. Princess and Siblings felt it was a very satisfying, hilarious, and bonding experience, one which they regularly recount when they are tired from their other antics (like choreographing dances to the Glee soundtracks and quoting That Thing You Do).
  2. Once Princess and Husband (who was Boyfriend at the time) went to the drive-in movies (Danny and pre-makeover Sandy style, NOT Kenickie and Rizzo style). Husband/Boyfriend (who totally shouldn’t have done this, but don’t judge him because he is usually very honest) made Princess hide in the floorboards with a $5 Little Caesar’s Hot and Ready. Princess nearly hyperventilated (militant conscience), but was grateful for the adventure.
  3. Once Princess and Sister could not decide where to eat. (They both suffer from crippling indecision which hinders their daily lives.) Princess and Sister decided to have a smorgasbord of items from many restaurants. The menu consisted of curly fries from Arby’s, strawberry milkshakes from McDonald’s, and at least six other dollar menu items from various restaurants that Princess has somehow forgotten because God is good and he tells our minds to block out certain traumatizing experiences. Princess and Sister felt TERRIBLE after the smorgasbord (which they ate at home, in the floor while watching Gilmore Girls). Nevertheless, Princess and Sister had the best time ever and plan to repeat the experience.
Hooray for cheap, ridiculous experiences!

Behold, Princess stuffing her face with mozzarella sticks whilst donning her prom dress. She also ate cheddar peppers. It was classy.

Friday, August 20, 2010

the princess likes words.

Especially when she finds the exact one she needs. But sometimes word-hunting is similar to the experience Princess has in a dark movie theater when she is DESPERATE to find her ticket because obviously she has finished the two Diet Dr. Peppers she snuck in and now she MUST use the restroom, but she dare not leave without the ticket because, hello, that one time the movie man accused her of sneaking in to Scooby Doo and Princess was all, like I would ever pay $10 to see Scooby Doo because I’ve hated Freddie Prinze, Jr. ever since he drank shampoo in that other weird movie, and if you’re going to yell at me you should yell about the five sets of McDonald’s cheeseburgers and fries I smuggled in for all my friends with my giant purse. (Princess also loves a run-on sentence when she is upset. And yes, she does endorse sneakiness when it comes to avoiding over-priced movie food.)

Conversely, Princess hates it when other people do not use the right word, and to be honest, she is quite snobby about it. For example, there was the book Princess instantly knew she would hate because the description on the back cover involved the phrase “matriarchal mamas.” (Head mother-like mother? Must we sacrifice intelligence for alliteration? Princess thinks not.)

But often the Princess comes across writing that is so fantastic it makes her spend money. Like the way the description “covered in a golden halo of cheese” made her usual indecisiveness disappear one night at Macaroni Grill. Behold, some words Princess loves to use when the time is right: snarky, frothy, and whimsy. (She would quite admire someone who could use all of these words effectively in one sentence.) She was delighted yesterday when she read this:

“A chic update to the traditional trench, in a swingy silhouette with raglan sleeves finished with decorative belt-tab detailing. Crafted in a sumptuous blend of silk and cotton, with dressmaker details including a center-back pleat for a flattering fit and custom ‘button up’ buttons along the front placket. A charcoal rose-print faille lining and the embroidered phrase ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ at the back neck add a touch of whimsy.”

Kate Spade, as if Princess needed another reason to love you! The only thing cuter than the description is the coat itself:

Click here to buy Princess a birthday present. (By the way, just kidding. This price makes Princess break out in hives.)

And then there's this little pretty for Princess' inner word-nerd:

It's a clutch. Can you believe it? Is Princess a huge dork for liking this? Would you judge her if you saw her carrying it around? Sadily (or happily, depending on how you answered that question), Princess will not be carrying this around, because well, if you didn't already realize this, she is a teacher and designer book-inspired clutches are simply not in the budget. Buy it for yourself and make Princess jealous by clicking here.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

princess eats her feelings

Two minutes ago, the Princess ran out of the kitchen yelling, "No, chips! No!" She ran into the bedroom, slammed the door, and turned on E! in hopes that the noise would drown out the "come hither" pleadings of the Ruffles and French onion dip. It then occurred to her that it is potentially strange to scream at Ruffles, which are surely not trying to tempt her. Also she felt bad because that was probably a harsh way to treat the poor Ruffles. (She then wondered what other kinds of things she does when she is alone and not forced to act normal.)

You see, the Princess has a very bossy conscience ("No, chips! No!"), and heartstrings that are usually wound too tight ("poor Ruffles"). These two sides of her create intense inner turmoil on a regular basis. In fact, as a child, the Princess used to keep a chart by her bed so that her stuffed animals could have equal cuddle time. (Princess' sense of personification was out of control and she couldn't bear the thought of any stuffed animal feeling like a loser.) But despite the diligent chart documentation, her bossy conscience insisted that the stuffed animals knew that the stuffed snowman was her secret favorite, and the Princess was traumatized by this every day.

(Tangent: Sister says Princess is doomed to become a hoarder because of the aforementioned sense of personification, which is almost always at a dangerously toxic level. Naturally Princess can’t throw anything away. Her family is understandably irritated.)

So what can Princess do when confronted with the inevitable conscience-heartstrings showdown? She can only do what every proper Princess would: listen to Mum. Princess has the best, sweetest mother in the world, one who would always comfort her by saying things like, “Oh sweetie, why don’t you come over? I made brownies!” or “Why don’t you just drink a coke? That’ll make you feel better.” Last year, during a particularly traumatizing teaching gig, Princess was downing like seven Diet Dr. Peppers a day. Because she needed to COPE. With all that DRAMA. Her students would say obnoxious things to her like, “That stuff is gonna make your babies come out weird.” Princess would give such students the stink eye and then chug another can.

The real pickle is that Princess’ conscience makes her feel bad about the brownie-eating and Diet Dr. Pepper-drinking that was originally intended to dull the internal conflict, and Princess has no choice but to head to refrigerator or pantry again, which eventually sends her back into the same crazy cycle. She is exhausted even explaining the complexity of her issue. And NO ONE WILL LET HER HAVE ANXIETY PILLS. Can you believe this?

You should know that since she began writing this post, she has already made a trip back to the pantry to soothe the scorned Ruffles and cram a few down her throat.

Monday, August 16, 2010

marital musings

The Princess is 23 years old. (Tangent: Opinions of those who have encountered Princess in real life do not seem to agree with this particular number. She gets a range of reviews. Apparently she is an “old soul” who “acts 13,” “drives like an 80-year-old,” and “looks like a high schooler.” None of these assessments is particularly pleasing to the Princess, especially since she will be turning 24 in approximately 7 days and she is tired people thinking she is a student at her school rather than a teacher.) Princess has been married for three years, and she is aware that this places her in a peculiar category of People Who Married Young, most of who wear long skirts and may or may not have curly hair yet straight bangs. But Princess considers herself to be only moderately weird, and she married at 20 because well, she was in love with the Captain (obvi), she had graduated college, and was tired of dating him, because they had been doing that since she was 16, and you can only eat at Chili’s so many times. The past three years have been 3 parts wonderful, and 1 part terrifying, because Princess has had to learn to live with all the horrendous things that go along with living with a boy. For example:
  • Being angrily accused of throwing imaginary rabbits at Husband. (Husband talks in his sleep.)
  • Waking up to a pantry floor covered in granola bar rappers and a now-empty jar of peanut butter that was bought last week. (Husband binge-eats in his sleep.)
  • “We don’t need to buy a couch. We have the Love Sac.” (Husband does not understand that the awkward cuddling required for more than one person to sit on a Love Sac makes it an impossible substitute for a couch. Also it is ugly.)
  • Husband unknowingly swings his heavy leg onto Princess whilst sleeping and the pressure makes Princess pass out from lack of oxygen.
  • Husband does not grasp the logistics of toothpaste tube squeezing and therefore toothpaste tube becomes inefficient and gives Princess another reason for anxiety pills.
  • Husband cannot hear early morning alarm FOR HOURS. Princess goes insane from the incessant beeping and begins to foam at the mouth.
Nevertheless, the Captain is adorable and Princess is happy to be in the long skirt club (sans long skirt) with the other weird people.

Monday, July 5, 2010

quotes the princess insists you remove from your facebook profile

1. "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

Rationale: No offense to Eleanore Roosevelt, but this quote is terrible. It's essentially a string of fluffy, feel-good words devoid of any meaning. The Princess has no tolerance for fluffy, feel-good words unless they, well, MEAN SOMETHING... but these don't. In fact, you could switch around all the fluffy words, and it would still mean BIG FAT NOTHING (yet the Princess suspects that the same ignorant people would still love it). Case and point:
  • "Beauty belongs to those who believe in the dreams of their future."
  • "Belief belongs to those who dream of the beauty of their future."
  • "Dreams belongs to those who believe of the future of their beauty."

2. "To the nights we'll never remember with the friends we'll never forget."
Rationale: This is not insightful or original. In fact, it seems like an attempt to cutesy those unoriginal nights where the quoter gets blackout drunk and all the other friends are forced to take care of her. Is this something to be celebrated? The princess thinks not, and she thinks the quoter's friends would agree. Inevitably, this girl also has the following Coco Chanel quote on her profile: "A girl must be two things: classy and fabulous." Surely this irony is obvious enough that it needs no explanation.

3. "Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot..." (or is it hott?)

Rationale: The princess appreciates the heart of this thought (dating standards), but this is just way too annoying. So her verdict is as follows: standards, yes; posting them in sing-song rhyme on facebook once you are over the age of 13, NO.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

master of the UNIVERSE!

Somehow Princess Truffle Fluff's confidence is through the roof. Whether it was all those kitten posters telling her to "Reach for the Stars" in her elementary school classrooms or the fab parenting by Mum and Pop, she knows not, but either way, Princess believes she can do ANYTHING. ANY. THING. Now of course, the last thing the world needs is one more insecure female, but this is a problem for Princess, because she is also a hopeless creative, and the combination means she constantly has irrepressible feelings that she can successfully make anything. ANYTHING. Dresses, ornaments, paintings, dinner, you name it.

So when Captain Cuddlecups comes home and asks, "What's for dinner?" he understandably cringes when Princess hesitates to answer. The hesitation means, "I invented this because I believe I can make anything and succeed. ANYTHING!" The last time this happened Captain had to eat a bizarre casserole-like concoction of biscuits, cheese, and chicken. He was not pleased, and Princess was shocked, because, hello? Does Captain not know that his taste buds must be mistaken? The dish was obviously delish, because Princess can do anything. ANYTHING!

All this to say, Princess is currently dashing back and forth between the bird canvas she is painting for Grandmother (yes, we call her Grandmother because we are proper and you and your granny or Nene or whatever-her-name-is are jealous) and sewing her fab graduation dress. (Princess is officially a Master of the Universe! Is that not what a master’s degree means?)

Happily, Princess ignores all failure (Picasso was not appreciated while he was alive and neither is biscuit-chicken-cheese casserole) and promotes all successes. Behold, some of the projects that have made Princess believe she is a Master of the Universe!

Princess chooses to believe that the grad dress will not have the same fate as the casserole. Here's the idea:

The delusion of success is invigorating! Hoorah!

Friday, February 12, 2010

valentine's day

Princess TF LOVES Valentine's Day. Probably because her husband (to be known henceforth as Captain Cuddlecups) surprised her with tickets to see Fabulous Musical and the anticipation of the Fabulous Musical and the preceeding Fabulous Date (she assumes they will also do dinner) and the reminder of husband's Fabulousness have created an intoxicating sense of excitement, which perfectly complements the heart-shaped sucker Princess is currently eating. In other heart-shaped food news, Princess, her Captain, and her parents ate this pizza last night. Need we say that it was Fabulous?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, February 6, 2010

giving in

Princess TF is tres ashamed to admit that she has abandoned this blogging endeavor for the past few months because regular waves of insecurity hit her and make her feel like that girl that updates her Facebook status every 3.5 minutes. So she gave the blog the silent treatment, which was her passive-aggressive way of saying, "I have a life! I do!" And then she accidentally watched three episodes of Jersey Shore in a row.

However, last night, Princess ate dinner (approximately 4 loaves of bread, one spinach and goat cheese pizza, a smore sundae, and half of the waiter's finger after he tried to clear the sundae from the table before Princess was done licking it clean) with some friends who openly discussed their blogs, and she realized that yes, blogging is normal. So she decided to rekindle her relationship with the scorned blog, and happily, it welcomed her with open arms.

Now the waves of insecurity are telling Princess that she is not an individual and does not even have the gusto to create an original blog without her friends doing it, too. Princess does NOT like to do things just because her friends do them ever since she gave in that one time and got a mystic tan and a hair appointment before the Baptist version of the prom that she attended senior year. The end result was the ugliest version of Princess seen to date. And that includes the time when she discovered she was allergic to sulfur drugs after waking up to a gigantic puffy polka-dotted face. Okay, no, it wasn't really worse than that.

But the Princess will persevere! Mainly because she has had several revelations recently that will probably make the world a better place:
1. Stuffed animals are the only things that become cuter the larger they get. Everything else is much cuter in miniature.
2. People love food disguised as other food. Cakes shaped as hamburgers. Swedish fish. Goldfish. Today Princess saw a marshmallow disguised as a cupcake on a stick. A marshmallow posing as a cupcake posing as a lollipop. That seemed excessive.
3. Princess is a teacher. Her school is encouraging an ACT-prep website, Her school posted the website's name all over the school, most interestingly on the bathroom door. No one else has been concerned about this.

That is all.